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Alabama Senators Cock Their Guns And Lick Their Lips As Woman Hunting Season Approaches

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By: Josie Benedetti Huntsville, Alabama—Senators across Alabama are cleaning their rifles in anticipation for the opening of Women Hunting Season which begins in October.   The hunting season for women in Alabama is open for 3 months of the year beginning October 3rd and ending on December 3rd. The hunting season was put into effect to control women population in Alabama which have had a detrimental effect on the lives of many male residents there. The 9 month long off season allows women to become pregnant and give birth before the hunting season opens in the fall. Larry Stutts, Alabama…

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Guy With Quarter-Jewish Ancestry Too Comfortable Making Holocaust Jokes

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—In a drastic misjudgment of the cultural leniency afforded by his slim quarter-Jewish heritage, Wicker Park resident, Anthony Becker, frequently jokes about the Holocaust. Becker has never actively practiced Judaism, and has attended only half of one friend’s bar mitzvah, yet he considers edgy references to World War II his way of connecting to his family’s past. “I’ll never forget the first time my father mentioned that my grandmother fled Nazi Germany with her family when she was three years old,” said 22 year-old Becker. “From then on I knew I had to honor my lineage…

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How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Except That Guy Who Drilled A Peephole In Your Bathroom Wall

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By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—You only live once, but so many of us are more concerned with looking silly than we are with cutting loose and having fun! Whether you’re feeling self-conscious about your body, your voice, or the Swedish man who watches you through a hole he drilled into your bathroom, these tips will help you forget all and enjoy yourself again! Turn up the music! Letting loose is easy when you’re belting your favorite jams! Put on your go-to feel-good song, turn your speakers up to 11, and drown out the heavy breathing of Johan, the Swedish man…

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Facebook Promises More Options For Interested Warmongers

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By: Zachary Hacker MENLO PARK, CA—Today at a Facebook shareholders meeting, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced new features to optimize the platform’s outreach. They have heard the cries of warmongers and extremists around the world, each one begging for ease of service and more support for their message. Facebook showcased three new features and promised, “We are here to help.” The first feature discussed was a way to streamline exactly what your [warmongers] target audience sees. Zuckerberg says that for genocidal maniacs to get the most out of their manifesto, you can take down those posts that offer alternative facts to…

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Little League Ump Finds New Passion Reffing Drunken Dad Fights

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By: Graham Reinbold JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Most little league umpires don’t leave the field covered in blood, but Jefferson City’s Brett Sullivan isn’t most umpires. After spending five years as one of Missouri’s most sought after officials in fourteen and under baseball, Sullivan turned his attention to the stands. The 48-year-old has found a new passion reffing the fist fights breaking out between day-drinking dads at little league games. “Drunk parents getting into brawls is a quintessential part of youth sports, always has been, always will be,” said Sullivan, wiping dried blood off his forehead. “Reffed a good fifteen, twenty scraps…

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3 Endgame Spoilers To Really Get Things Heated In The Bedroom

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By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—Things are about to get heated! You saw Endgame yesterday and your boyfriend can’t go until Monday! These spoilers are so vague, you’ll leave him squirming on the floor, drenched in sweat, begging you to “PLEASE, for the love of God, stop! This isn’t fun for me! PLEASE!”   Stan Lee Makes a Cameo! Uh-oh, you’ve been a naughty girl! Everybody knows Stan Lee always makes a cameo in every one of the Avenger movies but by even mentioning it you’ll have your man’s veins bulging out of his head! Really get him going right by…

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