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Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet…

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Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

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By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in…

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“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

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By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from…

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9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

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By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two…

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State Of The Union Drinking Game Results In Hundreds Dead

in Food/Drink/Politics by

By: Ross Childs WASHINGTON, DC—During the President’s State Of The Union address, millions of Americans gathered for the annual SOTU drinking game, where participants take a shot every time the president takes credit for someone else’s accomplishment, doubles down on a ridiculous campaign promise, attempts to shift blame, or engages in a number of predicted behavioral patterns – anyone of which was guaranteed to get anyone playing positively schnacklered. This year, however, a Chicago resident named Clarb Blorfgrin decided to add a new rule: take a shot every time someone in attendance looks like they’re “over it.” Within 20 minutes…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

in Business/Celebrity/Food/Drink/Sports by

By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

in Entertainment/Food/Drink/Local/Music by

By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Wendy’s Unveils New ‘Hangover Obliteration’ Menu for New Year’s Day

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By: Ross Childs   ANYTOWN, USA — New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year shook America last night and so is the world-beating hangover that inevitably followed today. But put that Pedialyte down! Don’t reach for the ginger ale! Fast Food giant and salt magnate Wendy’s has unveiled the new “Hangover Obliteration Menu” to be released January 1, 2019. The famous restaurant says the items presented in this catalogue of cholesterol are guaranteed to smother even the most debilitating of post-party brain pains with the perfect combo of grease, salt, and nostalgia for that mongoose-ridden burger joint you…

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Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

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By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy…

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Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

in Food/Drink/Holiday/Local by

By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

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