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Inspirational! This Woman Cured Vaginismus By Masturbating To Enya

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Health/Local/Music/Science by

By: Tanya Kornilovich Chicago, IL—A local woman, Stephanie Anne Smith-Cochran*, is on a mission to prove that vaginismus doesn’t have to be a life sentence of dick-less existence. Smith-Cochran is bravely and anonymously bringing awareness to the issue of vaginismus and how it can be cured with extensive exposure to Irish singer-songwriter Enya.  After one too many bike accidents, and binging The Bachelorette, Smith-Cochran found herself unable to insert a tampon, much less call on her boy toy for some recreational sex. Smith-Cochran, who holds an Associate degree and is an entrepreneur, does not have health insurance and resorted to…

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Exhausted Single Mother Wearing Headphones Begging To Be Hit On

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Sarah Maggert, a single mother of two returning home from an overnight double shift at Walgreens, was sitting on the Brown Line at 7AM begging to be hit on. She might have been wearing headphones and staring at the ground with the distant look of someone exhausted beyond their body’s capacity, but the only thing on her mind was getting desperate flirty attention from a greasy, glazed-eyes leather jacket rando three seats over.  “I thought men today understood ‘playing hard to get,’ but I guess I was wrong,” complains Maggert. “The vivid bags under my eyes,…

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Five Visual Distraction Tactics to Make When Your Dental Hygienist Asks If You’ve Been Flossing

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By: Mackenzie Moore If you’re like me, you are always caught with your face slack as Saturday sweatpants when your dental hygienist asks “the question”. Fortunately, I have a series of moves to help you evade answering. These are tried and true tactics I regularly employ when I make my bi-annual return to the suburbs for a visit with my dear, elderly hygienist named Greta.    1. The raised left eyebrow: Are you ashamed to admit you’ve been slacking? Did you genuinely just forget? Are you on a high horse of the dental sort? If so, listen up. When asked,…

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Death Obsessed Toddler Treating Plane Turbulence Like Roller Coaster

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—On Monday morning, the death obsessed toddler in seat 7G treated Flight 275 to Chicago’s turbulence like a roller coaster, lifting his arms and screaming with each sudden drop like a twisted little fuck. Paying no heed to the lovers of life seated around him, the tiny nihilist willfully spread his disregard for animated consciousness with each yelp of joy, infecting everyone in the cabin with his virus-like ideology. Aboard the flight was businesswoman Becca Tulsa, who recalled her initial perceptions of the boy. “His crusty mouth, tousled brown hair, and Wild Kratts t-shirt seemed completely…

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Pelosi Urges Caution In Removing Writhing Squid Meat From Charcuterie Spread

in Food/Drink/Health/Local/Politics by

By: Simon Tessmer WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is urging caution to those in her brunch party eager to initiate removal proceedings against the pile of writhing squid meat slithering all over their charcuterie spread. Though the historic nature of the squid meat’s abuses of stomach health have long been public to La Jambe’s other customers, Pelosi fears attempting to oust the glistening mound of twitching tentacles may backfire during later courses. Those seated to Pelosi’s left are making the most impassioned arguments for scraping the viscous sea-legs off their now slippery shared plate of meats and cheeses.…

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Alabama Senators Cock Their Guns And Lick Their Lips As Woman Hunting Season Approaches

in Health/Politics by

By: Josie Benedetti Huntsville, Alabama—Senators across Alabama are cleaning their rifles in anticipation for the opening of Women Hunting Season which begins in October.   The hunting season for women in Alabama is open for 3 months of the year beginning October 3rd and ending on December 3rd. The hunting season was put into effect to control women population in Alabama which have had a detrimental effect on the lives of many male residents there. The 9 month long off season allows women to become pregnant and give birth before the hunting season opens in the fall. Larry Stutts, Alabama…

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How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Except That Guy Who Drilled A Peephole In Your Bathroom Wall

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By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—You only live once, but so many of us are more concerned with looking silly than we are with cutting loose and having fun! Whether you’re feeling self-conscious about your body, your voice, or the Swedish man who watches you through a hole he drilled into your bathroom, these tips will help you forget all and enjoy yourself again! Turn up the music! Letting loose is easy when you’re belting your favorite jams! Put on your go-to feel-good song, turn your speakers up to 11, and drown out the heavy breathing of Johan, the Swedish man…

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3 Endgame Spoilers To Really Get Things Heated In The Bedroom

in Celebrity/Health/Movies by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—Things are about to get heated! You saw Endgame yesterday and your boyfriend can’t go until Monday! These spoilers are so vague, you’ll leave him squirming on the floor, drenched in sweat, begging you to “PLEASE, for the love of God, stop! This isn’t fun for me! PLEASE!”   Stan Lee Makes a Cameo! Uh-oh, you’ve been a naughty girl! Everybody knows Stan Lee always makes a cameo in every one of the Avenger movies but by even mentioning it you’ll have your man’s veins bulging out of his head! Really get him going right by…

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Scientists Discover There Still Time To Save Planet From Global Warming For A Few Really Rich People

in Politics/Science by

By: Danny Neary LOS ANGELES, CA—After years of bad news surrounding the current climate change crisis scientists believe there may finally be a reason to feel hopeful. This week University of California Los Angeles discovered that, despite the severity of the climate change situation, there may still be time to save the planet from global warming for Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and all your other favorite really rich people. Previously, scientists had believed that the only hope for the planet was to massively change our society, restrict capitalism, and penalize the corporations responsible for the destruction of our planet. However,…

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New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

in Business/Politics/Science by

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right…

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