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Neil Degrasse Tyson learned everything he knows from the science section of Word Brothel.

Alabama Senators Cock Their Guns And Lick Their Lips As Woman Hunting Season Approaches

in Health/Politics by

By: Josie Benedetti Huntsville, Alabama—Senators across Alabama are cleaning their rifles in anticipation for the opening of Women Hunting Season which begins in October.   The hunting season for women in Alabama is open for 3 months of the year beginning October 3rd and ending on December 3rd. The hunting season was put into effect to control women population in Alabama which have had a detrimental effect on the lives of many male residents there. The 9 month long off season allows women to become pregnant and give birth before the hunting season opens in the fall. Larry Stutts, Alabama…

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How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Except That Guy Who Drilled A Peephole In Your Bathroom Wall

in Health/Local by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—You only live once, but so many of us are more concerned with looking silly than we are with cutting loose and having fun! Whether you’re feeling self-conscious about your body, your voice, or the Swedish man who watches you through a hole he drilled into your bathroom, these tips will help you forget all and enjoy yourself again! Turn up the music! Letting loose is easy when you’re belting your favorite jams! Put on your go-to feel-good song, turn your speakers up to 11, and drown out the heavy breathing of Johan, the Swedish man…

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3 Endgame Spoilers To Really Get Things Heated In The Bedroom

in Celebrity/Health/Movies by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—Things are about to get heated! You saw Endgame yesterday and your boyfriend can’t go until Monday! These spoilers are so vague, you’ll leave him squirming on the floor, drenched in sweat, begging you to “PLEASE, for the love of God, stop! This isn’t fun for me! PLEASE!”   Stan Lee Makes a Cameo! Uh-oh, you’ve been a naughty girl! Everybody knows Stan Lee always makes a cameo in every one of the Avenger movies but by even mentioning it you’ll have your man’s veins bulging out of his head! Really get him going right by…

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Scientists Discover There Still Time To Save Planet From Global Warming For A Few Really Rich People

in Politics/Science by

By: Danny Neary LOS ANGELES, CA—After years of bad news surrounding the current climate change crisis scientists believe there may finally be a reason to feel hopeful. This week University of California Los Angeles discovered that, despite the severity of the climate change situation, there may still be time to save the planet from global warming for Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and all your other favorite really rich people. Previously, scientists had believed that the only hope for the planet was to massively change our society, restrict capitalism, and penalize the corporations responsible for the destruction of our planet. However,…

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New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

in Business/Politics/Science by

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right…

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Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

in Health/Local/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

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SCIENCE NEWS: Laboratory Accident Reveals Fire As Effective Cancer Cure

in Health/Science by

By: Ross Childs HOUSTON, TX—Doctors from the MD Anderson Medical Center seem to have discovered an effective and permanent cure for cancer. A fire broke out in the Cancer Research Wing, and after the blaze had been extinguished, researchers returned to the scorched laboratory to an astonishing discovery: all of their stored cancer samples had been completely and utterly eviscerated. This is the breakthrough they’d been hoping to find for decades. The fire started when a disgruntled lab tech, Blove Scrattaman, stuffed a handful of aluminum foil in a microwave after being fired earlier that morning. The resulting firestorm quickly…

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Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

in Food/Drink/Health/Local by

By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet…

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Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

in Food/Drink/Health by

By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in…

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“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

in Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from…

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