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Neil Degrasse Tyson learned everything he knows from the science section of Word Brothel.

New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

in Business/Politics/Science by

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right…

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Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

in Health/Local/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

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SCIENCE NEWS: Laboratory Accident Reveals Fire As Effective Cancer Cure

in Health/Science by

By: Ross Childs HOUSTON, TX—Doctors from the MD Anderson Medical Center seem to have discovered an effective and permanent cure for cancer. A fire broke out in the Cancer Research Wing, and after the blaze had been extinguished, researchers returned to the scorched laboratory to an astonishing discovery: all of their stored cancer samples had been completely and utterly eviscerated. This is the breakthrough they’d been hoping to find for decades. The fire started when a disgruntled lab tech, Blove Scrattaman, stuffed a handful of aluminum foil in a microwave after being fired earlier that morning. The resulting firestorm quickly…

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Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

in Food/Drink/Health/Local by

By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet…

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Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

in Food/Drink/Health by

By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in…

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“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

in Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from…

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9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

in Food/Drink/Health/Science by

By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two…

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The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Health/Sports by

By: Allie Rubin   Denial   It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just…

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Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Science by

By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine…

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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

in Entertainment/Local/Science/Sports by

By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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