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I Solved A Murder But Oops I Slept With All My Sources So I Can’t Print It

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By: Sophia Birks Being a female journalist is hard, especially when you’re an alcoholic, haunted by the demons of your past and you’re just so horny all the time! Everyone wants me and I want everyone to give me the scoop by any means necessary.  After a forced sabbatical due to excessive drinking on the job, my boss/father figure sent me to my small hometown to cover its first ever child murder (read: the first one anyone cared to solve because it was a white kid). Boss Daddy and I both knew this was just the getaway I needed. With…

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We Ranked Every Major U.S. War But Will Never Tell By What Parameters

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By: Art O’Warren The United States gained its independence through a long, bloody war and has been involved pretty regularly in wars ever since. We’ve lost many of our friends and family members through the atrocities of war over the years and now it’s time that we finally rank them. To avoid the risk of offending or slighting veterans involved in one war that just wasn’t as good as another, we will not, now or ever, divulge the parameters we used to creative this definitive ranking. Good luck trying to get upset over this one!   1. Mexican-American War (1846-1848)…

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5 Photos Of My Aunt Helen Who Says Any Girl Would Be Lucky To Date Me

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By: Bryson Allagash I recently had the pleasure of visiting my kick ass Aunt Helen (let me drink a beer) this past weekend for her birthday. While I was there I snapped some photos on my new camera she got me for graduation. She was surprised at how much I had grown the past year and twice as surprised that I didn’t have a girlfriend. Needless to say that she had some opinions on the matter, but she had to put those on hold while we took some really great photographs. Aunt Helen on Cell Phone (2019) This photo is…

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New Guy At Work Already Wearing Hawaiian Shirt After Third Day

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By: William Jennifer A casual atmosphere in the workplace is a great way to give your employees a sense of freedom while tightening your grip on their lives with little to no raise in pay. As ping pong tables and dungarees become commonplace, the line between business-appropriate and Hell’s Angel gets increasingly blurred.  Newly hired QA Engineer, Wayne Salisbury-Bottoms, created further confusion on the topic of company etiquette last Wednesday when he strolled into work wearing a Hawaiian shirt on his third damn day. Two whole days before his first official Casual Friday, Wayne could be seen performing all of…

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Horrible New Disease Epidemic Transmitted By Smoking Marijuana

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By: Dr. Simon Ford While marijuana has some medicinal qualities and is relatively safe for users, new problems have arisen from the substances unregulated use such as over indulging in edibles and cartridges cut with dangerous lung collapsing additives. Now an even more looming threat is on the horizon: Ganjarrhea, a strain of STD that can be transmitted by sharing marijuana with other users. This disease is so contagious that sexual contact is not necessary to transmit it to others. All it takes is one hit off of an infected joint, blunt, bong etc. to contract the disease. It can…

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Jimmy Hoffa Makes Triumphant Return To Society On FOX’s The Masked Singer

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By: Maximilian Stolte American labor union leader and grown man who still went by Jimmy instead of James, Jimmy Hoffa, had been missing for 44 years and was declared dead in absentia at the hilarious age of 69. Well, the worker’s rights bad boy shocked the world once more on this week’s episode of The Masked Singer. His re-appearance has blown the mind’s of conspiracy theorists and historians alike as his disappearance was just a ploy from television producers who were both patient and ahead of their time. Hoffa, dressed as a giant bird, sang a lackluster rendition of Dido’s…

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Alcoholic Lectures People On Dangers Of Fluoride In Drinking Water

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Alcoholic Lectures People On Dangers Of Fluoride In Drinking Water By: Graham Reinbold PEORIA, IL—Local alcoholic, Bradley Jacobs, is making sure everyone in the neighborhood knows the dangers of drinking fluoride laced tap water. “The government puts dangerous chemicals into what we drink, and most people are too ignorant to care,” says Jacobs, eyeballing four fingers of Jim Beam into a styrofoam cup. Jacobs hopes to take the wool off people’s eyes once and for all, and show how the government is attacking the health of the American people.  “Seriously, government and conspiracy go together better than my morning whiskey…

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