Morning Wood With Caitlin – Episode 1
RISE and shine! It’s time to start your day the best way you can, with some Morning Wood!
7 Songs You’ll Like Once We Tell You The Musicians Are Hot
By: Simon Tessmer In an ideal world the only thing relevant to a song’s popularity would be the quality of its music. However, we’re all horny as fuck and imagining the steamy sexiness of a lead singer can elevate the listening experience of any given pop trash. Here are seven especially egregious examples of songs you won’t like until you realize how attractive the musicians are. Fallen Horses – Smash Mouth We love sleeve tattoos, goatees, and unwashed ‘In Rock We Trust’ t-shirts, which is to say we have wet dreams about Steve Harwell on the regular. There’s something…
God Sends Jesus Back For 4,015th Time
By: Daniel Wightkin HEAVEN, IL—Assuring Himself that this time around would be different, God, the Everlasting Father, reportedly decided on Tuesday to send His son, Jesus, back to Earth for the Four Thousand And Fifteenth Coming of Christ. “Hmm, I haven’t tried starting in Canada for a while and they seem to be doing okay considering everything that is going on down there right now,” muttered the Almighty to Himself, trying to ignore the nagging fact that the previous four thousand and fourteen attempts to save His creation ended in utter disaster. “Thankfully stoning is out of fashion, so maybe…
Inspirational! This Woman Cured Vaginismus By Masturbating To Enya
By: Tanya Kornilovich Chicago, IL—A local woman, Stephanie Anne Smith-Cochran*, is on a mission to prove that vaginismus doesn’t have to be a life sentence of dick-less existence. Smith-Cochran is bravely and anonymously bringing awareness to the issue of vaginismus and how it can be cured with extensive exposure to Irish singer-songwriter Enya. After one too many bike accidents, and binging The Bachelorette, Smith-Cochran found herself unable to insert a tampon, much less call on her boy toy for some recreational sex. Smith-Cochran, who holds an Associate degree and is an entrepreneur, does not have health insurance and resorted to…
Chicago Improv Veteran Recalls Storming The Beaches Of Los Angeles
By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Matt Ranowski, a 37 year-old veteran of the Chicago improv scene, sat at the iO bar Monday evening and regaled patrons with a haunting account of storming the beaches of Los Angeles. Sipping his third free Corona with no intent of tipping his bartender, the bearded ComedySportz referee gave the unvarnished truth to new improv recruits of the war path he faced. “The year was 2007, and all we had were the clothes on our backs and an organic sense of ‘yes and,’” recalled the flushed-faced bachelor. “My brothers and I finished iO’s full program together…
Mr. Fancy Pants Too Good To Eat Little Caesars
By: Daniel Wightkin MEDFORD, OR—Sticking his nose in the air at the sight of the grease stained boxes, sources confirmed Saturday that Mr. Fancy Pants, local man Douglas Rumsfeld, is apparently too good to eat Little Caesars. “Well well well, looks like Mr. Bourgeois Society is stuck too far up on his high horse to come down and eat a Hot ‘n Ready with the masses.” “What a fucking shame,” remarked Rebecca Lynn, adding that the Lord of Milk and Honey adamantly refused to take even a single slice despite complaining about being hungry only minutes earlier. “I believe his…
Amazon Launches New Service That Allows Prime Members To Ship Friends And Family
By: Philip Lindsey SEATTLE, WA—It was standing room only in Seattle Center’s Arena where Jeff Bezos, ageless, celebrated Amazon’s newest service. The newest service, Amazon People, allows Prime Members the option of two day shipping their friends and relatives directly to their door. Simply navigate to the Amazon homepage, select a friend or family member – domestic shipping only, and they’ll be on your doorstep in two days. After acquiring the Washington Post, Whole Foods, Twitch, and Zappos, Bezos said, “I see Amazon everywhere, seriously, and my optician is at a loss. While critics of Amazon question the legality of…
Exhausted Single Mother Wearing Headphones Begging To Be Hit On
By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Sarah Maggert, a single mother of two returning home from an overnight double shift at Walgreens, was sitting on the Brown Line at 7AM begging to be hit on. She might have been wearing headphones and staring at the ground with the distant look of someone exhausted beyond their body’s capacity, but the only thing on her mind was getting desperate flirty attention from a greasy, glazed-eyes leather jacket rando three seats over. “I thought men today understood ‘playing hard to get,’ but I guess I was wrong,” complains Maggert. “The vivid bags under my eyes,…
Corgi Instagram Influencer Not Even Grateful For Owner Buying Followers
By: Tanya Kornilovich CHICAGO, IL—A local Pembroke Welsh just surpassed the chihuahua Marigold as the #1 dog on Instagram. Bagels and his team celebrated with an announcement across all social media platforms with the caption, “Thank you to all my fans who made this paw-sibble.” Bagels, however, is reportedly completely ungrateful for the thousands of followers his mother has bought him on Instagram. Dog mom Lynette Smith quit her full time job as a Head of Marketing at a bank in order support Bagels’ childhood dream of advertising dog treats to 600,000 white women across the world. She now runs…
Five Visual Distraction Tactics to Make When Your Dental Hygienist Asks If You’ve Been Flossing
By: Mackenzie Moore If you’re like me, you are always caught with your face slack as Saturday sweatpants when your dental hygienist asks “the question”. Fortunately, I have a series of moves to help you evade answering. These are tried and true tactics I regularly employ when I make my bi-annual return to the suburbs for a visit with my dear, elderly hygienist named Greta. 1. The raised left eyebrow: Are you ashamed to admit you’ve been slacking? Did you genuinely just forget? Are you on a high horse of the dental sort? If so, listen up. When asked,…