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Dumb Asshole From High School Now In Charge Of Choosing Who Lives And Who Dies

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By: Danny Neary FORT WAYNE, IN—Area man, Eric Romaker, known by for being one of the dumbest jerks from high school, is currently entrusted with deciding who lives and who dies. A former whip-its enthusiast and a smooth brained imbecile, Romaker has turned his life around by going through minor screening and being given far too much responsibility. Former classmates of Romaker remember him for his incessant quoting of the 2009 film The Hangover, his belief that the NBA is racist towards white guys, and for the time he ran over himself with his own car. “That idiot used to…

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Dude Smoking CBD Vape Only Slightly Chill As Fuck

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By: Maximilian Stolte LOS ANGELES, CA—Around 4PM today, in an alley outside of Greener Pastures Dispensary, record store sales associate and pretty chill dude, Cam Porter was seen ripping a CBD vape pen and blowing out quite the cloud. Passersby took note of his calm and cool demeanor, as well as his Radiohead shirt which led most to believe that he’s probably pretty cool, but not necessarily chill as fuck. Porter enjoyed the medicinal benefits of CBD such as reduced anxiety and relieved wrist pain from his record spinning related carpal tunnel without any of the psychoactive properties of marijuana…

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“Menstruation Is Normal!” Screams Woman Drowning Entire Shake Shack With Her Period Blood

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By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—More than a dozen people were killed and hundreds more were hospitalized Wednesday when Jackolyn O’Connor, 22, decided to grab a burger from Shake Shack and instead unleashed a torrent of red, hot lady juice on unsuspecting Shack Shake goers. O’Connor, on her way home from an Ethical Dilemmas in Feminism course at DePaul University, was placing her order for a large peanut butter milkshake, cheese fries with extra cheese, and two shack stack burgers when she looked down to find the white tile floor covered with 2-3 inches of extra chunky human salsa emanating from…

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Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.…

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9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

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By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two…

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State Of The Union Drinking Game Results In Hundreds Dead

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By: Ross Childs WASHINGTON, DC—During the President’s State Of The Union address, millions of Americans gathered for the annual SOTU drinking game, where participants take a shot every time the president takes credit for someone else’s accomplishment, doubles down on a ridiculous campaign promise, attempts to shift blame, or engages in a number of predicted behavioral patterns – anyone of which was guaranteed to get anyone playing positively schnacklered. This year, however, a Chicago resident named Clarb Blorfgrin decided to add a new rule: take a shot every time someone in attendance looks like they’re “over it.” Within 20 minutes…

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New Transformer Changes From Mustang To 19-Year-Old Talking About His Mustang

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By: Nick Graves Los Angeles, CA — Here we go again! Another member of the alien tech species known around the world as ‘Transformers’ has crash landed on earth. And he’s not even old enough to drink. In his vehicle form he’s a 1976 Mustang, but in his fuck-shit-up and destroy-my-favorite-cafe-in-a-wild-brawl form? He’s a 19 year old named A.J., preferring to be referred to as ‘A.J., the Transformer,’ who likes to talk exclusively about his Musta…himself? A.J. differentiates himself from other Transformers by taking a human form. White, brown hair, floral dress shirt, skinny jeans, and a rude ‘tude. “Look…

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Winter Storm Just A Metaphor For Local Woman’s Love Life

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By: Allie Rubin CHICAGO, IL—Scientists reported Wednesday that the abnormally cold temperatures recently recorded in Chicago are likely just a metaphor for the love life of local hairdresser Julia Rossi, 29. The severe winter weather, which was previously believed to have been an indirect result of global warming, is now interpreted to have resulted from Rossi’s recent breakup with the handsome yet commitment-phobic architect Benjamin Chase, 30. “While some may be tempted to attribute these historically unprecedented temperatures of less than -20°F to the effects of man-made global warming, we instead opt for a simpler explanation,” stated climate scientist Dr.…

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Shattering The Glass Floor: This Woman Is Acting Like A Creepy Douche

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By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—Early this morning, in a brave defiance of gender norms, local woman Anne Washington started her day with one goal in mind: to be a creepy, degenerate asshole to every guy she came in contact with. Starting as early as her morning commute, her awkward advances towards strangers with strong sexual undertones earned her grade A pervert status amongst her peers. Once on the train, passengers reported her leering at men’s crotches and backsides and saying obscenities that only a real sicko sex freak could conjure up. A local man, who wished to remain anonymous, reported…

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The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games

By: Allie Rubin   Denial   It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just…

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