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Morning Wood With Caitlin – Episode 2

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Good morning! I’ll take my eggs over hard please. On today’s episode, Caitlin has old man and former celebrity Regis Philbin on to talk about the glory days and what’s left of his fortune. Artificial intelligence innovator, Alan Tinkerson, stops by to show us his perfect human companion creation, Alice.

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7 Songs You’ll Like Once We Tell You The Musicians Are Hot

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By: Simon Tessmer In an ideal world the only thing relevant to a song’s popularity would be the quality of its music. However, we’re all horny as fuck and imagining the steamy sexiness of a lead singer can elevate the listening experience of any given pop trash. Here are seven especially egregious examples of songs you won’t like until you realize how attractive the musicians are.   Fallen Horses – Smash Mouth We love sleeve tattoos, goatees, and unwashed ‘In Rock We Trust’ t-shirts, which is to say we have wet dreams about Steve Harwell on the regular. There’s something…

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God Sends Jesus Back For 4,015th Time

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By: Daniel Wightkin HEAVEN, IL—Assuring Himself that this time around would be different, God, the Everlasting Father, reportedly decided on Tuesday to send His son, Jesus, back to Earth for the Four Thousand And Fifteenth Coming of Christ. “Hmm, I haven’t tried starting in Canada for a while and they seem to be doing okay considering everything that is going on down there right now,” muttered the Almighty to Himself, trying to ignore the nagging fact that the previous four thousand and fourteen attempts to save His creation ended in utter disaster.  “Thankfully stoning is out of fashion, so maybe…

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Inspirational! This Woman Cured Vaginismus By Masturbating To Enya

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By: Tanya Kornilovich Chicago, IL—A local woman, Stephanie Anne Smith-Cochran*, is on a mission to prove that vaginismus doesn’t have to be a life sentence of dick-less existence. Smith-Cochran is bravely and anonymously bringing awareness to the issue of vaginismus and how it can be cured with extensive exposure to Irish singer-songwriter Enya.  After one too many bike accidents, and binging The Bachelorette, Smith-Cochran found herself unable to insert a tampon, much less call on her boy toy for some recreational sex. Smith-Cochran, who holds an Associate degree and is an entrepreneur, does not have health insurance and resorted to…

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Chicago Improv Veteran Recalls Storming The Beaches Of Los Angeles

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Matt Ranowski, a 37 year-old veteran of the Chicago improv scene, sat at the iO bar Monday evening and regaled patrons with a haunting account of storming the beaches of Los Angeles. Sipping his third free Corona with no intent of tipping his bartender, the bearded ComedySportz referee gave the unvarnished truth to new improv recruits of the war path he faced. “The year was 2007, and all we had were the clothes on our backs and an organic sense of ‘yes and,’” recalled the flushed-faced bachelor. “My brothers and I finished iO’s full program together…

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Study: 93% Of CTA Bus Drivers Not Prepared To Handle Speed-like Scenario

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By: Daniel Wightkin CHICAGO, IL—Shedding light on a shocking lapse in safety procedures, a recent study published on Thursday by the University of Chicago found that 93% of CTA bus drivers are completely unprepared for a scenario similar to the one depicted in the 1994 blockbuster Speed. “In our tests, we found that a staggering 9/10 drivers are unable to handle the high octane situation of having their vehicle rigged with a bomb which is set to explode if they ever drop below 50 mph,” said lead researcher Jessica Pope, noting that even the most experienced of CTA drivers struggled…

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Suburban Rapper Struggles To Find Adversity In Such A Supportive Environment


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By: Graham Reinbold ZIONSVILLE, IN—Carter Monahugh was raised in one of the most affluent suburbs in the U.S., but that hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his dream of becoming the next online hip-hop sensation. “Most rappers are able to spit bars about coming from nothing and fighting a powerful system that oppresses them at every turn, but I don’t have that option,” said Monahugh, buffing out a scratch in the Yeezy’s gifted to him on his 17th birthday.  “I wish I could rap about proving all my haters wrong, but everyone I talk to is so goddamn supportive,” exclaimed a…

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Finding Channing [VIDEO]

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We all know Channing Tatum…or so we thought. Our documentary team went out and discovered some sinister secrets about America’s third or fourth favorite guy with muscles who is in movies.

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Remember Kirby? Well Now He’s Jacked And Wants You To Eat Sushi Off His Abs

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By: Jack Hutsey It was supposed to be a nice date night with your boo, to celebrate 18 months of conjugal, millennial bliss. You made reservations three months ago for the hottest new sushi place, Trukake. It’s one of those elegant, post-hip places where you eat California rolls off some hard body. You get seated at your table and they bring out warm sake. Then you see him. Kirby. Fucking Kirby from your GameBoy. But he’s not a pink sphere anymore. He is fucking chiseled. Every muscle defined like a Renaissance sculpture. Delts, pecs, lats, abs, ‘ceps of both bi…

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Local Dude Turns Funeral Into Crunchy Jam Sesh

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By: Ross Childs BOSTON, MA—A man, nay dude, improved an otherwise dreary funeral when he whipped out his acoustic guitar and played his tune. Richard Parker, a music student at Boston University, attended a funeral for a fellow classmate’s cousin. He noticed the totally depressed vibe permeating through the funerary establishment. Richard Parker, who goes by the stage name “Dicky P”, pulled out his paint-covered Jasmine acoustic guitar and started picking out a rendition of Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way”, and according to Ric…ahem…Dicky P, the vibe, “totally shifted towards the joy nexus,” and his control over the…

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