Taliban Cuts The Shit And Become Cool Guys After Change.org Petition Reaches 1 Million Signatures

By: Hope Thomas

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—As foreign troops abandon what looks to be the longest and bloodiest trip to the world’s gas station, Afghanistan’s government has been instantly overrun by the very people they were sent there to stop. Unfortunately for the residents, they don’t have a great track record when it comes to human rights or being chill dudes in general. In fact, many would consider their antics since September 11th, 2001 to be quite the poor display of love for your fellow man. We’re talking of course about the  violent religious extremists, the Taliban. 

Fortunately we have one brave, compassionate, and hardworking soul from Houston, Texas that aimed to change their whole perspective and help some people in the process. Online philanthropist, self taught geopolitical scientist, and cool guy Aaron Partridge may be Afghanistan’s savior. In only the fifteen minutes it takes to create a change.org petition, he has convinced the Taliban to stop killing people based on their interpretation of an ancient holy text and instead just smoke on some of the dank weed that grows there and play Call of Duty.

The petition reached 1 million signatures and the leaders took note. Not only are they heading a diversity and inclusion program that will teach people of all genders and sexual identities how to rule with fear, they’re also going to take it easy on all the killing and hurting people and focus on having a good time with their buds.

Supreme commander Hibatullah Akhundzada addressed the nation in turmoil today, saying, “Look people, I know we had some missteps over the last twenty years, but the world has spoken and we have the self awareness to know when we’re being the asshole. We’re gonna take some time to reflect and then rule with an iron fist that is also capable of just bumping with your boys after a killer game of futbol.” 

Aaron Partridge, internet activist with IRL results, we salute you. Your tireless effort led to what seems like an everlasting peace. You will go down in the annals of history and if the world is lucky, you will get a book deal or be president within the next ten years.