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Guy With Quarter-Jewish Ancestry Too Comfortable Making Holocaust Jokes

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—In a drastic misjudgment of the cultural leniency afforded by his slim quarter-Jewish heritage, Wicker Park resident, Anthony Becker, frequently jokes about the Holocaust. Becker has never actively practiced Judaism, and has attended only half of one friend’s bar mitzvah, yet he considers edgy references to World War II his way of connecting to his family’s past. “I’ll never forget the first time my father mentioned that my grandmother fled Nazi Germany with her family when she was three years old,” said 22 year-old Becker. “From then on I knew I had to honor my lineage…

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How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Except That Guy Who Drilled A Peephole In Your Bathroom Wall

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By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—You only live once, but so many of us are more concerned with looking silly than we are with cutting loose and having fun! Whether you’re feeling self-conscious about your body, your voice, or the Swedish man who watches you through a hole he drilled into your bathroom, these tips will help you forget all and enjoy yourself again! Turn up the music! Letting loose is easy when you’re belting your favorite jams! Put on your go-to feel-good song, turn your speakers up to 11, and drown out the heavy breathing of Johan, the Swedish man…

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Little League Ump Finds New Passion Reffing Drunken Dad Fights

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By: Graham Reinbold JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Most little league umpires don’t leave the field covered in blood, but Jefferson City’s Brett Sullivan isn’t most umpires. After spending five years as one of Missouri’s most sought after officials in fourteen and under baseball, Sullivan turned his attention to the stands. The 48-year-old has found a new passion reffing the fist fights breaking out between day-drinking dads at little league games. “Drunk parents getting into brawls is a quintessential part of youth sports, always has been, always will be,” said Sullivan, wiping dried blood off his forehead. “Reffed a good fifteen, twenty scraps…

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Employee Late To Meeting Still Delaying Agenda With Excessive Apology

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Accounting manager Mark Stevens arrived fifteen minutes late to his company’s Tuesday morning staff meeting and is still delaying its agenda with his excessive apology. Though Stevens’ fellow Razor Marketing employees generally agreed his lateness was not a big deal, the 47 year-old team member’s marathon apology has stretched into its second day, resulting in a continued colossal dive in company productivity and morale.   Stevens’ initial excuse for being tardy was “perfectly reasonable” according to sales associate Lisa Beasley. “He said ‘traffic was bad,’ we all shrugged, and our boss Jen started her quarterly earnings…

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Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

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Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet…

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Powerlifter Heroically Lifts Car Off Trapped Man Only To Crush Himself After Dropping Weight In Celebration

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By: Graham Reinbold Lancing, MI—Local powerlifter Bryce Rubin’s heroic deadlift of a 2005 Toyota Camry, ended in tragedy yesterday morning. While Rubin originally hoped to save the 32-year-old father of three trapped underneath the flaming sedan, some lines were clearly blurred in the heat of competition.  After successfully clearing the car off the injured driver: “My mind went blank and I did what I always do after a big lift. Scream till my forehead veins hurt, and drop the weight to celebrate. At first I thought someone spilled a cherry pie…then I realized my mistake.” Said a visibly shaken Rubin,…

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Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

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By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in…

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Dumb Asshole From High School Now In Charge Of Choosing Who Lives And Who Dies

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By: Danny Neary FORT WAYNE, IN—Area man, Eric Romaker, known by for being one of the dumbest jerks from high school, is currently entrusted with deciding who lives and who dies. A former whip-its enthusiast and a smooth brained imbecile, Romaker has turned his life around by going through minor screening and being given far too much responsibility. Former classmates of Romaker remember him for his incessant quoting of the 2009 film The Hangover, his belief that the NBA is racist towards white guys, and for the time he ran over himself with his own car. “That idiot used to…

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