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Inspirational! This Woman Cured Vaginismus By Masturbating To Enya

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Health/Local/Music/Science by

By: Tanya Kornilovich Chicago, IL—A local woman, Stephanie Anne Smith-Cochran*, is on a mission to prove that vaginismus doesn’t have to be a life sentence of dick-less existence. Smith-Cochran is bravely and anonymously bringing awareness to the issue of vaginismus and how it can be cured with extensive exposure to Irish singer-songwriter Enya.  After one too many bike accidents, and binging The Bachelorette, Smith-Cochran found herself unable to insert a tampon, much less call on her boy toy for some recreational sex. Smith-Cochran, who holds an Associate degree and is an entrepreneur, does not have health insurance and resorted to…

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Chicago Improv Veteran Recalls Storming The Beaches Of Los Angeles

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Matt Ranowski, a 37 year-old veteran of the Chicago improv scene, sat at the iO bar Monday evening and regaled patrons with a haunting account of storming the beaches of Los Angeles. Sipping his third free Corona with no intent of tipping his bartender, the bearded ComedySportz referee gave the unvarnished truth to new improv recruits of the war path he faced. “The year was 2007, and all we had were the clothes on our backs and an organic sense of ‘yes and,’” recalled the flushed-faced bachelor. “My brothers and I finished iO’s full program together…

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Mr. Fancy Pants Too Good To Eat Little Caesars

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By: Daniel Wightkin MEDFORD, OR—Sticking his nose in the air at the sight of the grease stained boxes, sources confirmed Saturday that Mr. Fancy Pants, local man Douglas Rumsfeld, is apparently too good to eat Little Caesars. “Well well well, looks like Mr. Bourgeois Society is stuck too far up on his high horse to come down and eat a Hot ‘n Ready with the masses.”   “What a fucking shame,” remarked Rebecca Lynn, adding that the Lord of Milk and Honey adamantly refused to take even a single slice despite complaining about being hungry only minutes earlier. “I believe his…

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Corgi Instagram Influencer Not Even Grateful For Owner Buying Followers

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By: Tanya Kornilovich CHICAGO, IL—A local Pembroke Welsh just surpassed the chihuahua Marigold as the #1 dog on Instagram. Bagels and his team celebrated with an announcement across all social media platforms with the caption, “Thank you to all my fans who made this paw-sibble.” Bagels, however, is reportedly completely ungrateful for the thousands of followers his mother has bought him on Instagram.  Dog mom Lynette Smith quit her full time job as a Head of Marketing at a bank in order support Bagels’ childhood dream of advertising dog treats to 600,000 white women across the world. She now runs…

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Five Visual Distraction Tactics to Make When Your Dental Hygienist Asks If You’ve Been Flossing

in Health/Local by

By: Mackenzie Moore If you’re like me, you are always caught with your face slack as Saturday sweatpants when your dental hygienist asks “the question”. Fortunately, I have a series of moves to help you evade answering. These are tried and true tactics I regularly employ when I make my bi-annual return to the suburbs for a visit with my dear, elderly hygienist named Greta.    1. The raised left eyebrow: Are you ashamed to admit you’ve been slacking? Did you genuinely just forget? Are you on a high horse of the dental sort? If so, listen up. When asked,…

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Study: 93% Of CTA Bus Drivers Not Prepared To Handle Speed-like Scenario

in Entertainment/Local/Movies by

By: Daniel Wightkin CHICAGO, IL—Shedding light on a shocking lapse in safety procedures, a recent study published on Thursday by the University of Chicago found that 93% of CTA bus drivers are completely unprepared for a scenario similar to the one depicted in the 1994 blockbuster Speed. “In our tests, we found that a staggering 9/10 drivers are unable to handle the high octane situation of having their vehicle rigged with a bomb which is set to explode if they ever drop below 50 mph,” said lead researcher Jessica Pope, noting that even the most experienced of CTA drivers struggled…

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Suburban Rapper Struggles To Find Adversity In Such A Supportive Environment


in Entertainment/Local/Music/Social by

By: Graham Reinbold ZIONSVILLE, IN—Carter Monahugh was raised in one of the most affluent suburbs in the U.S., but that hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his dream of becoming the next online hip-hop sensation. “Most rappers are able to spit bars about coming from nothing and fighting a powerful system that oppresses them at every turn, but I don’t have that option,” said Monahugh, buffing out a scratch in the Yeezy’s gifted to him on his 17th birthday.  “I wish I could rap about proving all my haters wrong, but everyone I talk to is so goddamn supportive,” exclaimed a…

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Lucky Couple Win Big With NRA Sponsored Trip For Two To Yemen

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By: Philip Lindsey GARY, IN—“HOLY SHIT!” shouted Sara Lounsbury-Carter, 27, and David Lounsbury-Carter, 28,  minutes after holding up the winning raffle ticket. The couple are the first to win a two day all expenses paid trip to the war torn country of Yemen, courtesy of the NRA. Bushmaster AR-15 rounds ricocheted around the room in celebration while NRA Chapter President John K. Robert had some choice words for the couple. “This is going to be an eye opening experience for you kids. Go see what the world’s like and give ‘em hell.” In a bid to strengthen relations with a…

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Death Obsessed Toddler Treating Plane Turbulence Like Roller Coaster

in Health/Local by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—On Monday morning, the death obsessed toddler in seat 7G treated Flight 275 to Chicago’s turbulence like a roller coaster, lifting his arms and screaming with each sudden drop like a twisted little fuck. Paying no heed to the lovers of life seated around him, the tiny nihilist willfully spread his disregard for animated consciousness with each yelp of joy, infecting everyone in the cabin with his virus-like ideology. Aboard the flight was businesswoman Becca Tulsa, who recalled her initial perceptions of the boy. “His crusty mouth, tousled brown hair, and Wild Kratts t-shirt seemed completely…

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Remember Kirby? Well Now He’s Jacked And Wants You To Eat Sushi Off His Abs

in Entertainment/Food/Drink/Local/Social by

By: Jack Hutsey It was supposed to be a nice date night with your boo, to celebrate 18 months of conjugal, millennial bliss. You made reservations three months ago for the hottest new sushi place, Trukake. It’s one of those elegant, post-hip places where you eat California rolls off some hard body. You get seated at your table and they bring out warm sake. Then you see him. Kirby. Fucking Kirby from your GameBoy. But he’s not a pink sphere anymore. He is fucking chiseled. Every muscle defined like a Renaissance sculpture. Delts, pecs, lats, abs, ‘ceps of both bi…

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