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I Solved A Murder But Oops I Slept With All My Sources So I Can’t Print It

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By: Sophia Birks Being a female journalist is hard, especially when you’re an alcoholic, haunted by the demons of your past and you’re just so horny all the time! Everyone wants me and I want everyone to give me the scoop by any means necessary.  After a forced sabbatical due to excessive drinking on the job, my boss/father figure sent me to my small hometown to cover its first ever child murder (read: the first one anyone cared to solve because it was a white kid). Boss Daddy and I both knew this was just the getaway I needed. With…

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We Ranked Every Major U.S. War But Will Never Tell By What Parameters

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By: Art O’Warren The United States gained its independence through a long, bloody war and has been involved pretty regularly in wars ever since. We’ve lost many of our friends and family members through the atrocities of war over the years and now it’s time that we finally rank them. To avoid the risk of offending or slighting veterans involved in one war that just wasn’t as good as another, we will not, now or ever, divulge the parameters we used to creative this definitive ranking. Good luck trying to get upset over this one!   1. Mexican-American War (1846-1848)…

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5 Photos Of My Aunt Helen Who Says Any Girl Would Be Lucky To Date Me

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By: Bryson Allagash I recently had the pleasure of visiting my kick ass Aunt Helen (let me drink a beer) this past weekend for her birthday. While I was there I snapped some photos on my new camera she got me for graduation. She was surprised at how much I had grown the past year and twice as surprised that I didn’t have a girlfriend. Needless to say that she had some opinions on the matter, but she had to put those on hold while we took some really great photographs. Aunt Helen on Cell Phone (2019) This photo is…

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New Guy At Work Already Wearing Hawaiian Shirt After Third Day

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By: William Jennifer A casual atmosphere in the workplace is a great way to give your employees a sense of freedom while tightening your grip on their lives with little to no raise in pay. As ping pong tables and dungarees become commonplace, the line between business-appropriate and Hell’s Angel gets increasingly blurred.  Newly hired QA Engineer, Wayne Salisbury-Bottoms, created further confusion on the topic of company etiquette last Wednesday when he strolled into work wearing a Hawaiian shirt on his third damn day. Two whole days before his first official Casual Friday, Wayne could be seen performing all of…

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Alcoholic Lectures People On Dangers Of Fluoride In Drinking Water

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Alcoholic Lectures People On Dangers Of Fluoride In Drinking Water By: Graham Reinbold PEORIA, IL—Local alcoholic, Bradley Jacobs, is making sure everyone in the neighborhood knows the dangers of drinking fluoride laced tap water. “The government puts dangerous chemicals into what we drink, and most people are too ignorant to care,” says Jacobs, eyeballing four fingers of Jim Beam into a styrofoam cup. Jacobs hopes to take the wool off people’s eyes once and for all, and show how the government is attacking the health of the American people.  “Seriously, government and conspiracy go together better than my morning whiskey…

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6 Times We Saw Jon Hamm Slurp His Own Fucking Piss

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By: Simon Tessmer   LOS ANGELES, CA—We tracked Hamm’s activity for over a decade to find out his one big, dirty secret: he slurps his own fucking piss. We at Word Brothel were so excited to catch him in the act, and here we present the six most tantalizing times we caught Jon Hamm gleefully gorging on his own urine.    May 3rd 2007, 7:06 am – Easton Gym The Mad Men actor loves the low-key vibe of this casual L.A. fitness spot almost as much as he loves hydrating with his own fucking piss. We spotted him on a…

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5 Comfy Summer Outfits That Will Make A Stranger Scream “SHOW ME YOUR TITS BITCH!”

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By: Josie Benedetti Whether you’re on your way to work or the beach, these perfect summer pairings will be sure to make somebody, somewhere scream “SHOW ME YOUR TITS BITCH!” Summer is finally here and there’s nothing like a cute polka dot romper to keep you feeling cool and comfortable…that is until some dude in a truck yells that he “wants to make those titties bounce”! Lol! Major Summer Vibes Y’all!     Nothing sucks more than heading to work in the summer heat, except of course a group of men passing you on the way home shouting that they…

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Inspirational! This Woman Cured Vaginismus By Masturbating To Enya

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By: Tanya Kornilovich Chicago, IL—A local woman, Stephanie Anne Smith-Cochran*, is on a mission to prove that vaginismus doesn’t have to be a life sentence of dick-less existence. Smith-Cochran is bravely and anonymously bringing awareness to the issue of vaginismus and how it can be cured with extensive exposure to Irish singer-songwriter Enya.  After one too many bike accidents, and binging The Bachelorette, Smith-Cochran found herself unable to insert a tampon, much less call on her boy toy for some recreational sex. Smith-Cochran, who holds an Associate degree and is an entrepreneur, does not have health insurance and resorted to…

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Chicago Improv Veteran Recalls Storming The Beaches Of Los Angeles

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Matt Ranowski, a 37 year-old veteran of the Chicago improv scene, sat at the iO bar Monday evening and regaled patrons with a haunting account of storming the beaches of Los Angeles. Sipping his third free Corona with no intent of tipping his bartender, the bearded ComedySportz referee gave the unvarnished truth to new improv recruits of the war path he faced. “The year was 2007, and all we had were the clothes on our backs and an organic sense of ‘yes and,’” recalled the flushed-faced bachelor. “My brothers and I finished iO’s full program together…

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