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Powerlifter Heroically Lifts Car Off Trapped Man Only To Crush Himself After Dropping Weight In Celebration

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By: Graham Reinbold Lancing, MI—Local powerlifter Bryce Rubin’s heroic deadlift of a 2005 Toyota Camry, ended in tragedy yesterday morning. While Rubin originally hoped to save the 32-year-old father of three trapped underneath the flaming sedan, some lines were clearly blurred in the heat of competition.  After successfully clearing the car off the injured driver: “My mind went blank and I did what I always do after a big lift. Scream till my forehead veins hurt, and drop the weight to celebrate. At first I thought someone spilled a cherry pie…then I realized my mistake.” Said a visibly shaken Rubin,…

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The Five Stages Of Tony Hawk Shattering Your Hymen By Skateboarding Into You At The X Games

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Health/Sports by

By: Allie Rubin   Denial   It’s perfectly normal to react to Tony Hawk skateboarding into you and shattering your hymen at the X Games with confusion and denial. Try to ground yourself in the present moment. Is Tony Hawk apologizing to you over and over again? Is blood seeping into the white shorts you thought would be cool to wear to the X Games? Is Blink 182 playing in the background? If so, you’re going to have to lie down for a few minutes and try to come to grips with the fact that Tony Hawk has probably just…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

in Business/Celebrity/Food/Drink/Sports by

By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

in Entertainment/Local/Science/Sports by

By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

in Business/Food/Drink/Local/Sports by

By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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Phish Plays 27 Minute National Anthem At Boston Red Sox Game

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By: Maximilian Stolte BOSTON, MA—Yesterday the Red Sox played the Angels and Phish phans everywhere rejoiced as the band was in attendance to watch the team and perform their rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, or for newbs to the music scene, “The National Anthem”. The crowd was both perplexed and upset when the cover of this beloved song not only included heavy improvisation on guitar, a 3 minute drum solo, an a cappella section, and the use of a vacuum cleaner as an instrument, but also lasted 27 minutes. Music and baseball fans alike agreed that the jam band…

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American Hero Stands For National Anthem And Entire Football Game

in Politics/Sports by

By: Zack Peercy Philadelphia, PA—In these controversial times, the bravery of one man has ignited the flame of democracy once again. Levi Nowak of Lackawanna County sent a message to The Philadelphia Eagles, the NFL, the liberal elite, and the salt of the earth American spectators at Lincoln Financial Field by standing for the National Anthem and the entire subsequent game between the Eagles and the Washington Redskins. Noticing the tension revolving around the Anthem last season, escalated by the fact that many of The Eagles refused to accept President Trump’s invitation to the White House, Nowak knew that it…

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One Member Of Frisbee Group Clearly Doesn’t Do This Much

in Local/Social/Sports by

By: Maximilian Stolte San Fransisco, CA—Warm weather means outdoor activities are back for the summer and everyone is putting their skills on display for the public. At parks everywhere across America, amateur athletes and hobbyists are kicking balls, flying kites, and tossing frisbees with limited hand eye coordination. You certainly won’t see them on ESPN, but if you were at Golden Gate Park yesterday you saw the perfect storm of peer pressure and poor effort. Around 3PM a group of five millennials picked a nice patch of grass to throw and catch a disc with each other. At first it…

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Lindsey Vonn Fears Dancing With The Stars In Her Future

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Sports by

By: Mike Maxwell Pyeongchang, South Korea – The world just witnessed the swan song of arguably one of the best skiers of all time, Lindsey Vonn. At the sad but true age of thirty three, her Olympic career is over. It’s a bittersweet time for the legend as she gave it all on the slopes experiencing championships, broken bones, and even a footnote relationship with Tiger Woods. Vonn currently stands with the highest Super Ranking of any skier and has confirmed her competitive skiing career is over. Now what? The road ahead for sports legends has a few paths to…

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