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Politics

The latest coverage on the apocalypse that people call politics.

We Ranked Every Major U.S. War But Will Never Tell By What Parameters

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By: Art O’Warren The United States gained its independence through a long, bloody war and has been involved pretty regularly in wars ever since. We’ve lost many of our friends and family members through the atrocities of war over the years and now it’s time that we finally rank them. To avoid the risk of offending or slighting veterans involved in one war that just wasn’t as good as another, we will not, now or ever, divulge the parameters we used to creative this definitive ranking. Good luck trying to get upset over this one!   1. Mexican-American War (1846-1848)…

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New Guy At Work Already Wearing Hawaiian Shirt After Third Day

in Business/Local/Social by

By: William Jennifer A casual atmosphere in the workplace is a great way to give your employees a sense of freedom while tightening your grip on their lives with little to no raise in pay. As ping pong tables and dungarees become commonplace, the line between business-appropriate and Hell’s Angel gets increasingly blurred.  Newly hired QA Engineer, Wayne Salisbury-Bottoms, created further confusion on the topic of company etiquette last Wednesday when he strolled into work wearing a Hawaiian shirt on his third damn day. Two whole days before his first official Casual Friday, Wayne could be seen performing all of…

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Jimmy Hoffa Makes Triumphant Return To Society On FOX’s The Masked Singer

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By: Maximilian Stolte American labor union leader and grown man who still went by Jimmy instead of James, Jimmy Hoffa, had been missing for 44 years and was declared dead in absentia at the hilarious age of 69. Well, the worker’s rights bad boy shocked the world once more on this week’s episode of The Masked Singer. His re-appearance has blown the mind’s of conspiracy theorists and historians alike as his disappearance was just a ploy from television producers who were both patient and ahead of their time. Hoffa, dressed as a giant bird, sang a lackluster rendition of Dido’s…

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Chicago Improv Veteran Recalls Storming The Beaches Of Los Angeles

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Matt Ranowski, a 37 year-old veteran of the Chicago improv scene, sat at the iO bar Monday evening and regaled patrons with a haunting account of storming the beaches of Los Angeles. Sipping his third free Corona with no intent of tipping his bartender, the bearded ComedySportz referee gave the unvarnished truth to new improv recruits of the war path he faced. “The year was 2007, and all we had were the clothes on our backs and an organic sense of ‘yes and,’” recalled the flushed-faced bachelor. “My brothers and I finished iO’s full program together…

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Amazon Launches New Service That Allows Prime Members To Ship Friends And Family

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By: Philip Lindsey SEATTLE, WA—It was standing room only in Seattle Center’s Arena where Jeff Bezos, ageless, celebrated Amazon’s newest service. The newest service, Amazon People, allows Prime Members the option of two day shipping their friends and relatives directly to their door. Simply navigate to the Amazon homepage, select a friend or family member – domestic shipping only, and they’ll be on your doorstep in two days.  After acquiring the Washington Post, Whole Foods, Twitch, and Zappos, Bezos said, “I see Amazon everywhere, seriously, and my optician is at a loss. While critics of Amazon question the legality of…

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Lucky Couple Win Big With NRA Sponsored Trip For Two To Yemen

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By: Philip Lindsey GARY, IN—“HOLY SHIT!” shouted Sara Lounsbury-Carter, 27, and David Lounsbury-Carter, 28,  minutes after holding up the winning raffle ticket. The couple are the first to win a two day all expenses paid trip to the war torn country of Yemen, courtesy of the NRA. Bushmaster AR-15 rounds ricocheted around the room in celebration while NRA Chapter President John K. Robert had some choice words for the couple. “This is going to be an eye opening experience for you kids. Go see what the world’s like and give ‘em hell.” In a bid to strengthen relations with a…

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Pelosi Urges Caution In Removing Writhing Squid Meat From Charcuterie Spread

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By: Simon Tessmer WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is urging caution to those in her brunch party eager to initiate removal proceedings against the pile of writhing squid meat slithering all over their charcuterie spread. Though the historic nature of the squid meat’s abuses of stomach health have long been public to La Jambe’s other customers, Pelosi fears attempting to oust the glistening mound of twitching tentacles may backfire during later courses. Those seated to Pelosi’s left are making the most impassioned arguments for scraping the viscous sea-legs off their now slippery shared plate of meats and cheeses.…

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Advanced Reading Seven Year-Old Bursting With Potential For Online Radicalization

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Grant Wilson, an adorable second grader recently placed in an advanced reading group at The Nettelhorst School, is bright-eyed and bursting with potential of online radicalization. Whether it’s extreme far-right groups or homespun anti-vaxxers, Grant’s early grasp on independent and dependent clauses makes him a promising fit for social isolation and getting caught up in toxic web forums. “On day one when we read aloud passages from Because of Winn-Dixie, I could tell Grant’s comprehension was head and shoulders above the rest of the class,” said Nettelhorst teacher Judy Belanger. “It’s a real treat to teach…

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Tamagotchi Introduces New Digital Pets That Comprehend Death

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By: Daniel Wightkin EL SEGUNDO, CA—Calling it a revolution for the digital pet simulation genre, Bandai America announced Tuesday that their new Tamagotchi game features pets that comprehend the concept of death. “From the day they hatch, these adorable Tamagotchi are completely cognizant of their mortality and the fact that life is fleeting. This opens up many exciting new gameplay elements, with players helping their pet grapple with their temporary digital existence,” said Bandai in a press release. Developers boast that this version keeps the traditional happiness and hunger status bars while adding an anxiety bar that, if not kept…

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Blasting Off With Taron Egerton: Exclusive Interview

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By: Simon Tessmer You may know movie star Taron Egerton as the lead suave spy in the Kingsman franchise, but singing and tickling the ivories? Indeed, the Welsh actor is taking a less violent and more lyrical turn as the iconic singer/songwriter Elton John in the upcoming musical biopic Rocketman. Word Brothel had the privilege of catching up with Taron at his Los Angeles estate to talk singing, portraying an icon, and sacrificing Elton John at a blood altar to absorb his essential life force. What was your biggest challenge in preparing to play such an iconic figure? I was…

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