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New Guy At Work Already Wearing Hawaiian Shirt After Third Day

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By: William Jennifer A casual atmosphere in the workplace is a great way to give your employees a sense of freedom while tightening your grip on their lives with little to no raise in pay. As ping pong tables and dungarees become commonplace, the line between business-appropriate and Hell’s Angel gets increasingly blurred.  Newly hired QA Engineer, Wayne Salisbury-Bottoms, created further confusion on the topic of company etiquette last Wednesday when he strolled into work wearing a Hawaiian shirt on his third damn day. Two whole days before his first official Casual Friday, Wayne could be seen performing all of…

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Jimmy Hoffa Makes Triumphant Return To Society On FOX’s The Masked Singer

in Business/Celebrity/Entertainment/Politics by

By: Maximilian Stolte American labor union leader and grown man who still went by Jimmy instead of James, Jimmy Hoffa, had been missing for 44 years and was declared dead in absentia at the hilarious age of 69. Well, the worker’s rights bad boy shocked the world once more on this week’s episode of The Masked Singer. His re-appearance has blown the mind’s of conspiracy theorists and historians alike as his disappearance was just a ploy from television producers who were both patient and ahead of their time. Hoffa, dressed as a giant bird, sang a lackluster rendition of Dido’s…

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Amazon Launches New Service That Allows Prime Members To Ship Friends And Family

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By: Philip Lindsey SEATTLE, WA—It was standing room only in Seattle Center’s Arena where Jeff Bezos, ageless, celebrated Amazon’s newest service. The newest service, Amazon People, allows Prime Members the option of two day shipping their friends and relatives directly to their door. Simply navigate to the Amazon homepage, select a friend or family member – domestic shipping only, and they’ll be on your doorstep in two days.  After acquiring the Washington Post, Whole Foods, Twitch, and Zappos, Bezos said, “I see Amazon everywhere, seriously, and my optician is at a loss. While critics of Amazon question the legality of…

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Tamagotchi Introduces New Digital Pets That Comprehend Death

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By: Daniel Wightkin EL SEGUNDO, CA—Calling it a revolution for the digital pet simulation genre, Bandai America announced Tuesday that their new Tamagotchi game features pets that comprehend the concept of death. “From the day they hatch, these adorable Tamagotchi are completely cognizant of their mortality and the fact that life is fleeting. This opens up many exciting new gameplay elements, with players helping their pet grapple with their temporary digital existence,” said Bandai in a press release. Developers boast that this version keeps the traditional happiness and hunger status bars while adding an anxiety bar that, if not kept…

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Blasting Off With Taron Egerton: Exclusive Interview

in Business/Celebrity/Entertainment/Movies/Music by

By: Simon Tessmer You may know movie star Taron Egerton as the lead suave spy in the Kingsman franchise, but singing and tickling the ivories? Indeed, the Welsh actor is taking a less violent and more lyrical turn as the iconic singer/songwriter Elton John in the upcoming musical biopic Rocketman. Word Brothel had the privilege of catching up with Taron at his Los Angeles estate to talk singing, portraying an icon, and sacrificing Elton John at a blood altar to absorb his essential life force. What was your biggest challenge in preparing to play such an iconic figure? I was…

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Facebook Promises More Options For Interested Warmongers

in Business/Politics/Social by

By: Zachary Hacker MENLO PARK, CA—Today at a Facebook shareholders meeting, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced new features to optimize the platform’s outreach. They have heard the cries of warmongers and extremists around the world, each one begging for ease of service and more support for their message. Facebook showcased three new features and promised, “We are here to help.” The first feature discussed was a way to streamline exactly what your [warmongers] target audience sees. Zuckerberg says that for genocidal maniacs to get the most out of their manifesto, you can take down those posts that offer alternative facts to…

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Employee Late To Meeting Still Delaying Agenda With Excessive Apology

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Accounting manager Mark Stevens arrived fifteen minutes late to his company’s Tuesday morning staff meeting and is still delaying its agenda with his excessive apology. Though Stevens’ fellow Razor Marketing employees generally agreed his lateness was not a big deal, the 47 year-old team member’s marathon apology has stretched into its second day, resulting in a continued colossal dive in company productivity and morale.   Stevens’ initial excuse for being tardy was “perfectly reasonable” according to sales associate Lisa Beasley. “He said ‘traffic was bad,’ we all shrugged, and our boss Jen started her quarterly earnings…

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New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

in Business/Politics/Science by

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

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By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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