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Holiday

Holidays and family can be a real drag. A horrible drag. The worst.

Local Boy’s Handmade Ornament Makes Tree Look Like Shit

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By: Maximilian Stolte BILLINGS, MT—This Christmas Day, the Sullivan family congregated at the home of Patrick, Kelly, and sons Luke and David. Their home was beautifully decorated, not too gaudy and overdone as cousins Mark and Linda tend to do. Sticking out like a sore thumb however was young Luke’s handmade ornament from school that looked like complete garbage and, quite frankly, ruined Christmas. The boy’s aunt Sheryl was the first to point it out. Per usual her observational blurting out sparked the controversy that would obliterate the spirit of the holiday. “These decorations are awe inspiring, but this one…

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Eight Ways To Spell Hanukkah To Keep Gentiles On Their Toes

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By: Zack Peercy It’s that magical time of year again! The eight day holiday when goyim and shiksas litter our social media with poorly spelled seasons greetings. It can be a real test of the Jewish faith. Is the correct spelling of a holiday really so much to ask? This year, let’s have some fun. Here are eight ways to spell Hanukkah to confuse your non-Jewish friends. Monica: “The One With The Celebration of Lights.” Convince your Christmas-loving cohorts that it’s actually spelled “Monica” after Courtney Cox’s character from Friends. She was only half-Jewish on the show, but she was…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

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By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

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Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

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By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

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Report: 97% Of Dads Say That’ll Do The Trick

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WASHINGTON D.C.— According to the most recent U.S. census, the American Fatherhood population remains at 70.1 million. Recent polling has given insight that in a nearly unanimous level of support, that 97% of dads say that’ll do the trick. Whether they’re needed to fix, jimmy, hang, or other fish to fry, dads from bloody ol’ London to Mumbai and back to the dirt roads of Mississippi know the knockout punch to every kid’s demands. Throughout 2018, Americans have been searching for intel on a bevy of life’s trials and tribulations. The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse noted that on a daily…

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Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For Children Who Aren’t Her Favorite

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By: Mike Maxwell Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again. Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that…

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Fucking Called It: Older Brother Right About Easter Bunny Too

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By: Maximilian Stolte ST. LOUIS, MO—Yesterday morning saw the end of an era for local 6-year-old Jay Schmidt, whose older brother’s assertion that the Easter bunny was a myth perpetrated by their lying parents was confirmed at the West County Mall. Jay was both shocked and dismayed to discover that, like Santa Clause, this lovable holiday character was just a ruse and that all of life is a cruel lie. Just months prior, Jay’s older brother Thomas broke news to Jay that Christmas was just consumerism masquerading as a religious holiday to get American’s to spend money on stuff they…

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