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Mr. Fancy Pants Too Good To Eat Little Caesars

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By: Daniel Wightkin MEDFORD, OR—Sticking his nose in the air at the sight of the grease stained boxes, sources confirmed Saturday that Mr. Fancy Pants, local man Douglas Rumsfeld, is apparently too good to eat Little Caesars. “Well well well, looks like Mr. Bourgeois Society is stuck too far up on his high horse to come down and eat a Hot ‘n Ready with the masses.”   “What a fucking shame,” remarked Rebecca Lynn, adding that the Lord of Milk and Honey adamantly refused to take even a single slice despite complaining about being hungry only minutes earlier. “I believe his…

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Amazon Launches New Service That Allows Prime Members To Ship Friends And Family

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By: Philip Lindsey SEATTLE, WA—It was standing room only in Seattle Center’s Arena where Jeff Bezos, ageless, celebrated Amazon’s newest service. The newest service, Amazon People, allows Prime Members the option of two day shipping their friends and relatives directly to their door. Simply navigate to the Amazon homepage, select a friend or family member – domestic shipping only, and they’ll be on your doorstep in two days.  After acquiring the Washington Post, Whole Foods, Twitch, and Zappos, Bezos said, “I see Amazon everywhere, seriously, and my optician is at a loss. While critics of Amazon question the legality of…

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Corgi Instagram Influencer Not Even Grateful For Owner Buying Followers

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By: Tanya Kornilovich CHICAGO, IL—A local Pembroke Welsh just surpassed the chihuahua Marigold as the #1 dog on Instagram. Bagels and his team celebrated with an announcement across all social media platforms with the caption, “Thank you to all my fans who made this paw-sibble.” Bagels, however, is reportedly completely ungrateful for the thousands of followers his mother has bought him on Instagram.  Dog mom Lynette Smith quit her full time job as a Head of Marketing at a bank in order support Bagels’ childhood dream of advertising dog treats to 600,000 white women across the world. She now runs…

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Suburban Rapper Struggles To Find Adversity In Such A Supportive Environment


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By: Graham Reinbold ZIONSVILLE, IN—Carter Monahugh was raised in one of the most affluent suburbs in the U.S., but that hasn’t stopped him from pursuing his dream of becoming the next online hip-hop sensation. “Most rappers are able to spit bars about coming from nothing and fighting a powerful system that oppresses them at every turn, but I don’t have that option,” said Monahugh, buffing out a scratch in the Yeezy’s gifted to him on his 17th birthday.  “I wish I could rap about proving all my haters wrong, but everyone I talk to is so goddamn supportive,” exclaimed a…

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Remember Kirby? Well Now He’s Jacked And Wants You To Eat Sushi Off His Abs

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By: Jack Hutsey It was supposed to be a nice date night with your boo, to celebrate 18 months of conjugal, millennial bliss. You made reservations three months ago for the hottest new sushi place, Trukake. It’s one of those elegant, post-hip places where you eat California rolls off some hard body. You get seated at your table and they bring out warm sake. Then you see him. Kirby. Fucking Kirby from your GameBoy. But he’s not a pink sphere anymore. He is fucking chiseled. Every muscle defined like a Renaissance sculpture. Delts, pecs, lats, abs, ‘ceps of both bi…

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Guide: Is Your Flight Attendant Flirting Or Trying To Get You To Open An Emergency Exit?

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By: Graham Reinbold Hey Word Brothel! My name is Richard Sampson, and I’m constantly traveling for work. I’ve had the same problem every time my flight makes an unexpected landing. I can’t figure out if flight attendants are flirting with me, or just trying to get me to open the emergency exit? During my last trip to Dallas for example, all the signs were there. This flight attendant was showering me with attention, and couldn’t keep her eyes off me! I felt like the most important man in her world, but something was off. I just couldn’t figure out If…

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Advanced Reading Seven Year-Old Bursting With Potential For Online Radicalization

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Grant Wilson, an adorable second grader recently placed in an advanced reading group at The Nettelhorst School, is bright-eyed and bursting with potential of online radicalization. Whether it’s extreme far-right groups or homespun anti-vaxxers, Grant’s early grasp on independent and dependent clauses makes him a promising fit for social isolation and getting caught up in toxic web forums. “On day one when we read aloud passages from Because of Winn-Dixie, I could tell Grant’s comprehension was head and shoulders above the rest of the class,” said Nettelhorst teacher Judy Belanger. “It’s a real treat to teach…

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Tamagotchi Introduces New Digital Pets That Comprehend Death

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By: Daniel Wightkin EL SEGUNDO, CA—Calling it a revolution for the digital pet simulation genre, Bandai America announced Tuesday that their new Tamagotchi game features pets that comprehend the concept of death. “From the day they hatch, these adorable Tamagotchi are completely cognizant of their mortality and the fact that life is fleeting. This opens up many exciting new gameplay elements, with players helping their pet grapple with their temporary digital existence,” said Bandai in a press release. Developers boast that this version keeps the traditional happiness and hunger status bars while adding an anxiety bar that, if not kept…

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Guy With Quarter-Jewish Ancestry Too Comfortable Making Holocaust Jokes

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—In a drastic misjudgment of the cultural leniency afforded by his slim quarter-Jewish heritage, Wicker Park resident, Anthony Becker, frequently jokes about the Holocaust. Becker has never actively practiced Judaism, and has attended only half of one friend’s bar mitzvah, yet he considers edgy references to World War II his way of connecting to his family’s past. “I’ll never forget the first time my father mentioned that my grandmother fled Nazi Germany with her family when she was three years old,” said 22 year-old Becker. “From then on I knew I had to honor my lineage…

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Facebook Promises More Options For Interested Warmongers

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By: Zachary Hacker MENLO PARK, CA—Today at a Facebook shareholders meeting, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced new features to optimize the platform’s outreach. They have heard the cries of warmongers and extremists around the world, each one begging for ease of service and more support for their message. Facebook showcased three new features and promised, “We are here to help.” The first feature discussed was a way to streamline exactly what your [warmongers] target audience sees. Zuckerberg says that for genocidal maniacs to get the most out of their manifesto, you can take down those posts that offer alternative facts to…

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