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Oh No! Your Stoner Friend Got Too High, Forgot To Post About How High He Was Today

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4/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Jason Peters of Denver, Colorado got so high today that he completely forgot to update everyone on his social media accounts about his marijuana usage on this of all days. Don’t worry though, he still got very stoned and we have all the exclusive details he wanted to post, but was simply too baked to tell you about. Here is some well needed closure. His morning started bright and early at the crack of noon, when he ripped his bong, still packed from last night, without even getting out of bed. After a bowl of cereal…

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Military Dog Dies While Awaiting Treatment From V.A.

Politics by

4/18/2017 By: Ben Gauwitz An Armed Forces canine named Valor died this week in Bexar County, Texas. Valor, a 52* year old German Shepherd, bravely served in the 37th Security Forces Squadron from 2010-2016. Born in Germany, Valor was purchased by the U.S. Military at three months old. He was shipped to Texas and trained at Lackland Air Force Base. Valor’s specialties included detecting explosives, tracking fugitives, and giving kissies. Valor served three 2-year tours of duty amassing numerous accolades- most notably the American Humane Lois Pope LIFE K-9 Medal of Courage and the United States Military Working Dog Service…

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7 Songs Jesus Might Have Walked Out Of Tomb To If They Came Out 2,000 Years Earlier

Holiday/Music by

4/16/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is Easter and almost 2,000 years ago Jesus woke up from the dead after a 3 day trip to the afterlife. While we don’t know for certain what his musical tastes were, let’s just go ahead and assume an entrance this grand would have been accompanied by an amazing song. While we’re at it, let’s imagine popular songs from today came out 2,000 years earlier and he could choose from any of them. 7. Jesus Walks- Kanye West This one should be obvious. Like a major league baseball player’s walk out song, this one has…

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Guy Who Slept Rent-Free On Your Couch All Winter Attending All 13 MSG Phish Shows

Local/Music by

4/11/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte This summer, as Phish prepares to play a baker’s dozen at Madison Square Garden, your jobless “roommate” is gearing up for a great time in New York. He’s overcome the obstacle of his joblessness and procured tickets to all of the shows. The only question is, will he have any extras for you to repay you for your kindness? Born Benjamin Washington, he is now known by various aliases in the jam band community. Whether he’s “Dirt Nap”, “K-Hole Ben”, or “Lil Scabies”, one thing remains certain: he slept on your couch and he owes you…

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Coca-Cola Sales Skyrocket in the Midst of Its ‘Not Being Pepsi’ Campaign

Business/Social by

4/6/2017 By: Jason Elewski In a country strongly divided between red and blue, it appears a clear champion has finally prevailed in the age-old Pepsi challenge, and it might not be who you think. Today, the Coca-Cola Company launched its “Not Being Pepsi” campaign, effectively uniting our once fragmentary nation behind a single beloved soda pop. By ingeniously not being Pepsi, Coca-Cola has provoked Americans from all walks of life to take to social media in order to declare their love for the brown carbonated beverage that isn’t Pepsi. Coca-Cola spokesperson, Sally Vanderschmidt, issued a statement today, announcing that Coke…

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All Lives Matter Man Buys Surplus Of Pepsi In Support Of New Commercial

4/6/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte The internet is abuzz with the newest advertisement from Pepsi, in which Kendall Jenner gives a police officer at a protest a cold beverage and you can see with your own eyes as he becomes sympathetic to the protestors point of view. This ad has been heavily criticized on social media and the opposition to that opposition is fighting back! Pete Bierman, self-proclaimed frontman of the All Lives Matter movement, took action the only way one can in a capitalist society: his money. He bought 100 cases (3,000 cans) of Pepsi in support of the advertisement…

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Lady With Netflix Account Acting Like The People v. O.J. Simpson Is a Brand New Show

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4/4/2017 By: Jason Elewski The People v. O.J. Simpson WAS a marvelous show. It successfully walked the line between real life tragedy and melodramatic cable television fodder. You couldn’t talk about television LAST YEAR without hearing about the Emmy winner for Outstanding Limited Series in 2016. Old news right? Wrong! Not for Linda Winkler, at least. Winkler, a Netflix subscriber since 2013, was seen today at work, waxing poetic about the 2016 Golden Globes favorite as if it were a brand freaking new thing. Like a woman awoken from a cryogenic freeze, Linda remains in awe over the wonders of…

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Study Shows Average Person Swallows Whole Head Of Fast Food Employee Hair Each Year

Business/Health by

3/30/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Fast food consumers have decreased their intake and started opting for healthier food on the go over the past decade. Thanks to a new study by food scientists at Columbia University, that number may drop even more. Their shocking new study shows that the average fast food customer swallows 100,000 fast food employee hairs every year; that’s an entire human head’s worth of hair! Let’s break down the statistics here for our mathematically challenged readers. This is the average fast food eater. If you primarily cook at home or eat at sit down restaurants, this statistic…

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Top 10 Reality Celebs Better Suited for Presidency Than Donald Trump

Celebrity/Politics by

3/28/2017 By: Ben Gauwitz Could being a reality TV star be the new prerequisite for the top office of the world’s most powerful nation? We can only hope. Here is a list of the top 10 celebrities who would be better leaders for our country than President Donald J. Trump. And remember, this is the just the top 10, there are at least a hundred reality “stars” who are more equipped to lead the free world than our current flavor of the week.   10. Ru Paul (Ru Paul’s Drag Race) White House? More like red carpets and technicolor dreamcoats!…

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Fuckhead Who Doesn’t Like Sports Poised To Have Best Bracket Again

Sports by

3/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte March Madness is in the air and the competition on the court is matched only by the competition in the office and amongst groups of friends. Like any form of gambling, it mostly comes down to luck. While watching NCAA basketball all season can help while filling out your bracket, you’ll never beat that dicknose who who picks teams based on arbitrary stipulations. We all know him. He uses words like “sports ball” and ironically watches the Super Bowl every year just for the commercials and half time show. This ass-wipe  only enters the bracket pool…

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