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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Future Gun-Hating Liberals Want For America

10/22/2017 By: Jack McGovern The Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie franchise is a nightmarish hellscape to most viewers, but what strikes fear in the hearts of most sane people is a utopian dream to nutbag liberals. The overarching theme of the movies is that, without guns, Americans will still brutally murder one another with chainsaws and then eat the bodies of the victims. This is the future that all who hate the second amendment pray for each night to their left-wing version of god (George Soros). The grisly murders committed by Leatherface are but a preview of what’s to come should…

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NSA Politely Asks That Americans Be Mindful of Spoilers When Talking Near Smart TVs

10/20/2017 By: Jake Dierksheide WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States National Security Agency released a statement on Tuesday urging the American population to please, ‘cool it with the specifics’ from their favorite shows when making conversation in front of their TVs. The 2-page open letter urges the American public not to share any details from popular current televisions series when they may be being surveilled, which the letter also mentions is literally anytime and anywhere. The document specifies that in today’s post-9/11 world, it has been necessary for all Americans to give up luxuries like privacy in order to keep…

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Actually, I’m More Of A Grammar Stalinist (Blog Post)

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10/19/2017 By: Tiffany Williams I don’t usually respond to comments or tweets directly on my blog, but I thought this particular case warranted a post. I was recently referred to as a “grammar nazi” and I wholeheartedly disagree. I do not appreciate having my zeal for correct usage and mechanics compared to the inhuman atrocities committed by the Third Reich. I understand the impulse to draw up Holocaust imagery to address my ferocious choice to rectify other’s misuse of punctuation. I’m forceful, but I’m no nazi. Joseph Stalin’s forced famine that resulted in the death of over seven million is the more appropriate metaphor. These fascist totalitarian states…

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Anna Faris, A Family Guy Mom And Chris Pratt, An American Dad Dad: The Real Reason Behind The Couple’s Break

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10/18/2017 By: Jennifer Allman LOS ANGELES, CA— Love is dead. We all know it, but now we know why. America’s sweethearts, Anna Faris and Chris Pratt shocked the country with the news of their separation. Perhaps more shocking is the real reason behind the couple’s split: an irreparable feud between the two’s preferences for Seth MacFarlane television programs. Anna Faris prefers the lovable, accidental witticisms of Peter Griffin while Chris Pratt can’t let go of his adoration for big-chinned Stan Smith. We can’t fault these two for their disagreement. Their fates were sealed at birth. Faris grew up in Baltimore…

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Drunk Man “Likes” All Of Crush’s Most Recent Facebook Posts

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10/12/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte PITTSBURGH, PA—At 4AM this morning, Luke Melson logged onto Facebook and scrolled through his newsfeed. As he breezed past the memes, videos, and articles, something caught his attention: a picture of Anna Jackson, who is both his high school and current crush. Sources say the two haven’t talked much since high school, and even then they didn’t talk all that much. Those closest to Luke revealed that his infatuation with Anna was one of his biggest secrets, one they would never tell the public. However, they were willing to talk to reporters about it after he…

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New Abortion Legislation Requires Women To Forget That The World Is A Horrible Place Before Making Their Decision

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10/11/2013 By: Maximilian Stolte Congress has passed a new bill that will effectively require all potential patients seeking abortion to undergo a medical procedure that many find controversial and unnecessary. The operation is described by leading Christian medical professionals as “basically the Neuralyzer from Men In Black, but it only makes the mom forget how completely fucked the planet and all its people are”. The legislation passed with overwhelming support from Republicans who argued that were a woman to be conscious of the state of humanity, they would indefinitely choose not to bring another human life into the abysmal void of our…

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Planes Don’t Fly People, People Fly People

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  10/3/2017 By: Jason Elewski There’s a false narrative spreading around our country about airplanes. With about 87,000 flights occurring in the US every day, there are some critics who say that travel wouldn’t be so easy without planes. Too often do I hear passersby say things like, “There’s no way you could transport 137 people across the country in mere hours without a plane” and “Those things were designed for one thing only and that was to fly people and they fly people everywhere.” Um, excuse me, what about helicopters? Yeah, you don’t have to tell me that the…

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Local Dad Urges “Get Some Rest” For “Big Day” Planned Tomorrow

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9/21/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Wearing a polo shirt tucked into khakis and brown slip on shoes, local dad Tom Anderson urged all within earshot, “get some sleep tomorrow, we have a big day planned”. His warning about the long day, full of events planned by himself, came right before he turned in for sleep at 10PM this past Friday night. His plan: to wake himself and everyone in the whole damn house up at 7AM Saturday morning. Liz Anderson, 18, told reporters, “We weren’t sure what it would be. Maybe helping him with yard work, going out to breakfast with…

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