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6 Times We Saw Jon Hamm Slurp His Own Fucking Piss

By: Simon Tessmer   LOS ANGELES, CA—We tracked Hamm’s activity for over a decade to find out his one big, dirty secret: he slurps his own fucking piss. We at Word Brothel were so excited to catch him in the act, and here we present the six most tantalizing times we caught Jon Hamm gleefully gorging on his own urine.    May 3rd 2007, 7:06 am – Easton Gym The Mad Men actor loves the low-key vibe of this casual L.A. fitness spot almost as much as he loves hydrating with his own fucking piss. We spotted him on a…

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5 Comfy Summer Outfits That Will Make A Stranger Scream “SHOW ME YOUR TITS BITCH!”

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By: Josie Benedetti Whether you’re on your way to work or the beach, these perfect summer pairings will be sure to make somebody, somewhere scream “SHOW ME YOUR TITS BITCH!” Summer is finally here and there’s nothing like a cute polka dot romper to keep you feeling cool and comfortable…that is until some dude in a truck yells that he “wants to make those titties bounce”! Lol! Major Summer Vibes Y’all!     Nothing sucks more than heading to work in the summer heat, except of course a group of men passing you on the way home shouting that they…

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7 Songs You’ll Like Once We Tell You The Musicians Are Hot

By: Simon Tessmer In an ideal world the only thing relevant to a song’s popularity would be the quality of its music. However, we’re all horny as fuck and imagining the steamy sexiness of a lead singer can elevate the listening experience of any given pop trash. Here are seven especially egregious examples of songs you won’t like until you realize how attractive the musicians are.   Fallen Horses – Smash Mouth We love sleeve tattoos, goatees, and unwashed ‘In Rock We Trust’ t-shirts, which is to say we have wet dreams about Steve Harwell on the regular. There’s something…

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God Sends Jesus Back For 4,015th Time

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By: Daniel Wightkin HEAVEN, IL—Assuring Himself that this time around would be different, God, the Everlasting Father, reportedly decided on Tuesday to send His son, Jesus, back to Earth for the Four Thousand And Fifteenth Coming of Christ. “Hmm, I haven’t tried starting in Canada for a while and they seem to be doing okay considering everything that is going on down there right now,” muttered the Almighty to Himself, trying to ignore the nagging fact that the previous four thousand and fourteen attempts to save His creation ended in utter disaster.  “Thankfully stoning is out of fashion, so maybe…

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Inspirational! This Woman Cured Vaginismus By Masturbating To Enya

By: Tanya Kornilovich Chicago, IL—A local woman, Stephanie Anne Smith-Cochran*, is on a mission to prove that vaginismus doesn’t have to be a life sentence of dick-less existence. Smith-Cochran is bravely and anonymously bringing awareness to the issue of vaginismus and how it can be cured with extensive exposure to Irish singer-songwriter Enya.  After one too many bike accidents, and binging The Bachelorette, Smith-Cochran found herself unable to insert a tampon, much less call on her boy toy for some recreational sex. Smith-Cochran, who holds an Associate degree and is an entrepreneur, does not have health insurance and resorted to…

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Chicago Improv Veteran Recalls Storming The Beaches Of Los Angeles

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Matt Ranowski, a 37 year-old veteran of the Chicago improv scene, sat at the iO bar Monday evening and regaled patrons with a haunting account of storming the beaches of Los Angeles. Sipping his third free Corona with no intent of tipping his bartender, the bearded ComedySportz referee gave the unvarnished truth to new improv recruits of the war path he faced. “The year was 2007, and all we had were the clothes on our backs and an organic sense of ‘yes and,’” recalled the flushed-faced bachelor. “My brothers and I finished iO’s full program together…

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Mr. Fancy Pants Too Good To Eat Little Caesars

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By: Daniel Wightkin MEDFORD, OR—Sticking his nose in the air at the sight of the grease stained boxes, sources confirmed Saturday that Mr. Fancy Pants, local man Douglas Rumsfeld, is apparently too good to eat Little Caesars. “Well well well, looks like Mr. Bourgeois Society is stuck too far up on his high horse to come down and eat a Hot ‘n Ready with the masses.”   “What a fucking shame,” remarked Rebecca Lynn, adding that the Lord of Milk and Honey adamantly refused to take even a single slice despite complaining about being hungry only minutes earlier. “I believe his…

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Amazon Launches New Service That Allows Prime Members To Ship Friends And Family

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By: Philip Lindsey SEATTLE, WA—It was standing room only in Seattle Center’s Arena where Jeff Bezos, ageless, celebrated Amazon’s newest service. The newest service, Amazon People, allows Prime Members the option of two day shipping their friends and relatives directly to their door. Simply navigate to the Amazon homepage, select a friend or family member – domestic shipping only, and they’ll be on your doorstep in two days.  After acquiring the Washington Post, Whole Foods, Twitch, and Zappos, Bezos said, “I see Amazon everywhere, seriously, and my optician is at a loss. While critics of Amazon question the legality of…

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