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74% Of World Ready To Put Some Ranch On That

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By: Mike Maxwell Hidden Valley, CO—With January coming to a close, Americans are finally ready to loosen their belts and lower their health goals. Whether bracing for Valentine’s Day or crumbling after a ‘Sober January,’ people from all walks of life are beginning to invest in their own personal reservoirs of ranch. The Federal Condiment Council’s annual sauce index was released and the data shows some compelling news. Researchers found that as the demand for organic and non-GMO food is on the rise, so is the demand for two ounces of flavor enhancing substances. The FCC has run their annual…

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Man Calculates How Much He’ll Need To Drink To Get Full Value Out Of New Year’s Eve Cover Charge

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By: Jason Elewski CHICAGO—Starting the new year on the right foot is nearly as important as determining the right New Year’s resolution. Kick off NYE with one poor decision and you might be looking at whole 365 days of shit. Known partygoer, Carl Loftus, knew this all too well when he agreed to join his friends for a New Year’s Eve event at a local cocktail bar with an $80 cover charge. Having spent the most of 2017 making frivolous purchases, Loftus was determined not to begin 2018 by falling into his old habits. During the course of the past…

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6 Frasier Inspired Recipes To Add Some Sophistication To Your New Years Eve Party

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1. Roz-Berry Pie Start by mixing greens of your choice in a bowl. Romaine lettuce, arugula, tomatoes, etc. Set bowl aside. On over medium heat, whisk eggs with a dash of milk and cook in a pan. In a pie dish, put a layer of the tossed lettuce mixture to act as the crust. Fill with the scrambled egg mixture. Top with remaining mixed greens and set out to cool. 2. Crostini a la Crane Start by greasing a pan with olive oil and preheating oven to 450 degrees. In a bowl, toss iceberg lettuce, diced cabbage, romaine lettuce, and…

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US Supreme Court Lands Taco Bell Sponsorship Deal

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By: Jake Dierksheide WASHINGTON, D.C. – After many months of negotiations a sponsorship agreement has finally been reached between The Supreme Court of the United States of America and popular chain restaurant Taco Bell. The deal was announced through a joint conference in front of the United States Supreme Court building, and marks the first time that Taco Bell has sponsored a major branch of the federal government. “We are really excited to have the opportunity to work with these esteemed judges” stated Taco Bell spokesperson Martha Janssen, “The Supreme Court and Taco Bell are complementary institutions: we push the…

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Minimalist Hipster Buys $6 Coffee

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10/30/2017 By: Mike Maxwell CHICAGO, IL- Another morning broke for repeatedly declared minimalist, Colin Porter rolled off his futon.  His feet hit the floor without an alarm, as he’d done for the past three years since finding himself. Dressed for the day, or possible hitchhiking to Burning Man, he exited his modest, garden unit apartment that reminded him daily to come down off the high horse of consumerism. After crossing a few gentrified blocks in Chicago, he came to his favorite neighborhood coffee shop, ‘Hard Pressed.’ There are no barista’s as it’s a communal coffee shop where patrons pay to…

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Paleo Diet Claims Another Life [Video]

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9/8/2017 With all of the fad diets sweeping the nation, it is difficult to tell which of them are truly healthy and which are literally killing you. In this video, Sandy Waters investigates the paleo diet and the unforeseen consequences that it had on one dieter that changed his life forever.

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5 Warning Signs That The Milkman Might Be A Process Server

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9/5/2017 By: Jason Elewski Milkmen are the everyday heroes that provide us with rich, calcium-filled, silky smooth milk—the thing that keeps America’s backbone strong. We eagerly welcome them into our homes 2-3 times per week without hesitation. Why shouldn’t we? In this day and age, however, a nefarious group of subservient subhumans have taken advantage of our dependence on dairy in order to surreptitiously serve us subpoenas. Here’s a few tips on how to spot these scoundrels if they ever come knocking.    1.) It’s Tuesday: You just got fresh milk yesterday! Unless you’re hoarding milk in the middle of a…

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