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9 Out Of 10 Old-Timey Doctors Agree Whiskey Will Cure Everything

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By: Cassandra Vandersands In a really old study published 6,257 weeks ago, doctors with PhDs from nowhere discovered a cure to everything. Through years of non-clinical trials, old-timey medicine men concluded in no uncertain terms that whiskey can fix nearly anything from gunshot wounds to gonorrhea. Yessir, this number one cure-all is the magic bullet that you and your dearest loved ones need to make it through the harsh winter months and those sluggish summer days. One drop of this elixir can make you stronger, faster, and prettier than a $30 steed, but why stop at one drop when two…

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State Of The Union Drinking Game Results In Hundreds Dead

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By: Ross Childs WASHINGTON, DC—During the President’s State Of The Union address, millions of Americans gathered for the annual SOTU drinking game, where participants take a shot every time the president takes credit for someone else’s accomplishment, doubles down on a ridiculous campaign promise, attempts to shift blame, or engages in a number of predicted behavioral patterns – anyone of which was guaranteed to get anyone playing positively schnacklered. This year, however, a Chicago resident named Clarb Blorfgrin decided to add a new rule: take a shot every time someone in attendance looks like they’re “over it.” Within 20 minutes…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

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By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

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By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Wendy’s Unveils New ‘Hangover Obliteration’ Menu for New Year’s Day

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By: Ross Childs   ANYTOWN, USA — New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year shook America last night and so is the world-beating hangover that inevitably followed today. But put that Pedialyte down! Don’t reach for the ginger ale! Fast Food giant and salt magnate Wendy’s has unveiled the new “Hangover Obliteration Menu” to be released January 1, 2019. The famous restaurant says the items presented in this catalogue of cholesterol are guaranteed to smother even the most debilitating of post-party brain pains with the perfect combo of grease, salt, and nostalgia for that mongoose-ridden burger joint you…

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Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

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By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy…

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Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

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By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

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Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

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By: Jeff Sweatly A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee. The…

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Shame: This Fetus Would’ve Been Subway’s Two-Billionth Customer If It Weren’t Aborted

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By: Nicholas Anthony Scutti If you’re pro-life, get those tissues out and ready. It was announced a few hours ago that a three month old fetus, the one who would’ve been Subway’s two-billionth customer, was aborted, never to develop to full term to know what a Subway sandwich would taste like. The fetus, who would’ve been named Tommy (or Sandra if it was a girl), was destined from the beginning of time to be crowned as Subway’s two billionth customer while ordering a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt in 2047. But thanks to a seven-to-two majority from the godless Supreme Court…

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Little Leaguer Signs With Team For Unprecedented 10-Pizza Party Deal

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By: Shelby Dollartree PARMA, OH—Allowing teams to court him for the past month, shortstop Tyler Garcia has set a new standard in the world of little league baseball. Receiving offers ranging from ice cream nights to post-game snack bags, he has finally signed with the Little Tigers for an unprecedented deal. “I thought and prayed on this for a long time and I had to admit to myself, my family, and my friends that I’m worth more than 1 or 2 pizza parties per season. I’m a 10-pizza party player,” said Garcia, 11, adding that he really likes pepperoni pizzas…

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