Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Drinking Coffee And Everyone Knowing When You’re Taking A Dump

in Food/Drink/Health/Local/Science by
By: Jeff Sweatly

A cup of joe in the morning is essential to maintaining the constitution necessary for morning commutes, water cooler conversations, afternoon meetings, and bitchin’ happy hours. That steamy cup of hot bean water is what fuels America and effectively why we as Americans run on Dunkin. This beautiful caffeinated concoction, however, may also be the cause for some embarrassment according to a recent study conducted by the Browning Institute. As it turns out, 4 out of every 5 people know exactly what you’re doing in the bathroom, provided they witness you consuming a cup of coffee.

The study, conducted in various cafes around the country, asked participants to monitor what patrons were drinking and then attempt to deduce exactly what they were doing in the public bathroom after consuming their beverage. In the case of teas, sodas, and water, the participant guesses showed no conclusive signs of knowing whether the patrons were doing number ones, number twos, or simply being exceptionally hygienic and making a special trip to the bathroom to wash their hands. Participants observing patrons drinking coffee, however, overwhelming knew that they were taking massive poos in the restroom.

Various factors were considered when collecting data, such as walking speed to the bathroom, time spent in the bathroom, and decibel levels emitted from the bathroom, but in the end it appeared that people just somehow inherently knew that if a person downed a cup of coffee, they were definitely taking a shit. One researcher stated, “I’m a woman of science, but every single person in this cafe knew that this dude was walking to the bathroom to take a dump and I’m gonna be honest, it was spiritual.”

The scientists involved with the study gathered their information from customers by waiting for them outside the bathroom and asking what they had just done. The researchers admit that the true numbers may be even more staggering than initially reported, leaving a margin of error for liars who claim to have not dropped a gigantic turd in the toilet after drinking a venti light roast from Starbucks.