By: Ross Childs
ANYTOWN, USA — New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year shook America last night and so is the world-beating hangover that inevitably followed today. But put that Pedialyte down! Don’t reach for the ginger ale! Fast Food giant and salt magnate Wendy’s has unveiled the new “Hangover Obliteration Menu” to be released January 1, 2019. The famous restaurant says the items presented in this catalogue of cholesterol are guaranteed to smother even the most debilitating of post-party brain pains with the perfect combo of grease, salt, and nostalgia for that mongoose-ridden burger joint you loved in college. Take a look at these delectable, mouth-watering, heart-slowing meals that will leave you satisfied, assuming you survive.
BACON DOUBLENATOR BBQ BACONATORNATOR
Nothing cures a hangover like a greasy burger, and Wendy’s best burger is the baconator! Beef and bacon, dripping with cheese, ketchup, and enough mayonnaise to spackle drywall. Holy shit, there’s nothing better, right? WRONG! Wendy’s just shoved a double baconator into a pound of hamburger meat, deep fried that bad boy TWICE, wrapped it in bacon, covered it in Wisconsin cheddar, drowned it in barbecue sauce, and slapped it between two loaves of bacon bread. That’s bread with bacon but in it – keep up, dumbass! Ramrod this monstrosity down your trap and you won’t feel your hangover anymore, because you won’t feel anything at all.
CHICKEN NUGGET BUCKET
Soak up those bad feelings with literally hundreds of tiny greasy slabs of mouth love. Served with a mason jar of sweet and sour sauce to slather all over these little beauties…or yourself. Why not? You’ve already consumed your weight in fermented everything, so how bout a sweet & sour sauce bath. See if you can get the nuggets to stick to your forehead. Don’t wait for them to cool down, either.
SALTINES SOAKED IN ORANGE GATORADE
This is a classic hangover cure. Wendy’s just cut out the middleman and served them up as a premade sludge. Dump it down your gullet as a reminder of how much you knowingly put your body through.
DAY-OLD PIZZA FROM YOUR LIVING ROOM COFFEE TABLE
Wendy’s broke into your house last night and stole your leftover pizza – the one by the half-completed Bud Light pyramid. And they knocked over the pyramid. What are you gonna do about it? That’s right, you’re gonna buy it back, you trainwreck! Because the feeling of that cold, soggy, shapeless mound of wet bread, dry sauce, and hard cheese sounds PERFECT right now, doesn’t it? You could microwave it, too, but we both know you won’t.
A HANDFUL OF CHEESE PUFFS
Yes. Cheese puffs. A specific Wendy’s employee called “Cheesie Pete” will scoop the delicious balls of cheese-dusted oxygen into your mouth like a tasty post-holer. You don’t even need to move your arms. It’s okay. Don’t talk, Eat. But don’t look Cheesie Pete in the eye – he frightens easily.
Order anything off the Hangover Menu, and Uber will send over a sweet old Irish lady to hug you for 10 uninterrupted minutes. There’s still love to be felt in this world, despite the locomotive currently barreling it’s way through your head. For an extra $5, she will tell you “This too shall pass” in a calming, ASMR-like voice. It’s okay to cry.
OIL DRUM FULL OF NUTELLA
The coast guard has loaned Wendy’s a coastal defense barge for Navy-sized 55-gallon drums of Nutella, using Chinook helicopters to deliver them right to your door! Don’t even bother with a spoon. Just shove your hand right in there! Mix it with that jar of peanut butter you’ve had since college for a loose Reese’s taste! As a bonus, if your hands are covered with a chocolatey hazelnut spread, it’s hard to text your ex. But that won’t stop you from trying because LOVE IS REAL!
The good folks at Wendy’s realize that the morning after New Year’s Eve is an unholy shitshow from the darkest depths of the pit. That’s why they want to help as you wade through the waters of dry mouth and regret. So order one or all or any combination of these items on January 1st, and know that Wendy’s is here for you…quietly and from a distance.