Light Yogurt Not Working As Substitution For Karen’s Existential Dread
By: Josie Benedetti
Chicago, IL— Administrative Assistant Karen Bundy was looking for something to eliminate the crushing weight of her meaningless existence and some of that pesky weight from her midsection. She found that Yoplait’s new light yogurt options left her still hungry for death and more high calorie snacks later in the day.
Bundy was on her morning commute Tuesday when absolutely nothing in her monotonous life changed at all. Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported that Bundy arrived looking worn down, robotic in her movements, and had a general lack of life behind her cold, dead eyes.
At lunch, Bundy was reportedly seen with a low calorie cherry cheesecake Yoplait cup. She commented, “I thought this could be the thing that turned things around for me. I’ve heard that cake makes people happy. I just want to be happy.” Three spoonfuls in and the fresh rush of meaninglessness washed over her. Bundy said she was instantly aware of the taste of modified corn starch and utter despair.
“I threw away the half eaten cup of melting red dye 47 and went back to faxing. The same as this morning. The same as yesterday. The same as always. Is this the rest of my life? Why? Why was I born? I didn’t ask for this terrible cake flavored light yogurt option! OPEN YOUR EYES! REALITY ISN’T REAL AT ALL! NOTHING MATTERS!”
Upon returning to work, Bundy placed her head in the copy machine and began to repeatedly slam the top down on the side of her face and turned and stared into the green light as it scanned over her motionless face again and again for the next three hours.
Coworker Tom Burgerstein reported back, “After lunch Karen was back to her old peppy self and I noticed she was eating a diet Yoplait for lunch. I suspect she’s met a new special someone. Good for her!”