By: Graham Trust
Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble.
Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying that crispety, crunchety, peanut buttery goodness.
Your mom will tell you that she needs to check the seams of the wrapper for puncture marks, because she understands the mind of a psychopath better than an FBI profiler on TV. But make no mistake, mom is all for one and none for all.
This is perhaps the trickiest treat in your candy bag. Boasting almonds, but hiding a rich coconut core, the Almond Joy is the perfect target for your parents’ refined candy palette. They’ll tell you that extra analysis is required due to arsenic’s tendency to smell like almonds, but if given the chance, they’ll eat it in their bedroom while they laugh about their ingenious caper.
In an attempt to recapture the simplicity of youth, your parents will tell you that Nerds are the easiest candy to poison, because the box can be opened and resealed with almost no trace of tampering. You may resist at first, but they will sit you down and show you a Wikipedia article about the Tylenol murders of 1982 and instill a healthy fear of anything that doesn’t come in a tamper-proof container.
This is perhaps the only time of year that you see this delight and the bastards that raised you have the balls to rip this treat right out of your hands with a set of lies that would make your grandparents want to wash their mouths out with soap. How dare they? If they cry poison, you cry misdemeanor theft!
With its ad campaign informing older, wiser individuals to steal this treat within a treat from young dumb kids fixated on abstract knowledge over enjoyment, it’s no surprise that this would be at the top of parents’ lists of candies to steal from you. Now that the “how many licks” jig is up though, mom and dad will employ more cunning tactics like telling you that they need to make sure your candy isn’t coated with toilet cleaner.
Just kidding. Nobody likes candy corn. Your parents stole your starburst. Next week when you’re at the bottom of your candy bag and you’re jonesing for a sugar fix, you’ll look at those disgusting little triangles that are neither candy nor corn and you will shamefully eat them and they will give you no pleasure in return. Damn your parents!
Inform your parents that you’d rather die before giving up your hard-earned bag of sugary contraband, because their concern doesn’t lie with your wellbeing, but instead with their ungratified sweet tooth.