Cuomo Embarrassed Only 11 Women Felt Harassed

By: Quinn Hatch

NEW YORK, NY—While resigning from his office due to allegations of sexual harassment, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo expressed embarrassment that the New York Attorney General’s office was only able to find 11 women that felt harassed, a number he insisted is much higher. 

During a Zoom press conference from Albany, Cuomo was quick to offer his response to the NYAG’s findings. “Clearly this investigation wasn’t handled well at all,” Cuomo shouted, while foam gathered on the sides of his mouth. “I worked too damn hard everyday to only get credit for harassing 11 women! People, my harassment number hit 11 women my first week here.”

As the press conference continued, New York’s almost impeached governor offered insight to his motivation for sharing this not surprising, but yet also horrifying news. “Everyone has a talent. For some, it’s knitting… For me, it’s making women feel like a piece of meat, while in a professional setting.” It was at this time, Cuomo appeared to get emotional as he wiped tears from his eyes. “I didn’t ask for this gift, but it’s the only one I have. I mean, would you ask Picasso to stop painting, or Woody Allen to stop making movies?”

To put an end to this political dumpster fire, Cuomo parted on a sober tone as he turned straight to the camera in order to speak directly to his constituents. The only New York governor that could be confused with an Illinois governor said, “I want to be clear with everyone here. I am so grateful we’re talking about this, and not the old people I killed with my COVID policy. God Bless!”