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Food/Drink/Health/Local/Politics

Pelosi Urges Caution In Removing Writhing Squid Meat From Charcuterie Spread

By: Simon Tessmer WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is urging caution to those in her brunch party eager to initiate removal proceedings against the pile of writhing squid meat slithering all over their charcuterie spread. Though the historic nature of the squid meat’s abuses of stomach health have long been public to La Jambe’s other customers, Pelosi fears attempting to oust the glistening mound of twitching tentacles may backfire during later courses. Those seated to Pelosi’s left are making the most impassioned arguments for scraping the viscous sea-legs off their now slippery shared plate of meats and cheeses.… … Keep Reading

Entertainment/Local/Politics

Opinion: Beto Is Better For Texas. Take It From Me, A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-Rays

By: A Guy Who Hasn’t Watched That Many Blu-rays FORT WORTH, TX—For seven months now, I’ve been following the surging candidacy of Beto O’Rourke in the 2018 Texas Senate Race. What a ride. After talking to family, friends and neighbors, most of whom typically vote Republican, I now believe Beto to be the better candidate. Take it from me, a tried and true Longhorn conservative who hasn’t watched many films on Blu-ray. As someone who had a friend’s Netflix password early on, I began to consider moving on from Ted Cruz and the GOP. I didn’t think America should be… … Keep Reading

Politics/Social

‘My Life is Ruined’ Says Man Promoted To Highest Court Of The Land

By: Steve Plock Washington, D.C.—The Senate Judiciary Committee’s special hearing on the sexual assault claims of Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was a rigorous day full of painful recollections, intense questioning, and privileged white male tears. Ford’s testimony was a brave and powerful act of patriotism, likely to empower women of all ages to deal with their own issues of daily abuse and assault more adeptly. However, it was Kavanaugh’s opening statement that likely forced Americans to reckon with consequences that come with accusing a rich, privileged white man of his past crimes. “My life is… … Keep Reading

Local/Politics/Science

Cute Talking Raccoon Only Talks About Libertarian Party

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Get ready to wet your pants with excitement! There’s a talking Raccoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo!  The animal, affectionately named “Zippo”, has been dishing out smiles and wonder to visitors every day since his arrival two weeks ago. People just can’t seem to get enough of his cute furry face, his cute fuzzy tale, and his cute endorsement of the Libertarian Party! Zippo has only been here less than a month, but he’s already become one of the most popular attractions at the Lincoln Park Zoo. “He’s so adorable,” says Abigail, age 10. “He loves… … Keep Reading

Local/Politics/Social

Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who… … Keep Reading

Local/Politics

Man Afraid Country Becoming Sharia Law Police State Content With Current Christian Law Police State

By: Maximilian Stolte LAFAYETTE, LA—America and Europe’s white and Christian populations have become increasingly emboldened to physically and verbally attack Muslim minorities in their countries. A flyer passed around the UK titled “Punish A Muslim Day” may be the most blatant example of the intolerance toward people of the Muslim faith. One reason cited, and one that really resonates with local pipe fitter Bubba Thompson, is the fear that their country’s current Christian law police state will be replaced with a Sharia law police state. “We live in a country that makes laws based on the religion that I believe… … Keep Reading

Politics

Luigi’s Bulge Is Now The Democratic Candidate For State Treasurer Of Illinois

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL — The Illinois Primaries were yesterday, and as expected there were several upsets. Incumbent Governor and walking “I’m not racist, but…” comment Bruce Rauner won the Republican nomination, and millionaire man-baby JB Pritzker won the same for the Democrats.  However, possibly the greatest upset of the evening came from the hugely successful write-in campaign that resulted in Luigi’s Bulge becoming the democratic nominee for Treasurer of the State of Illinois. The write-ins unseated incumbent Treasurer, democrat and Vampiric socialite Michael Frerichs, meaning that the economic and financial future of the State of Illinois could be… … Keep Reading

Politics

They Taught This Whale To Talk And Now It’s Running For President Of The United States

By: Steve Plock Social media was abuzz this week with news that Wikie, a 15 year old Orca Whale, has learned to imitate human speech and actually speak words. But Wikie didn’t stop there, shortly after the news was announced of Wikie’s amazing ability, Wikie held a press conference announcing his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with comments from Americans who were absolutely thrilled with the prospect of an orca whale becoming the President of the United States, a first for the country. As of this report, Wikie can only say “hello”,… … Keep Reading

Politics

If This Was 1977, Americans Wouldn’t Have Been Progressive Enough To Almost Elect A Pedophile For The Senate

By: Jason Elewski Last night was a huge win for pedophiles across the nation. Doug Jones may have taken the Alabama senate seat, but a more important symbolic victory was claimed when celebrity pedophile, Roy Moore, swept up 48.4 percent of the votes from Alabama residents. This marks the first time in American history that a publicly out pedophile nearly won a senate election. Considering the nation’s conservative past, there’s no way that could have happened 40 years ago. People everywhere celebrated by cracking open bottles of champagne and asking children if they would like a sip. At least SOME… … Keep Reading

Business/Politics/Social

Millennials Are Literally Killing Baby Boomers: A Look Inside Elderly Death Camps

8/14/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte First it was the housing market, then malls, then fill in the blank market that millennials left in the bloody wake of their anti-corporation agenda. Holding none of the greatest generation’s values dear, these arrogant hipsters believe they are the future and baby boomers are a terrible relic from an ignorant era. It comes as no surprise that these flannel wearing scumbags have built death camps for the elderly and are extinguishing their lives. “The baby boomers are responsible for all of the problems plaguing our generation,” Gabe Townsend told reporters outside the fences that keep… … Keep Reading

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