Inspiring! Joe Rogan Receives Honorary GED
By: Quinn Hatch
MESA, AZ—“Comedian” and high-functioning drug addict Joe Rogan has been called many things, but thanks to The Mesa Community Learning Annex you can now call him one more thing, “Technically a High School Graduate.” Elon Musk’s BFF received this honorary degree Wednesday afternoon, in Conference Room 4 of the LaQuinta Inn on Grace Avenue. Rogan’s ceremony was featured during the learning annex’s annual shareholders meeting (held in lieu of a graduation) as the school has yet to produce a conventional alumni. According to eyewitness accounts, as many as 10 people clapped as the guest of honor was presented with a freshly laminated diploma, as well as a $25 Dave and Buster’s Power Card.
“We really wanted a no-brainer, and you just can’t get more no-brainer than Joe Rogan,” said Mesa Community Learning Annex President, David Boyle during his barely office-appropriate speech. “All you have to do is listen to this man talk for less than two minutes, and you just know he’s MCLA material.” Rubbing his nipples, Boyle added, “Not just anyone can make a career out of daring people to eat rancid food, only to turn around and start bullying people for not smoking pot. That’s the type of people we want to represent our center of basic learning.”
For many, the climax of the afternoon came when Rogan was finally given the floor. “Anyone see this article about soy milk giving dudes breasts?” Rogan said as he lit a marijuana cigarette, while laughing like a 2nd year freshman. “Can we get the article on the monitors?… Yeah… I don’t know anything about it, I just wanted you to see.”
Representatives for Joe Rogan were contacted on behalf of this story, but declined to comment. They did, however, provide this publication with a free trial for Stamps.com.