If Climate Change Is Real, How Come My Aunt’s Friend Viv Moved To Phoenix In The Hottest Part Of Summer?
By: Bert Grumbles
They wanted to put this in the Opinion section, but since I made the headline a question it’s investigative journalism. I’m Bert, your average human in every conceivable way but one: my ability to sniff out the truth even when it’s so gross the smell makes me vomit, like someone suffering from heatstroke. That’s what we in the biz call a perfect segue. So perfect in fact, that even my interruption to point how good of a segue is was will not stop that previous idea from seamlessly tying into the topic at hand: GLOBAL WARMING.
First off, let’s cool it on all that. Originally they called it global warming, but warm is an awesome temperature. It’s probably the most preferred temperature of our generation. Well, then the libcucks started calling it climate change. I got news for you dicks for brains, change can be good too. Like when I changed protein shakes and was able to lift way more and recover way faster. Semantics aside, let’s get to the smoking gun of this whole climate change hoax. My aunt’s friend Viv moved to Arizona in the middle of August.
Viv is an old woman who lived next door to my aunt for over 30 years in Milwaukee, which has pretty nice weather. If the temperatures are getting so hot, how on earth could an elderly woman move somewhere that has been hot for centuries? I know Viv and she runs hot. Every blanket she knits she donates. If she can move to Phoenix of all places, then it’s time we all admit that this climate nonsense has gotten out of control.
Not only did she make the choice to retire in Phoenix, she moved each and every box out of the U-Haul by herself. I know because I watched her do it. Some have asked me why I didn’t lift a finger to help her and to that I say, “I am a journalist.” That photographer didn’t help that starving girl and nobody on Animal Planet warns those gazelle that a lion is coming. This is exactly like that. She only experienced what she calls “the vapors” several times and fell once. It was hard not to laugh.
Case closed, climate change is just more liberal propaganda that aims to at best keep people from moving to thriving desert communities like Phoenix so they can have them all to themselves. At worst it will change the way industry operates the world over, making it much more difficult to make a buck. Fuck that. Exxon rules, plants and animals drools.