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Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

in Local/Politics/Social by

By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who…

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Firefighters Call For Body Positive Calendar

in Health/Local/Social by

By: Josie Benedetti NEW YORK, NY—Firefighters across the country are on strike this week calling for a body positive calendar for the 2019/2020 calendar year. The nationwide strike has left city blocks burned to the ground, countless adorable kittens stuck helpless in nearby trees, and even talk of the wildly popular second Grey’s Anatomy spinoff “Station 19” in danger of not being brought back for a third season. Most disheartening of all is not the lack of identifiable bones from the piles which now line the streets but the lack of lady boners which have left piles of dry panties…

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Gyms, They’re Not Just For Rats Anymore

in Health/Lecherous Advice by

LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I don’t feel like a gym person, but I want to get in shape. What do I do?  –Very Aggressive Girl In No Arena Dear VAGINA: Like most people, I sit on my machine/bench/what-have-you, and try not to stare and judge all the others at the gym working out around me. But it’s hard. Just like at a casino, concert, farmer’s market, or used car lot; you just can’t help but stare at the other freaks who also think this is the right time to get into it and come to a place like this. The difference…

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What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

in Science/Social by

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and…

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Identity Thief With Heart Of Gold Pays Debt, Gets Promotion, Brings Wife To Orgasm For Victim

in Local/Social by

By: Maximilian Stolte CHICAGO, IL—Local stock broker Jeff Martins fell victim to identity theft two months ago after entering his credit card information into an online subscription service that was nothing if not suspect. As a wealthy man who keeps track of his personal spending, he has admittedly never kept regular tabs on his personal finances. His identity was stolen by a man who police have identified as Paul Parker, a career swindler with a heart of gold. Perhaps in filling his philanthropy quota, Parker did Martins a solid and significantly improved his life through identity theft. After obtaining his…

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Logan Square Artist Explodes After Failing To Mention Gallery Every Ten Minutes

in Entertainment/Local/Social by

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL—Tragedy descended upon Logan Square today as local artist, Robrick Lovebridge, burst into a cloud of pink mist after going more than ten minutes without mentioning his latest art gallery. Lovebridge, born Krendall Flerbidge, is a self-proclaimed “master performance artist” who recently opened a performance art gallery in the empty guest room of his friend’s apartment above a coffee aerosol bar. The gallery, titled “Wander-ful Strife” featured Lovebridge brushing his teeth with a buck knife while humming the South African National Anthem, with his roommate eating popcorn from a trash bag. Since opening the gallery one…

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Hot Singles In Your Area Cease Ineffective Ad Campaign

in Business/Local/Social by

By: Zack Peercy YOUR AREA, USA—You’ve seen it in the top right corner of your browser while you watch “Step Sis Catches You Watching Porn”. It’s popped up after you’ve skipped around “Gaping Anal Compilation”. You may have even noticed it in your youth while playing “Sailor Moon Dress Up Flash Game” on Newgrounds.com. It’s the Hot Singles In Your Area ad campaign, and soon you won’t be able to see it pop up ever again. It’s a sad day for the internet, but even more sad for real local singles who wanted nothing more than to meet you and…

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Takin’ It To The Streets: Gentrification [VIDEO]

in Local/Social/Takin' It To The Streets/Video by

Gentrification is happening all around you and you might not even know it! Sandy Waters gets the scoop on the street, right next to the new Whole Foods and Apple store!

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One Member Of Frisbee Group Clearly Doesn’t Do This Much

in Local/Social/Sports by

By: Maximilian Stolte San Fransisco, CA—Warm weather means outdoor activities are back for the summer and everyone is putting their skills on display for the public. At parks everywhere across America, amateur athletes and hobbyists are kicking balls, flying kites, and tossing frisbees with limited hand eye coordination. You certainly won’t see them on ESPN, but if you were at Golden Gate Park yesterday you saw the perfect storm of peer pressure and poor effort. Around 3PM a group of five millennials picked a nice patch of grass to throw and catch a disc with each other. At first it…

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The Grass Is Always Greener, But What If You Don’t Like Grass?

in Lecherous Advice by

LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech, Is the grass always greener on the other side? –Allergic2Grass  As you drive around whatever town you’re living in currently, I assume you look around and overall try to find the interesting parts of the area, right? This is my way of going around that pesky question of am I a pessimist or optimist? As long as I look for what sticks out in my world, something that I haven’t quite seen before, the path that my stone is rolling on will accumulate all this muck and turn itself into a tyranasourus rex sized testicle of…

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