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Tamagotchi Introduces New Digital Pets That Comprehend Death

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By: Daniel Wightkin EL SEGUNDO, CA—Calling it a revolution for the digital pet simulation genre, Bandai America announced Tuesday that their new Tamagotchi game features pets that comprehend the concept of death. “From the day they hatch, these adorable Tamagotchi are completely cognizant of their mortality and the fact that life is fleeting. This opens up many exciting new gameplay elements, with players helping their pet grapple with their temporary digital existence,” said Bandai in a press release. Developers boast that this version keeps the traditional happiness and hunger status bars while adding an anxiety bar that, if not kept…

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Guy With Quarter-Jewish Ancestry Too Comfortable Making Holocaust Jokes

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—In a drastic misjudgment of the cultural leniency afforded by his slim quarter-Jewish heritage, Wicker Park resident, Anthony Becker, frequently jokes about the Holocaust. Becker has never actively practiced Judaism, and has attended only half of one friend’s bar mitzvah, yet he considers edgy references to World War II his way of connecting to his family’s past. “I’ll never forget the first time my father mentioned that my grandmother fled Nazi Germany with her family when she was three years old,” said 22 year-old Becker. “From then on I knew I had to honor my lineage…

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Facebook Promises More Options For Interested Warmongers

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By: Zachary Hacker MENLO PARK, CA—Today at a Facebook shareholders meeting, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced new features to optimize the platform’s outreach. They have heard the cries of warmongers and extremists around the world, each one begging for ease of service and more support for their message. Facebook showcased three new features and promised, “We are here to help.” The first feature discussed was a way to streamline exactly what your [warmongers] target audience sees. Zuckerberg says that for genocidal maniacs to get the most out of their manifesto, you can take down those posts that offer alternative facts to…

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Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

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Notorious Rascal Pete Davidson Simultaneously Dating Every SNL Cast Member

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By: Simon Tessmer NEW YORK– Saturday Night Live actor and comedian Pete Davidson, famous for dating mega celebrities and crossing boundaries with his comedy, is romantically involved with every current SNL cast member simultaneously. After ending his engagement with Ariana Grande and being spotted around New York City with Kate Beckinsale, for Davidson dating all his coworkers at the same time was very much, “the next logical step.” “I don’t know what to tell you man, they’re all super hot and obviously hilarious,” said Davidson in the Comedy Cellar green room. “Things started getting frisky between me and Beck, Kenan…

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Dude Smoking CBD Vape Only Slightly Chill As Fuck

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By: Maximilian Stolte LOS ANGELES, CA—Around 4PM today, in an alley outside of Greener Pastures Dispensary, record store sales associate and pretty chill dude, Cam Porter was seen ripping a CBD vape pen and blowing out quite the cloud. Passersby took note of his calm and cool demeanor, as well as his Radiohead shirt which led most to believe that he’s probably pretty cool, but not necessarily chill as fuck. Porter enjoyed the medicinal benefits of CBD such as reduced anxiety and relieved wrist pain from his record spinning related carpal tunnel without any of the psychoactive properties of marijuana…

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Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

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By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.…

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Winter Storm Just A Metaphor For Local Woman’s Love Life

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By: Allie Rubin CHICAGO, IL—Scientists reported Wednesday that the abnormally cold temperatures recently recorded in Chicago are likely just a metaphor for the love life of local hairdresser Julia Rossi, 29. The severe winter weather, which was previously believed to have been an indirect result of global warming, is now interpreted to have resulted from Rossi’s recent breakup with the handsome yet commitment-phobic architect Benjamin Chase, 30. “While some may be tempted to attribute these historically unprecedented temperatures of less than -20°F to the effects of man-made global warming, we instead opt for a simpler explanation,” stated climate scientist Dr.…

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Shattering The Glass Floor: This Woman Is Acting Like A Creepy Douche

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By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—Early this morning, in a brave defiance of gender norms, local woman Anne Washington started her day with one goal in mind: to be a creepy, degenerate asshole to every guy she came in contact with. Starting as early as her morning commute, her awkward advances towards strangers with strong sexual undertones earned her grade A pervert status amongst her peers. Once on the train, passengers reported her leering at men’s crotches and backsides and saying obscenities that only a real sicko sex freak could conjure up. A local man, who wished to remain anonymous, reported…

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Helpful Tips To Avoid Brendan Fraser In 2019

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser. Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed.…

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