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Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

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Notorious Rascal Pete Davidson Simultaneously Dating Every SNL Cast Member

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By: Simon Tessmer NEW YORK– Saturday Night Live actor and comedian Pete Davidson, famous for dating mega celebrities and crossing boundaries with his comedy, is romantically involved with every current SNL cast member simultaneously. After ending his engagement with Ariana Grande and being spotted around New York City with Kate Beckinsale, for Davidson dating all his coworkers at the same time was very much, “the next logical step.” “I don’t know what to tell you man, they’re all super hot and obviously hilarious,” said Davidson in the Comedy Cellar green room. “Things started getting frisky between me and Beck, Kenan…

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Dude Smoking CBD Vape Only Slightly Chill As Fuck

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By: Maximilian Stolte LOS ANGELES, CA—Around 4PM today, in an alley outside of Greener Pastures Dispensary, record store sales associate and pretty chill dude, Cam Porter was seen ripping a CBD vape pen and blowing out quite the cloud. Passersby took note of his calm and cool demeanor, as well as his Radiohead shirt which led most to believe that he’s probably pretty cool, but not necessarily chill as fuck. Porter enjoyed the medicinal benefits of CBD such as reduced anxiety and relieved wrist pain from his record spinning related carpal tunnel without any of the psychoactive properties of marijuana…

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Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

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By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.…

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Winter Storm Just A Metaphor For Local Woman’s Love Life

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By: Allie Rubin CHICAGO, IL—Scientists reported Wednesday that the abnormally cold temperatures recently recorded in Chicago are likely just a metaphor for the love life of local hairdresser Julia Rossi, 29. The severe winter weather, which was previously believed to have been an indirect result of global warming, is now interpreted to have resulted from Rossi’s recent breakup with the handsome yet commitment-phobic architect Benjamin Chase, 30. “While some may be tempted to attribute these historically unprecedented temperatures of less than -20°F to the effects of man-made global warming, we instead opt for a simpler explanation,” stated climate scientist Dr.…

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Shattering The Glass Floor: This Woman Is Acting Like A Creepy Douche

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By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—Early this morning, in a brave defiance of gender norms, local woman Anne Washington started her day with one goal in mind: to be a creepy, degenerate asshole to every guy she came in contact with. Starting as early as her morning commute, her awkward advances towards strangers with strong sexual undertones earned her grade A pervert status amongst her peers. Once on the train, passengers reported her leering at men’s crotches and backsides and saying obscenities that only a real sicko sex freak could conjure up. A local man, who wished to remain anonymous, reported…

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Helpful Tips To Avoid Brendan Fraser In 2019

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By: Ross Childs HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser. Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed.…

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Some Guy Just Walked In And Yelled “It’s Cold Out There” To No One In Particular

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By: Mike Anichini CHICAGO, IL—Last Friday at Hordy’s Pub in the Avondale neighborhood of Chicago, a boisterous crowd was reportedly riding a surge of good vibes and rising camaraderie. Cozy friends were singing in swaying circles, and with rounds of eggnog and shots flying, staff and patron alike were having a special experience they’d potentially remember forever. That’s when it happened. “This guy in a huge parka burst through the door and yelled, ‘It’s cold out there!’” said Bron Hanson, owner of Hordy’s Pub. “It was weird because he was alone and wasn’t looking at anyone when he said it.…

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Sad Sack On Bus Reading Actual Newspaper Like It’s 1922 Or Some Shit

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By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—Half-questioning if he had just seen some sort of time-traveling Great Gatsby situation, downtown resident Chris Bora reportedly witnessed an old man riding the bus today who was reading an actual newspaper. A real, physical one. With ink on it and like cartoons ads and stuff. Like it’s 1922. “Wait, does he know that stuff happened yesterday?” asked an understandably confused Bora, adding, “there’s newer information literally in the palm of my hand right now, why is he looking at wrapping paper?” Bora then received a CNN notification about the Mueller investigation and exclaimed “See?…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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