Catholic School Dance Held Using CDC Guidelines, Room Kept For Jesus And Coronavirus
By: Maximilian Stolte
HOUSTON, TX—Students at Holy Trinity Catholic High School are one of the few class bodies in the country that are able to host their annual prom dance despite the coronavirus pandemic. Holy Trinity was allowed to open the doors based on their excellent track record of keeping students physically far enough to prevent the sin of lust. The CDC announced to the entire school via a Skype pep assembly that the amount of room the high school requires students to stand, 12 feet, is in accordance with their safety guidelines.
The prom will be themed “Revelation Now” and will be a mashup homage to the Vietnam War and the hopefully soon-to-come rapture according to valedictorian Tracy Tilwin. “If this is God’s will, then we hope it is done. If it’s not and God decides to give the vaccine to scientists, then I’ll probably still go to Villanova to study microbiology,” Tilwin, recently voted “Most Contagious” by her peers, told reporters.
“We decorated with fire and brimstone scented candles and actual open flames (thanks Mr. Wooderson!). Forcing us to stand far apart isn’t an unusual thing for our school. Let’s just hope Father McMillan stays away from Tommy for once,” Sarah Hallard, voted “Weakest Immune System” commented.
Hallard has reportedly had a crush on Tommy since sophomore year, but he is into Maggie who is dating Mark. “Everyone knows Maggie and Mark are going to different schools and long distance is never going to work, so they should split and let Tommy date Maggie or Tommy should just settle for Sarah,” according to sources close to Hallard.
There will now be two powerful invisible forces between each of the hormonal adolescents: Jesus and COVID-19. Sister Hazelwood addressed students at the virtual assembly saying, “We cannot see Jesus, yet we know he is mighty. Similarly we cannot see this virus, which is powerful as well. The virus however pales in comparison to Jesus who could bench press the bleachers with all of you on it if he wanted to.”
While nobody will be wearing masks, as the grace of God will keep them safe, sanitizer will be blessed by the priest and available for student use. Unfortunately, the pope has decided that gloves are an abomination unto God and, like penises, should remain uncovered by latex.
This dance is sure to be the social distancing event of the season!