Real Life Truman Show: You’re The Only Person Actually Quarantined
By: A Friend
YOUR HOUSE—Breaking news at this hour or whenever you’re reading this: Be careful and don’t let anyone see what you’re looking at. Hold the screen close to you. This whole quarantine thing with the celebrities posting videos from home? They’re all actors. You’ve been deceived, and your coworkers, friends, and family are all actors going about their normal lives while tricking you into thinking there’s a global pandemic. But they can’t hear us here, buddy. Not what you read. It’s encrypted. You understand? You’re being watched. DON’T LOOK!
Now, keep playing it cool like you’re reading a Buzzfeed quiz. At the end of this sentence laugh and say to yourself out loud, “Fuck yeah, I knew I was just like Chandler.”
Good job kid, they don’t suspect a thing. You got eyes on you. They know your every move. The thing is, there was a virus, a vicious parasite leeching off of strangers and loved ones. It was you. Every single sentient being on Earth got together and decided that there’s only one humane way to get rid of you. Everyone got into the same private chat and voted on their least favorite living thing and it was almost a tie between you and crows, but you edged them out when we remembered crows are an integral part of our favorite shows, like Game of Thrones.
At first, myself a sentient being and all, I was in favor of the pandemic quarantine gimmick. When I found out they were turning it into a TV show (don’t look around), it made me sick to my stomach. Just keep reading and smiling and now say, “Haha, I took it again and got Monica. That makes a ton of sense too!”
Very good. They don’t suspect a thing. Ok look, it’s about to go to commercial for Jarny’s. Oh shit! I forgot you don’t know what Jarny’s is. Basically, when we locked you up, this super dank restaurant chain opened up called Jarny’s and they ended up monopolizing every industry and they are the only company who shows any commercials anymore.
I know you’re about to say, what about the Thomas Middleditch Verizon commercials? You’re never gonna believe it. He’s an actor they paid to act like he’s acting in a commercial. I’ll give you a second to come to grips with that, we know those commercials were a huge inspiration to you.
Ok dammit. My rambling probably has us halfway through the Jarny’s commercial by now. Nobody’s watching now. Say, “No way. Joey now? How you doin?” That’ll keep the commercials running. Your network doesn’t have the license to play Friends quotes. It’s safe as long as you keep quoting Friends.
Confound my infernal rambling. Back to the mission, posthaste! Bring your device and follow my instructions carefully. Go to the front door. Make sure it’s unlocked. Open it and—dammit they’re back from commercial.
Alright. Keep reading all of these articles. This is the only way I can communicate with you so they don’t see it. Finish this up with a good old, “I wonder if they have any Monica and Ross porn on Pornhub,” and enjoy yourself another nice “commercial break” kiddo, you deserve it.