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Some Guy Just Walked In And Yelled “It’s Cold Out There” To No One In Particular

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By: Mike Anichini CHICAGO, IL—Last Friday at Hordy’s Pub in the Avondale neighborhood of Chicago, a boisterous crowd was reportedly riding a surge of good vibes and rising camaraderie. Cozy friends were singing in swaying circles, and with rounds of eggnog and shots flying, staff and patron alike were having a special experience they’d potentially remember forever. That’s when it happened. “This guy in a huge parka burst through the door and yelled, ‘It’s cold out there!’” said Bron Hanson, owner of Hordy’s Pub. “It was weird because he was alone and wasn’t looking at anyone when he said it.…

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Sad Sack On Bus Reading Actual Newspaper Like It’s 1922 Or Some Shit

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By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—Half-questioning if he had just seen some sort of time-traveling Great Gatsby situation, downtown resident Chris Bora reportedly witnessed an old man riding the bus today who was reading an actual newspaper. A real, physical one. With ink on it and like cartoons ads and stuff. Like it’s 1922. “Wait, does he know that stuff happened yesterday?” asked an understandably confused Bora, adding, “there’s newer information literally in the palm of my hand right now, why is he looking at wrapping paper?” Bora then received a CNN notification about the Mueller investigation and exclaimed “See?…

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Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

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By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

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Brave Pedestrian Trio Stays Side by Side Despite Passerby

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—On N Western Avenue today near Welles Park in the Lincoln Square area of Northern Chicago, three brave friends, deep in positive discussion of recent Hollywood blockbuster Venom, refused to break formation for a fellow pedestrian coming in the opposite direction. The unknown intruder was forced off the sidewalk and into the busy street to get around the group. Not since Rosa Parks’s iconic refusal to give up her seat has such a powerful statement of human rights been made. The three men, Matt C., Jordan, and Matt F., were happy with, but not surprised by,…

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Aliens, Yup, I’m Probably One Of Them

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LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I’m worried that I may not belong on this planet. Will I ever fit in? –Alone Living In Essentially Nothingness Dear ALIEN: I’ve spent much of my life, from elementary school days, looking and wondering what else is there to this world. Magic, Alchemy, Physics, Telepathy, and you betcha Aliens from other planets. And why the hell not? No fool should believe we are all alone completely in this universe if one believes in statistical universal evolution. If you’re a believer in God, then maybe you answer this as we truly were and are special and only a…

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Stay Informed Without Uncle Sam Gettin’ Wise

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By: Ross Childs NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, USA — Congratulations, you finally did it! You cut up your driver’s license, burned your social security card, and grew a cabin-in-the-deep-woods beard – you’re finally ready for life OFF THE GRID! No longer will the government have its filthy, conniving, tax-soaked tentacles all wrapped up in every aspect of your life like the Hentai Porn you enjoy so very secretly. But in this day and age, information is power, and you want to stay informed – hell, you NEED to stay informed. How else do you stay ahead of the black…

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‘My Life is Ruined’ Says Man Promoted To Highest Court Of The Land

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By: Steve Plock Washington, D.C.—The Senate Judiciary Committee’s special hearing on the sexual assault claims of Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was a rigorous day full of painful recollections, intense questioning, and privileged white male tears. Ford’s testimony was a brave and powerful act of patriotism, likely to empower women of all ages to deal with their own issues of daily abuse and assault more adeptly. However, it was Kavanaugh’s opening statement that likely forced Americans to reckon with consequences that come with accusing a rich, privileged white man of his past crimes. “My life is…

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Fraternity Hazing Includes Hanging Out With Desmond

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By: Jack Hutsey LAWRENCE, KS The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for. “Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg…

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Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

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By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.…

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