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Brave Pedestrian Trio Stays Side by Side Despite Passerby

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By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—On N Western Avenue today near Welles Park in the Lincoln Square area of Northern Chicago, three brave friends, deep in positive discussion of recent Hollywood blockbuster Venom, refused to break formation for a fellow pedestrian coming in the opposite direction. The unknown intruder was forced off the sidewalk and into the busy street to get around the group. Not since Rosa Parks’s iconic refusal to give up her seat has such a powerful statement of human rights been made. The three men, Matt C., Jordan, and Matt F., were happy with, but not surprised by,…

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Aliens, Yup, I’m Probably One Of Them

in Lecherous Advice by

LECHEROUS ADVICE Dear Lech: I’m worried that I may not belong on this planet. Will I ever fit in? –Alone Living In Essentially Nothingness Dear ALIEN: I’ve spent much of my life, from elementary school days, looking and wondering what else is there to this world. Magic, Alchemy, Physics, Telepathy, and you betcha Aliens from other planets. And why the hell not? No fool should believe we are all alone completely in this universe if one believes in statistical universal evolution. If you’re a believer in God, then maybe you answer this as we truly were and are special and only a…

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Is He THE “The One”? [QUIZ]

in Holiday/Quizzes/Social by

[quiz-cat id=”53545″]

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Stay Informed Without Uncle Sam Gettin’ Wise

in Local/Science/Social by

By: Ross Childs NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, USA — Congratulations, you finally did it! You cut up your driver’s license, burned your social security card, and grew a cabin-in-the-deep-woods beard – you’re finally ready for life OFF THE GRID! No longer will the government have its filthy, conniving, tax-soaked tentacles all wrapped up in every aspect of your life like the Hentai Porn you enjoy so very secretly. But in this day and age, information is power, and you want to stay informed – hell, you NEED to stay informed. How else do you stay ahead of the black…

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‘My Life is Ruined’ Says Man Promoted To Highest Court Of The Land

in Politics/Social by

By: Steve Plock Washington, D.C.—The Senate Judiciary Committee’s special hearing on the sexual assault claims of Dr. Christine Blasey-Ford against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was a rigorous day full of painful recollections, intense questioning, and privileged white male tears. Ford’s testimony was a brave and powerful act of patriotism, likely to empower women of all ages to deal with their own issues of daily abuse and assault more adeptly. However, it was Kavanaugh’s opening statement that likely forced Americans to reckon with consequences that come with accusing a rich, privileged white man of his past crimes. “My life is…

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Fraternity Hazing Includes Hanging Out With Desmond

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By: Jack Hutsey LAWRENCE, KS The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for. “Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg…

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Report: 81% Of Handjobs Unenthusiastic

in Science/Social by

By: Jack Hutsey Cleveland, OH—Bored while getting cranked off? Bored while cranking someone off? You’re not alone. Just ask Dr. Ava Messerthal of Cleveland’s Institute of Blasting Rope, Paddling the Pink Canoe, and All-Around Self-Care, the world’s foremost masturbation research center. “Chances are, if you’ve given or received a handy jay in the past six years, you’ve been very unsatisfied,” Messerthal said, disappointed. “It’s a real shame. This country’s sexual revolution was built on handstuff at drive-in movies. It’s like being bored with the Bill of Rights.” Of the 500 participants surveyed, 405 reported their most recent tugboating was lukewarm.…

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Youths On Mission Trip Help African Village, Forget To Plug Christ

in Health/Social by

By: Maxmilian Stolte BOLGATANGA, GHANA— After helping to provide clean water and food to impoverished villagers and build a school, a youth group of Texas missionaries from St. Joseph’s Church in Bryan, TX made the unforgivable mistake of going on their way without mentioning Jesus whatsoever. While their efforts and cultural influence will not be forgotten by the locals, the salvation of Jesus Christ will not be enjoyed by those who reaped the rewards of good deeds in His holy name. Taylor Robbins, 17, said she didn’t realize the error until they were at the airport. “I felt a great…

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If You Click This, You’re A Goddamn Idiot

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Wow. You actually clicked this. You really are an idiot. You must enjoy being such a goddamn idiot, because you were even warned that you would be classified as a genuine stupid fucking idiot upon clicking this. What a dumb idiot.

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Man Desperately Searching For Life Lesson That Will End Body Swap With Henry Kissinger

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By: Allie Rubin NEW YORK, NY– Famed former Secretary of State and geopolitical expert Henry Kissinger, 95, stunned reporters at a recent press conference by announcing that he had swapped bodies with Manhattan dentist Dr. Henry Richardson, 49, and was desperately trying to determine how to return to his own body. “Please – somebody has to call my wife. She doesn’t believe me,” Richardson croaked in the distinctive German accent of the architect of Cold War diplomacy. “Why is this happening?” Richardson expressed confusion as to why his consciousness had been transported into the corporeal form of the man who…

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