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Coca-Cola Sales Skyrocket in the Midst of Its ‘Not Being Pepsi’ Campaign

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4/6/2017 By: Jason Elewski In a country strongly divided between red and blue, it appears a clear champion has finally prevailed in the age-old Pepsi challenge, and it might not be who you think. Today, the Coca-Cola Company launched its “Not Being Pepsi” campaign, effectively uniting our once fragmentary nation behind a single beloved soda pop. By ingeniously not being Pepsi, Coca-Cola has provoked Americans from all walks of life to take to social media in order to declare their love for the brown carbonated beverage that isn’t Pepsi. Coca-Cola spokesperson, Sally Vanderschmidt, issued a statement today, announcing that Coke…

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All Lives Matter Man Buys Surplus Of Pepsi In Support Of New Commercial

in Business/Celebrity/Social by

4/6/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte The internet is abuzz with the newest advertisement from Pepsi, in which Kendall Jenner gives a police officer at a protest a cold beverage and you can see with your own eyes as he becomes sympathetic to the protestors point of view. This ad has been heavily criticized on social media and the opposition to that opposition is fighting back! Pete Bierman, self-proclaimed frontman of the All Lives Matter movement, took action the only way one can in a capitalist society: his money. He bought 100 cases (3,000 cans) of Pepsi in support of the advertisement…

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Study Shows Average Person Swallows Whole Head Of Fast Food Employee Hair Each Year

in Business/Health by

3/30/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Fast food consumers have decreased their intake and started opting for healthier food on the go over the past decade. Thanks to a new study by food scientists at Columbia University, that number may drop even more. Their shocking new study shows that the average fast food customer swallows 100,000 fast food employee hairs every year; that’s an entire human head’s worth of hair! Let’s break down the statistics here for our mathematically challenged readers. This is the average fast food eater. If you primarily cook at home or eat at sit down restaurants, this statistic…

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Students and Employees Protest President’s Day, Go to School and Work Anyways

in Business/Holiday/Local/Politics by

2/20/2017 This President’s Day was unlike the holiday in past years in many ways. Most notably, the extremely low approval rating of the current president. President’s Day is a holiday where we not only remember presidents past, but honor our current president as well. Some workers and students who would normally enjoy the day off have decided to protest this year by going to work and school anyways. Marcia Tallbreath, a bank teller in Chicago, has been against Trump since he was nominated as the Republican candidate. “I was at the Women’s March and I will continue to protest this…

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Local Man Risks It All On Business Meeting Fart

in Business/Local by

2/9/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Earlier this morning, Alan Gardner went into work like he does every morning at Integrated Business Solutions. He had his morning coffee and cigarette, stopped by his cubicle to prepare for the big meeting, and headed to the board room eager to share his newest project. Except today he didn’t have time for one important part of his morning routine. “Normally I like to go hit the bathroom around 9:15 and let that early morning deuce drop faster than our earnings per share did this quarter. Today, I just didn’t have time to prepare for the…

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