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Build-A-Bear Workshop Raises Age Limits On Grenade-Stuffed Bears

in Business/Politics by

by Jason Elewski ST. LOUIS, MO—Starting today, Build-A-Bear workshops across the country will no longer sell their popular Boom Boom Bears to children under the age of 11. The decision comes  after other chains like Dick’s, Walmart, and Kroger have begun to restrict the sale of weapons to younger buyers, while TJ Maxx and TJX companies have discontinued sales of rocket launchers altogether. CEOs acted quick to make policy changes following the shooting at Columbine High School in 1999. The fully customizable bears will still include t-shirts, hats, scarves, shoes, pants, monkey hair, listening devices, razor blades, and real blood…

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Elon Musk Announces Plan To Launch Every Car Into Space By 2040

in Business/Celebrity/Science by

By: Huck Poe BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040. “We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success…

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New Uber Pool For Singles Lets Users Speed Date On Their Commute

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By: Maximilian Stolte NEW YORK, NY—Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi announced this morning that Uber is rolling out a new rideshare option for users that will allow them to speed date on their morning commute. Uber Pool Singles let’s riders split fares with up to two other riders and get to know them intimately without worrying if their advances are unwanted or not. Responding to many complaints of uncomfortable and unwanted interactions with drivers and other passengers, Uber has decided to take the guess work out of the equation and put singles seeking romantic partners in the fast lane to finding…

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Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

in Business/Holiday/Social by

By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced. Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to…

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Good Samaritan! This Guy Didn’t Tip His Barista Until He Confirmed That She Was Watching

in Business/Local/Social by

By: Jason Elewski Score one for kind people everywhere! Most would agree that the best part of working in the service industry is the look of appreciation on a customer’s face. It also doesn’t hurt if a patron shows their gratitude with a little something-something from their pocketbook. Understanding the employee/customer dynamic all too well from his time working at a Quiznos for 3 months when he was 17-years old, local empath Sam Hemsworth managed to execute the dropping of a 1 dollar tip just as the barista’s gaze shifted back toward him. Some would call this fortunate timing, but…

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New Subaru Foresters Will Come Factory Installed With Coexist Sticker

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9/15/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte NEW YORK, NY—This week, Subaru CEO Tomomi Nakamura announced what he described as “a revolutionary and progressive new addition” to the Subaru Forester. Coloradans from Boulder to Fort Collins can rejoice in saving the time and money buying and sticking on bumper stickers that could be better spent buying some sticky icky and smoking said marijuana. For the foreseeable future, all Subaru Foresters will come with factory installed “coexist” bumper stickers. “You drive a Subaru because you like the outdoors and you’re just environmentally and socially conscious as hell. It’s almost redundant even putting the bumper sticker…

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Mattel Releases Easy Bake Meth Lab

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8/24/2017 By: Jack Hutsey MODESTO, CA—Responding to an increased demand and a young, expanding market, Mattel began selling its brand new Easy Bake Meth Lab in toy stores across the country this week. The new toy line has, for lack of a better term, blown up in rural low-income communities nationwide. “There are piles of money to be made in this explosive, exploitable consumer demographic. Like shipping containers full of dirty cash. Scrooge McDuck status,” said Regional VP of Development Sandra Delano-Rosenblatt, as she was grinding her teeth and balancing fidget spinners on each finger. “Nothing is more hot right…

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Millennials Are Literally Killing Baby Boomers: A Look Inside Elderly Death Camps

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8/14/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte First it was the housing market, then malls, then fill in the blank market that millennials left in the bloody wake of their anti-corporation agenda. Holding none of the greatest generation’s values dear, these arrogant hipsters believe they are the future and baby boomers are a terrible relic from an ignorant era. It comes as no surprise that these flannel wearing scumbags have built death camps for the elderly and are extinguishing their lives. “The baby boomers are responsible for all of the problems plaguing our generation,” Gabe Townsend told reporters outside the fences that keep…

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