By: Allie Rubin
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community.
“It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.”
“If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded, “we could save thousands, if not millions, of lives.”
The advances that have been made in hand-drying technology have left cancer research in the dust, concurred Dr. Rachel Hudson of the CDC. “It’s starting to feel like every time you walk into a bathroom, there’s a new kind of hand dryer. By the time I got used to the super-powered ones that sound like fighter jets, they had started to install the kind where you put your hands in the slot thing and draw them out slowly.”
“Each of these advances is occuring so rapidly that by the time you adjust to the newest kind of hand dryer, a new one is already on the scene,” she lamented. “Much like how all of the cancer cells I’ve been studying have been able to rapidly adapt to every antibody I’ve thrown at them.”
The beleaguered cancer researchers further emphasized that access to just a few members of XLERATOR’s R&D team could help them reduce the suffering of millions of cancer patients, but their pleas have gone unheeded.
“We tried to reach out to see if anyone at Dyson would be willing to talk to us about ways to specifically target pancreatic cancer, but they blew us off. A month later, they had introduced the incredible Dyson Airblade, which allows you to wash and dry your hands all in one sink,” a disheveled Dr. Lapace confessed. “Who are the geniuses in this elite cabal of hand-drying wizards and for the love of God, why won’t they help us?”
The doctors’ concerns have been echoed by workers at other organizations, such as NASA. “Forget targeting Stanford grads,” said Terry Jones, head of Mission Control. “If I could just get some of those hand-drying engineers on my team… we’d all be living on Mars by 2020. The amount of talent being wasted to make hand dryers in this country is a goddamn national tragedy.”