By: Jack Ritchey
ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right now, and that the intern already went to class so he’s not answering his cell phone.
“As you can see, Andrews AFB has more than 20 full-size hangars, dozens of temporary storage facilities for aircraft repairs and refueling, and over seven million square feet of parking and runway space. So, maybe just keep an eye out for it? Did anybody look in the bathroom? It’s always the last place you look, right? Plus it’s invisible, so…” said Longenecker, as a staff member wandered around the empty space behind her pushing the “panic” button on the only set of keys.
This is not the first time a highly expensive but invisible piece of equipment has been lost at Andrews AFB in the past year. While clapping erasers in one of the hangars to see if the chalk-smoke formed around a wing of the missing stealth jet, First Airman Jeffrey Lucas recalled misplacing a stealth bomber last spring. “I was just like ‘oh boy, oh geez. Where did I put that thing’. It’s a very scary feeling. Plus I had an arm full of groceries, and I couldn’t remember if I had parked in Hangar 21-1A or Hangar 1-21A.” Lucas was disciplined after the incident when the bomber was eventually located having been left in a handicap spot.
However Sergeant Longenecker seemed more than optimistic the missing stealth jet would be found very soon. “Hey, if it doesn’t show up by tonight let’s call Wonder Woman!” joked the Sergeant. “Besides, we can always just ask Congress to buy another one. They love that shit.”