Facebook Promises More Options For Interested Warmongers

in Business/Politics/Social by

By: Zachary Hacker

MENLO PARK, CA—Today at a Facebook shareholders meeting, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced new features to optimize the platform’s outreach. They have heard the cries of warmongers and extremists around the world, each one begging for ease of service and more support for their message. Facebook showcased three new features and promised, “We are here to help.”

The first feature discussed was a way to streamline exactly what your [warmongers] target audience sees. Zuckerberg says that for genocidal maniacs to get the most out of their manifesto, you can take down those posts that offer alternative facts to your facts. The posts that the people see will only be yours, [warmongers] so you can greatly increase the likelihood of a genocidal uprising in your [warmongers] country. Zuckerberg added, “because Facebook understands that if they’re fighting each other they won’t come after you.”

Facebook feels they should have some credit for fake news spread by extremists throughout social media, and Zuckerberg believes they can do better. Zuckerberg announced in addition to taking down opposing posts, Facebook will be offering their own personal fake news algorithm for 2020 specifically designed to directly target misinformation to whomever you [extremists] choose. “If you want someone to vote against abortion,” says Zuckerberg, “now you can target those whom Facebook’s algorithm has determined to be pro-life and those who are pro-choice. Even those who have liked an image of their sister’s baby. Anyone who even saw a baby on their feed, they too can be targeted by your [extremists] message. All with a user-friendly interface.”

The biggest announcement for the evening was the integration of deep-fake-face replacement software into Facebook. Zuckerberg says, “you can now truly spread your fake news straight from the fake-trojan horse’s mouth. Why claim someone said something when you [warmongers and extremists] can just make them say it.” This was followed by a video of Obama telling Nancy Pelosi to put kids in cages, which was met with thunderous applause.

All these features and more will be available in Facebook’s new Deep-Facebook. Of course, none of this will be available without a hefty price, but if you’re the kind of warlord who really wants control this is the way to go.