By: Jason Elewski
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Chief strategist to President Trump, Steve Bannon, was discarded into the trash this past Friday after a staffer failed to put him back in the refrigerator. Bannon was taken out of the fridge earlier this week to speak with a reporter from The American Prospect to give the public a little taste of that sweet Bannon tang. Unfortunately for Steve (and everyone’s olfactory senses), the staffer responsible for Bannon’s freshness was fired before she could return her charge to his 40-degree sanctuary. By Thursday, staffers began to make stank faces as they passed Bannon’s office, not suspecting anything was out of the ordinary. As Friday morning rolled along, however, the putrid funk of Steve’s molding epidermis had become unbearable for the West Wing, only worsening Trump’s opinion of the low class conditions of the White House.
A tough decision had to be made.
White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, announced that the president and Bannon amicably decided to throw him in the trash bin of the White House Mess. Huckabee Sanders continued to explain that mere trash disposal couldn’t contain the combination of Bannon’s rotting stink and the colony of flies that laid claim to the majority of Steve’s body.
A turbulent White House had to band together.
Determined to solve this issue, a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament was held to determine who would risk their personal health to zip-tie the bag that contained Bannon and take him the the White House dumpster. After 3 grueling hours of hand play and debate, it was determined that whatever businessman that is occupying Anthony Sacarmucci’s old office would take the bag out while a White House intern followed him with a bottle of Febreze, spraying the trash bin and the airspace surrounding the bag’s path of removal. It was a sound plan that was promptly aborted when the businessman, fearing for his own safety, chucked the stinky bag out the window.