Mizzou Football Team Strikes For Maty Mauk

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Columbia, MO

Jan. 28, 2016

Taking to Twitter using #whitelinesmatter, the Mizzou football team has threatened to strike again unless Maty Mauk is cleared of all charges and the presidents of the university and these United States of America address the issue of cocaine reform. They are demanding it be legalized in all 50 states immediately.

The Mizzou Tigers realized the power they held in the fall of 2015 when a strike led to the resignation of University of Missouri Systems President Timothy Wolfe. The team is using its protesting power this time as a catalyst for major nationwide drug reform.

The offensive and defensive line is sitting the sidelines until white lines are legal. They aren’t playing the Florida Gators again until they can do gator tails on the weekends without losing their spot on the team. You won’t hear fans screaming “Yay!” until our country allows its citizens to snort yay all day. Until Columbia, MO resembles Colombia the country, in terms of the amount of cocaine located within its borders, the Tigers will not be playing football.

Mauk is a college athlete who essentially does what a professional football player does, except instead of making millions, he’s making nothing. The fact that he can even afford cocaine is astounding. In his defense, Mauk told reporters, “I was getting it out of my system now so that when I make millions in the NFL I won’t blow all my money on the stuff. I was told there was a time and a place for everything and it was college. [At this point Mauk pauses to take a key bump] Apparently cocaine isn’t on the list of EVERYTHING. Plus it’s not even like I raped anyone like so many former Mizzou athletes have. I just don’t get it”.