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Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.…

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Presidential Portrait Restorer Loses Soul Staring Into Eyes Of William McKinley

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By: Jack Ritchey WASHINGTON D.C.— Since 1910 the ghastly visage of former President William McKinley has loomed ominously over the third floor of the Library of Congress in Washington DC. While he was alive, McKinley was so feared for his tyrannical and unholy leadership, like maintaining the gold standard and supporting the “Dingley Tariff”, that he had to be murdered by an anarchist, and his tortured spector was forever entombed inside his official portrait as a means of protecting humanity from his unyielding terror. Tour groups are forbidden from passing by and employees of the Library are under strict guidelines…

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Early Cave Drawing Heroes

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LECHEROUS ADVICE By: Lech Czerwinski I’m a bit of a class clown, but it’s starting to hurt my grades. Is it worth it? -SmileyFaceEmoji So I was watching a documentary recently about the earliest known cave paintings found somewhere in France. As I sat in wonder about what kind of artists could have had the ability to paint such beautiful drawings that were showing the beginnings of animation, a question postulated in mi cabeza. Who/What/Where were the first jokesters of early man, and why weren’t we supporting this crazy bastard in murals?? A man or woman who could make others…

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Donald Trump Just Asked The Entire U.S. Olympic Team To Come Back Home So That He Could Have His Own Opening Ceremony In Washington

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By: Jason Elewski WASHINGTON DC—With the launch of 1,218 Shooting Star drones and Yuna Kim lighting the torch, the 2018 Winter Olympics began, uniting the world to bear witness to the majesty and beauty that people can create when they want to make one hell of a parade. Everyone watching the opening ceremony was undoubtedly impressed by the spectacle, but one viewer was left nearly speechless: Donald Trump. Having seen the ceremony on his bedroom television over a bucket of extra crispy KFC, Trump reportedly shook his index finger at the screen, screaming “whoa neato”, before picking up his phone,…

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Property Brothers Sacrifice 3 More Walls To Arpaxius, The God Of Open Concepts

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By: Jake Dierksheide HUDSON VALLEY, NEW YORK – Jonathan Scott and Drew Scott, better known as HGTV’s Property Brothers, have ruthlessly slaughtered 3 more walls in the name of Arpaxius this week. This marks over 900 walls that the duo have managed to completely demolish for the god, who holds dominion over open concept home design. The Brothers’ relationship with Arpaxius goes back to their very beginning when their mother gave birth to a boy named Scott in an overly compartmentalized 1200 sq. ft. apartment. The god was furious with the lack of sightlines and poor distribution of natural lighting…

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Donald Trump Has Wall Built Around Him

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Mar. 6, 2016 GOP candidate Donald Trump may not be president…yet. That hasn’t kept him from enacting some of his proposed policies and plans a little early. This week he had a wall built around him to keep the rest of the country out. Trump is known for speaking his mind and not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. He’s created a utopia where the only citizen is the former best citizen of these United States: Donald Trump. Who can imagine a better place than one where there’s nothing but Donald J. Trump? He told press yesterday, “I’m…

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Progressive School Replaces “N” Word With “Black Guy” In Huck Finn

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Feb. 28, 2016 Mark Twain’s classic novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, is an important book in American history that challenged racism and the institution of slavery in the south. Unfortunately, the writer was quite the potty mouth and used the correct term for his time that is a big no-no today. That’s right, we’re talking about the “N” word. In Philadelphia this past December there was controversy surrounding the book once again. A school district banned the book from its curriculum and there was a big backlash from those who opposed the censorship. Now, in efforts to appease the…

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Suicide Bombers On Strike For Dental Care

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Feb. 16, 2016 With presidential elections coming up, the need to keep Americans in constant fear gets put on the back burner, thus ISIS has been relatively absent in the mainstream news. That doesn’t mean that the terrorists haven’t been up to anything radical. The suicide bombers of ISIS have unionized and are suspending self-exploding operations until they receive the benefits that they deserve. Suicide bomber Yusuf Al Bayati told reporters, “Our job is very dangerous. We take extreme risks for the good of our organization and we expect them to take care of us. I heard some people doing…

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