Why Your Girlfriend Is Super Attracted To The Murder Hornet

Why Your Girlfriend Is Super Attracted To The Murder Hornet

By: Sophia Birks

The murder hornet has made its way to America and is en route to fuck your wife. Everyone’s so goddamn horny for this tall drink of acid and it’s not hard to see why. We’re not talking about some cuck from The Bee movie, we’re talking make me cum daddy, panties drenched, knees quivering, huge blisters full of poison on your clit murder hornet. You might be squirming with delight but it’s that taboo horniess of wanting something that’s bad for you that’s got the entire nation’s undercarriage up in flames. If you find yourself confused by this horny obsession shared by all living things, then clearly you’ve never listened to a podcast before but I’ll go ahead and enlighten you. 

If this hornet were a person it would be half Ted Bundy half Pete Davidson. So tie up the pony and put the lollipop in my mouth cause I’m ready to write my album. The hornet is bad for us, maybe it’s a phase, but we want to be hurt. In fact, we need the thrill of the sting to get us through our mundane Wonder Bread lives. This hornet just pulled over and asked me if I want a ride and boy do I. And so do you. Everyone wants to fuck this bug until they’re yellow and black in the face. Believe me when I say that I’m not the only one who wants this hornet to get them pregnant. Any person with eyes and a sex drive would want to be the sub to this dom of the insect world.

I’m sure not everyone’s first memory is being buckled into a car seat while a hornet attacked them, maybe it’s their second or third. Maybe even fourth, fifth would be weird but I’ll allow it. No matter when it happened, this is why everyone shares a weird affinity for  sting kink. It’s so common that the internet didn’t even bother documenting it. It’s the same thing with looking at your poop before you flush. Every person is the same. There’s a reason I can think of 51 movies* about serial killers off the top of my head. Because sex sells sweetie. Maybe in the end it’s because we can fix them or at the very least distract ourselves from the fact that we hate our lives and being fucked to death by a jacked up hornet sounds like a good way out of the humdrum. 

Think about those wings brushing against your thighs, a hornet kiss on each one, before the devil himself plunges his way inside you. Again and again like Jack Torrence’s axe against the door, splintering your g-spot into a thousand pieces. It stings you again and again, oh daddy please let me cum! You erupt like a fire hydrant on a hot summer day, sizzling the heated air around you. The water erupts and evaporates, doing nothing to cool you down, erupting hotter and more violently you cum until your muscles hurt. Oh fuck ofuck yes yes yes harder yes fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 

Maybe it’s just me but it’s also definitely everyone else too. 

*Monster, Zodiac, Se7en, Silence of The Lambs, Miss Congeniality, Hannibal, Red Dragon, Strangers, Seven Psychopaths, Orphan, Scream, Scream 2, Scream 3, Scream 4,  Halloween 1-13, Nightmare on Elm Street, Helter Skelter, Psycho, Saw 1-5, Extremely Vile and Incredibly Wicked, Chucky, Bride of Chucky, That new Chucky with Aubrey Plaza, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, No Country For Old Men, Dreamcatcher, I Saw The Devil, Harry Potter 1-8

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