Activist Simultaneously Committed To Saving Amazon, Destroying Amazon

Activist Simultaneously Committed To Saving Amazon, Destroying Amazon

NEW YORK, NY—Outside the home of Darryl Sonders are a slew of signs for various social and environmental causes, but none so confusing as the two that read “Save The Amazon” and “Destroy Amazon” which sit side by side. Sonders is the leading activist in his area for both of these causes. On weekends, this single, unemployed DJ attends rallies in Central Park and Wall St. where he leads dozens of protestors in chants in support of and against Amazons.

“It’s all about context, man. Check it. Amazon the store treats its workers like shit, its owner is hoarding profits while the rest of us become poor, and they were late on shipping a sex toy I really wanted to leave sitting out in the background of a Bumble date on Zoom I was having. I wanted her to know I’m sex positive and all that, ya know?” Sonders reported via Zoom, sex toy now in frame.

Many have taken his message, which was poorly worded and taken as fact by millions of supporters online, and ran with it. Protestors now line Amazon shipping facilities in attempts to both burn it down and save it, while other protestors have lined the South American jungle trying to both burn it down and put out the fires. The shit storm that started out online has turned into a real world shitpocalypse.

“Amazon is good, but Amazon is bad,” Crystal Starchild Blossom told reporters as she cut down a tree to build a shelter for protestors. “It’s ok, we use every part of the tree. For eating, or building, or having sex with.” She gestured behind her to fellow protestor Aardvark who was nads deep in a rubber tree trunk. He claims that the rubber produced by the tree acts as a natural condom.

While Darryl Sonders claims that his original intent was to destroy the company Amazon and save the rainforest that shares its name, that hardly matters now that the people have started chanting and making signs. The Amazon rainforest could offset the carbon emissions that companies like Amazon produce, creating a symbiotic and sustainable relationship, but unfortunately the trees have to be cut down and used for packaging the “bad” Amazon’s products.

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