Green Day Strikes It Rich, Finds World’s Largest Oil Field
By: Chris Jowett
OAKLAND, CA—“It was like an ordinary rehearsal, until it wasn’t,” said rhythm guitar shredder and vocal messiah Billie Joe Armstrong, 47. Armstrong and band fellows Frank “Tre Cool” Edwin Wright III and Michael “Mike Dirnt” Pritchard were combining their talents to create musical fusion in hopes of disrupting the entire record industry with a brand new rock-opera. Instead, they disrupted the crust of the Earth and struck rich! Oil started to spew out of the dirt after the rock trio ripped three power chords so hard and so loudly that the surface of our planet split into cracks, sprinkling crude oil down on the men like black rain from Elysium.
“We thought rehearsing alone in a desert would inform our climate change themed rock-opera. Turns out, it made us tycoons,” commented Wright III, still stained black from skyfallen pure oil. Since no property owner claims the land, every drop of oil within a 10 mile radius of the rupture belongs to the American Idiots themselves. The oil field they rocked on top of is a mile deep and stretches immeasurable miles wide, making it legally a new Great Lake. The band has decided not to include a lawyer to comb through the logistics of owning so much oil and no court system has opted to contest them. “The state and federal judicial systems have lots of respect for the only 2000s rock band that was able to make riveting musical commentary on 9/11 and George W. Bush’s Iraqi War on Terror,” claimed Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, unprompted and unaware of this breaking news story.
“I’m legally changing my name to Mike MudMoney,” exclaimed the bassist formerly known as Mike Dirnt while he rolled around in a sticky pool of tar gold like a pig playing in the mud. “I feel wike (sic) a wittle (sic) wich (sic) oil baby,” he shouted, with oil spilling out of his mouth like baby food.
When the band was asked what they planned on doing regarding the future of their music, they led the press conference in chanting “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!” repeatedly until we all just left. I guess all we have left to do is wait until the band’s upcoming album scheduled to be released as a Hulu original musical series set to debut when September ends.