Spider Sells Eggs On Dark Web Web
By: Chris Jowett
DARK WEB WEB—The Coronavirus Pandemic has been hard on all of us, but especially on Arachne W. Earwig: long time spider, first time mother of 1000. Earwig lost her job last March as a rollerskating waitress at a 50s-themed restaurant in Tahoe and has been squatting in a teenager’s forgotten New Balance shoe ever since. Three weeks ago she discovered she was pregnant after her monthly spider period never came. Instead of collecting the eggs on her back and with no income to spare, she’s decided to sell them on the stickiest, slikest, shiniest, wettest nocturnal corner of the internet, the dark web web.
Selling their bodies, family heirlooms, or illegal firearms on the dark web web is a common occurrence for spiders on their last leg (of which they canonically have eight). The COVID pandemic has proven to be the most active dark web web market season in recorded history. Since March 2020, 5,832,241 spiders around the world have used the dark web web to get by, selling everything but the red diamonds off their selectively poisonous backs. For years, the dark web web was seen as a cry for help or a signal that a spider has simply given up, but for spinners like Earwig it has been a life saver.
Earwig’s dark web web, formed in the top corner of the empty toilet paper aisle in Walgreens that never seems to get refilled, has been shockingly successful. “So far I have sold 682 of my eggs in a week. I didn’t think any spider out there would have the money these days, but a surprising amount have wanted kids of their own,” Earwig stated, taking a puff of her cigarette and cranking the receipts off her invoice machine. Earwig explained to us that “They would all just float away and live their own lives without me the second they’re born anyway, so fuck it.”
Which begs the question: who and why are other spiders buying?
High income spiders are stuck working from their webs and need to find ways to fill the empty time. All of Earwig’s buyers come from webs with a net income of over $500,000 a year and are willing to spend money on offspring they don’t want to work themselves to produce. Greta and Hunter Tarantula went on record saying that “working for anything is just such a hassle when you’re spider loaded.”
John “Daddy” Longlegs, longtime dark web web profiteer who has been publicly branded as a dark web web monopolist, welcomes the new business traffic. In a tweeted statement, Daddy wrote: “I’ve been wanting a challenge for years. These insipid wanderers have smeared my name in the mud but now that the world is crumbling around their weakly spun webs the market has flooded. I don’t see it as a problem. I’ve said for years the dark web web would dominate our economy one day. Now look. I’m right and everyone else is dumb.”
It’s a dark web web world now. We’re just stuck in it waiting to be eaten.