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Shattering The Glass Floor: This Woman Is Acting Like A Creepy Douche

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By: Maximilian Stolte Chicago, IL—Early this morning, in a brave defiance of gender norms, local woman Anne Washington started her day with one goal in mind: to be a creepy, degenerate asshole to every guy she came in contact with. Starting as early as her morning commute, her awkward advances towards strangers with strong sexual undertones earned her grade A pervert status amongst her peers. Once on the train, passengers reported her leering at men’s crotches and backsides and saying obscenities that only a real sicko sex freak could conjure up. A local man, who wished to remain anonymous, reported…

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Some Guy Just Walked In And Yelled “It’s Cold Out There” To No One In Particular

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By: Mike Anichini CHICAGO, IL—Last Friday at Hordy’s Pub in the Avondale neighborhood of Chicago, a boisterous crowd was reportedly riding a surge of good vibes and rising camaraderie. Cozy friends were singing in swaying circles, and with rounds of eggnog and shots flying, staff and patron alike were having a special experience they’d potentially remember forever. That’s when it happened. “This guy in a huge parka burst through the door and yelled, ‘It’s cold out there!’” said Bron Hanson, owner of Hordy’s Pub. “It was weird because he was alone and wasn’t looking at anyone when he said it.…

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Papa John CEO Still Following Peyton Manning, Others Around Despite Firing

in Business/Celebrity/Food/Drink/Sports by

By: Andy Frye DENVER, CO — It’s been a rough go for former Papa John’s former CEO John H. Schnatter. Months after being fired by the company he founded in 1984,  the former executive has a lot of time on his hands. The word around both Corporate America and the National Football League is that Schnatter has been following some of his former company’s pitchmen. “John’s a great guy, we go way back,” says J.J. Watt, a four-time NFL All-Pro defensive end with the Houston Texas. Watt said he’s seen Schnatter a bunch of times walking outside NRG Stadium, his…

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Music Festival Lineup Confused For Grocery List

in Entertainment/Food/Drink/Local/Music by

By: Maximilian Stolte AUSTIN, TX—Local newlywed and avid concert attendee Matthew Puhr went to his neighborhood Save-A-Lot yesterday morning to provide sustenance to himself and his beautiful bride Alice. Armed with his new joint account debit card and what he thought was a grocery list from under a magnet on his fridge, he was ready to complete his first errand as a husband. It was only after several blank stares from employees that he realized he had mistaken a music festival lineup for his grocery list. “At first I thought it was kind of funny that Alice had put such…

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Wendy’s Unveils New ‘Hangover Obliteration’ Menu for New Year’s Day

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By: Ross Childs   ANYTOWN, USA — New Year’s Eve, the biggest party of the year shook America last night and so is the world-beating hangover that inevitably followed today. But put that Pedialyte down! Don’t reach for the ginger ale! Fast Food giant and salt magnate Wendy’s has unveiled the new “Hangover Obliteration Menu” to be released January 1, 2019. The famous restaurant says the items presented in this catalogue of cholesterol are guaranteed to smother even the most debilitating of post-party brain pains with the perfect combo of grease, salt, and nostalgia for that mongoose-ridden burger joint you…

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Local Boy’s Handmade Ornament Makes Tree Look Like Shit

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By: Maximilian Stolte BILLINGS, MT—This Christmas Day, the Sullivan family congregated at the home of Patrick, Kelly, and sons Luke and David. Their home was beautifully decorated, not too gaudy and overdone as cousins Mark and Linda tend to do. Sticking out like a sore thumb however was young Luke’s handmade ornament from school that looked like complete garbage and, quite frankly, ruined Christmas. The boy’s aunt Sheryl was the first to point it out. Per usual her observational blurting out sparked the controversy that would obliterate the spirit of the holiday. “These decorations are awe inspiring, but this one…

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Sad Sack On Bus Reading Actual Newspaper Like It’s 1922 Or Some Shit

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By: Jack Ritchey ST. LOUIS, MO—Half-questioning if he had just seen some sort of time-traveling Great Gatsby situation, downtown resident Chris Bora reportedly witnessed an old man riding the bus today who was reading an actual newspaper. A real, physical one. With ink on it and like cartoons ads and stuff. Like it’s 1922. “Wait, does he know that stuff happened yesterday?” asked an understandably confused Bora, adding, “there’s newer information literally in the palm of my hand right now, why is he looking at wrapping paper?” Bora then received a CNN notification about the Mueller investigation and exclaimed “See?…

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5 Picturesque Zip Lines That Will Bust Your Hymen

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By: Josie Benedetti Sick of the cold and showing your visible signs of virginity? These 5 picturesque zip line attractions will get you out of your winter hibernation mindset and take your v-card all in one fell swoop. The Gravity Canyon in Taihape, New Zealand will break that vaginal membrane open like a middle schooler using a tampon for the first time.   There’s nothing like the rush of flying 328 feet above the Cambodian jungle, knowing that you’re finally a woman.   Your gynecologist won’t believe how tan you look after coming back from Mexico with a new sense…

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Eight Ways To Spell Hanukkah To Keep Gentiles On Their Toes

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By: Zack Peercy It’s that magical time of year again! The eight day holiday when goyim and shiksas litter our social media with poorly spelled seasons greetings. It can be a real test of the Jewish faith. Is the correct spelling of a holiday really so much to ask? This year, let’s have some fun. Here are eight ways to spell Hanukkah to confuse your non-Jewish friends. Monica: “The One With The Celebration of Lights.” Convince your Christmas-loving cohorts that it’s actually spelled “Monica” after Courtney Cox’s character from Friends. She was only half-Jewish on the show, but she was…

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Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

in Food/Drink/Health/Local by

By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy…

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