Spreading the word around…

Category archive

Local - page 3

Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

Eight Ways To Spell Hanukkah To Keep Gentiles On Their Toes

in Holiday by

By: Zack Peercy It’s that magical time of year again! The eight day holiday when goyim and shiksas litter our social media with poorly spelled seasons greetings. It can be a real test of the Jewish faith. Is the correct spelling of a holiday really so much to ask? This year, let’s have some fun. Here are eight ways to spell Hanukkah to confuse your non-Jewish friends. Monica: “The One With The Celebration of Lights.” Convince your Christmas-loving cohorts that it’s actually spelled “Monica” after Courtney Cox’s character from Friends. She was only half-Jewish on the show, but she was…

Keep Reading

Man Carefully Prepares Week Worth Of Meals To Throw In Garbage On Saturday

in Food/Drink/Health/Local by

By: Jake Dierksheide Chicago, IL — Diligently dividing up portions of a Kale Pesto Pasta into individual pyrex containers, Jack Davis produces 5 homemade lunches for his 9-5 work week, all of which destined to be thrown into the garbage the following weekend. “I’m really trying to push myself to eat healthier and spend less money on food,” claimed Jack on Sunday evening. This was one day before he would determine himself deserving of a Chipotle burrito bowl for, “making it through Monday morning,” implicitly deciding to bring his unappealing home cooking back with home to him. “It’s so easy…

Keep Reading

Most Annoying Co-Worker Blasting Christmas Music A Month Early

in Holiday/Local/Music/Social by

By: Mike Maxwell SCHAUMBURG, IL—As the dish at the reception desk remains full of bastardized Mounds bars, the Halloween hangover is in full effect for this independent little State Farm office. Nearly everyone in the office has been seen meandering around with their pockets lined with their kids’ trick or treating stash for weeks. It’s being reported that from depths of the beige walls, a moron, nay, a total asshat is already playing Christmas music at their desk. It was but a mere four weeks ago that this corporate collective put aside their khakis and blouses for costumes and face…

Keep Reading

Roseanne Barr To Reprise Racist ‘Character’ At Thanksgivings This Week

in Celebrity/Holiday/Local/Politics by

By: Andy Frye The once-embattled 1980s comedienne Roseanne Barr is about to make a name for herself again. Hoping to capitalize on America’s rising family drama trends, and the very popular “Trump supporter relative” stock role at Thanksgiving last year, Barr has decided to embark on a nationwide tour this week to bring her controversial brand of humor directly to your family’s dinner table. Barr announced the tour this week, stating publicly, “C U at dinner, bitches!” while calling herself “Aunt Ambien” and “Tofurky liberals’ worst nightmare” via her Twitter account. Ms. Barr’s agent, Anson Heedler, says that former star…

Keep Reading

Report: Shelter Must Have Been Out Of All Other Dogs

in Local/Science by

By: Jake Dierksheide Citing the dog’s “disgusting face” and “sheer quantity of fluid output”, researchers at the University of Illinois have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that any other dogs were available at PAWS the day that Mark and Jennifer adopted their new pet. The team of graduate students spent the afternoon of November 14th observing Ingrid, the name already given to the Bull Terrier/Bulldog mix at the time of adoption, in the hopes of discovering what possible hidden charm this nauseating excuse for one of God’s creations could hold. Ingrid spent much of that…

Keep Reading

Man In Urban Pipeline MaxFlex Cargo Shorts Finally Dies Of Exposure

in Local/Obituaries by

By: Zack Peercy LANSING, MI—Blake DeWitt, 24, finally died last night on his way home from an early friendsgiving party to which he wore a Hawaiian shirt and Urban Pipeline’s new and affordable MaxFlex cargo shorts. You should not miss Blake, because he was always going around at every party being like, “I’m not even cold!” just like you should not miss Kohl’s upcoming Summer Savers Sale on items like Men’s Urban Pipeline MaxFlex cargo shorts. Wearing any Urban Pipeline brand shorts in the middle of winter was DeWitt’s “thing” that got him noticed at parties. He’d walk through the…

Keep Reading

Brave Pedestrian Trio Stays Side by Side Despite Passerby

in Local/Social by

By: Zack Peercy CHICAGO, IL—On N Western Avenue today near Welles Park in the Lincoln Square area of Northern Chicago, three brave friends, deep in positive discussion of recent Hollywood blockbuster Venom, refused to break formation for a fellow pedestrian coming in the opposite direction. The unknown intruder was forced off the sidewalk and into the busy street to get around the group. Not since Rosa Parks’s iconic refusal to give up her seat has such a powerful statement of human rights been made. The three men, Matt C., Jordan, and Matt F., were happy with, but not surprised by,…

Keep Reading

Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

in Celebrity/Entertainment/Movies/Obituaries by

By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President…

Keep Reading

Treats & Tricks: 7 Candies Your Parents ‘Checked For Poison’, But Actually Ate

in Food/Drink/Holiday/Local by

By: Graham Trust Halloween is over and you’ve begun to enjoy the fruits—or, rather, candies of your labor, but your parents have been eyeballing your bounty all night. Here’s a list of what they’ll want to “inspect” for your “safety” before you even have a chance to open your first Dubble Bubble. Butterfinger Since you’re too young to know the phrase “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger”, you may not be aware that dads, cartoon and real, love to steal their kids’ Butterfingers. Don’t let any deception about your health or safety get in the way of enjoying…

Keep Reading

1 2 3 4 5 16
Go to Top