Spreading the word around…

Category archive

Local - page 3

Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

Advanced Reading Seven Year-Old Bursting With Potential For Online Radicalization

in Local/Politics/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Grant Wilson, an adorable second grader recently placed in an advanced reading group at The Nettelhorst School, is bright-eyed and bursting with potential of online radicalization. Whether it’s extreme far-right groups or homespun anti-vaxxers, Grant’s early grasp on independent and dependent clauses makes him a promising fit for social isolation and getting caught up in toxic web forums. “On day one when we read aloud passages from Because of Winn-Dixie, I could tell Grant’s comprehension was head and shoulders above the rest of the class,” said Nettelhorst teacher Judy Belanger. “It’s a real treat to teach…

Keep Reading

Guy With Quarter-Jewish Ancestry Too Comfortable Making Holocaust Jokes

in Local/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—In a drastic misjudgment of the cultural leniency afforded by his slim quarter-Jewish heritage, Wicker Park resident, Anthony Becker, frequently jokes about the Holocaust. Becker has never actively practiced Judaism, and has attended only half of one friend’s bar mitzvah, yet he considers edgy references to World War II his way of connecting to his family’s past. “I’ll never forget the first time my father mentioned that my grandmother fled Nazi Germany with her family when she was three years old,” said 22 year-old Becker. “From then on I knew I had to honor my lineage…

Keep Reading

How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Except That Guy Who Drilled A Peephole In Your Bathroom Wall

in Health/Local by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—You only live once, but so many of us are more concerned with looking silly than we are with cutting loose and having fun! Whether you’re feeling self-conscious about your body, your voice, or the Swedish man who watches you through a hole he drilled into your bathroom, these tips will help you forget all and enjoy yourself again! Turn up the music! Letting loose is easy when you’re belting your favorite jams! Put on your go-to feel-good song, turn your speakers up to 11, and drown out the heavy breathing of Johan, the Swedish man…

Keep Reading

Little League Ump Finds New Passion Reffing Drunken Dad Fights

in Local/Sports by

By: Graham Reinbold JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Most little league umpires don’t leave the field covered in blood, but Jefferson City’s Brett Sullivan isn’t most umpires. After spending five years as one of Missouri’s most sought after officials in fourteen and under baseball, Sullivan turned his attention to the stands. The 48-year-old has found a new passion reffing the fist fights breaking out between day-drinking dads at little league games. “Drunk parents getting into brawls is a quintessential part of youth sports, always has been, always will be,” said Sullivan, wiping dried blood off his forehead. “Reffed a good fifteen, twenty scraps…

Keep Reading

Employee Late To Meeting Still Delaying Agenda With Excessive Apology

in Business/Local by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Accounting manager Mark Stevens arrived fifteen minutes late to his company’s Tuesday morning staff meeting and is still delaying its agenda with his excessive apology. Though Stevens’ fellow Razor Marketing employees generally agreed his lateness was not a big deal, the 47 year-old team member’s marathon apology has stretched into its second day, resulting in a continued colossal dive in company productivity and morale.   Stevens’ initial excuse for being tardy was “perfectly reasonable” according to sales associate Lisa Beasley. “He said ‘traffic was bad,’ we all shrugged, and our boss Jen started her quarterly earnings…

Keep Reading

Narcissist Pretty Sure Therapist Wants To Bang

in Health/Local/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Following a series of destructively selfish social misinterpretations, local narcissist Linda Johnson is pretty sure her therapist Ron Blacksmith wants to bang. All the signals are there, and though she’d never make the first move, she wishes Ron would cut the obvious tension and take her right there in his office. “He recommended temporary sexual abstinence to ‘figure myself out,’ but it’s just an excuse to me all to himself” said Linda. “Why else would a grown man who exudes such undeniable attraction give me that order?” Indeed, Dr. Blacksmith taunts Linda by wearing baby-blue cardigans,…

Keep Reading

Mother Loves Son Enough To Cut Up Hot Dog, Not Enough To Buy Healthier Food

in Food/Drink/Health/Local by

By: Maximilian Stolte BOULDER, CO—Local single mother, Gretchen Ellsworth, is not only a hardworking and loving maternal force in young Dylan’s life, but an inspiration to single mothers the world over. She works two jobs, takes Dylan to band rehearsal and soccer practice, and even cuts up his hot dogs when she makes him lunch. Unfortunately, she does not love her son enough to go through the hassle of picking out fresh produce and eating it before it goes bad. Paying the extra price for health food just isn’t an option for a struggling mother trying to make ends meet…

Keep Reading

Powerlifter Heroically Lifts Car Off Trapped Man Only To Crush Himself After Dropping Weight In Celebration

in Local/Sports by

By: Graham Reinbold Lancing, MI—Local powerlifter Bryce Rubin’s heroic deadlift of a 2005 Toyota Camry, ended in tragedy yesterday morning. While Rubin originally hoped to save the 32-year-old father of three trapped underneath the flaming sedan, some lines were clearly blurred in the heat of competition.  After successfully clearing the car off the injured driver: “My mind went blank and I did what I always do after a big lift. Scream till my forehead veins hurt, and drop the weight to celebrate. At first I thought someone spilled a cherry pie…then I realized my mistake.” Said a visibly shaken Rubin,…

Keep Reading

Heath Bar, Not Health Bar, Leaves Millions Confused, Off Diet Plan

in Food/Drink/Health by

By: Josie Benedetti HAZELTON, PA—Hershey released a statement this morning in response to outcries across the country over the Heath Bar, which an estimated 3.8 million people had confused for a Health Bar. This error left millions of Americans off their diet plans, some of which had been going strong since January 1st of 2019. “We want to take this opportunity to sincerely apologize to all those affected. In our failure to properly assess the implications of a name like Heath, which is one very thin, barely visible letter away from health, we have unwittingly put our dedicated customers in…

Keep Reading

1 2 3 4 5 19
0 $0.00