Five Common College-Bro White Boy Summer Pubic Hair Styles And What They Say About The Owner
By Shawn Berman and J.B. Stevens
Hello party people! Are you vaxxed, waxed, and ready to climax? Hell yes you are! We all are! It’s been a long and lonely quarantine, but white-boy-summer is right around the corner. With that in mind—let’s look at the five most-common warm-weather college-bro manscapes, and what they say about the owner.
- The Alabama Frat Guy at Myrtle Beach
A classic, party in the front and fiesta in the back. A Confederate Flag etched in (bonus points for using hair-dye). This hot look always comes with great volume and a hint of sheen—a go-to for the SEC Football crowd. This is the kind of young man that likes a cold brewski, Fox News, yelling “Freebird!” as if it is a personality trait, and casual racism. You will have fun with this fella for sure. (Watch out for the N-Word).
- The Oberlin Naturalist
Do you like the smell of patchouli, the hirsuteness of Sasquatch, and the hygiene of a late 90s heroin addicted Seattle grunge rocker? If you said yes, here comes your boy! This fur-nest is rocked by many-a Birkenstock-wearing tie-died lothario selling ditch-weed at Phish Concerts. Guys with this look may not smell great, but they’ll never cheat. They just want to sit on the couch, fire up a doobie, and watch Pikachu. This is a man you can depend on!
- The Do You Know Who My Dad Is—I could Buy and Sell This Entire Fucking Spot and You are Probably A Lesbian Anyway and You Should Be HONORED I’d Whip it Out For You and You Aren’t Even Hot I Fucking RUN Fordham (and/or Emory)—Shit, are you recording this—DON’T PUT THIS ONLINE—I am so sorry—I’m fighting some demons
It takes a special kinda white boy to pull off this style, but with a little bit of effort, you can go from zero to douche-o in no time! This is the kinda lad who doesn’t care what others think about him because he has f-you-trust-fund-money, with the best lawyers on deck that can get him outta sticky situations, like the time he accidentally started that revenge porn site after Rebecca broke his heart. It’s not his fault he cheated with Rebecca’s cousin! He’s a man who has natural urges. Warning: If your eyes aren’t stinging from all the grease, you need to reevaluate this ‘do, because you obvs aren’t committed enough.
- The 50+ year old RomCom actor who, in the movie, is recently divorced and teaching Literature at the Community College and somehow wins the love and affection of his smoking hot co-star, the new girls’ volleyball coach, and not a damn person questions the authenticity of the script
I mean, let’s cut to the chase: this dude has stones the size of the Rock’s bicep and is outkicking his coverage by at least three miles. This guy has a few strands of wispy blonde hair, no swag, super cringey dad jokes, and is way past his physical prime, yet it somehow works for him? In fact, he’s never been cooler. Best paired with those chonky New Balance sneakers that you cut the grass in.
- The West Point Landing-Strip
A classic. A tight line to a tight time! Very popular amongst military men and young executives. If you encounter this one, you’ve snagged yourself a winner.
Are you pumped? I know we are! Did you get your Pfizer—then don’t be a party-miser! Did you get your Moderna? Then don’t be scared-a, to party! Did you get your Johnson and Johnson and now you’re ready to take on an additional johnson or two? (But seriously I hope you don’t have a blood clot issue and I am concerned for you, #stayblessed.)
Have a sizzling summer and be safe out there!