Homeowner Worries Mysterious Glowing Orb Will Affect Home’s Resale Value
By: Ross Childs
HARTFORD, CT—Local homeowner, Chet McFlurble, has become concerned after discovering a mysterious glowing orb behind a wall in the study of his newly renovated Brownstone. The New Englander fears the presence of this omniscient sphere might subtract from the apartment’s resale value.
“Inconvenient doesn’t even begin to describe it,” said McFlurble as the orb’s spinning eye slowly turned toward him. “I thought I got this place off Zillow for a steal! I get halfway through renovating and then BOOM: Little Miss Sunshine pops out! Now, I’m half-a-million in the hole, I have experienced birth, life, and death at least a dozen different ways, I got a guy from the city threatening to revoke a BUNCH of permits, and every time I sneeze, the orb poops a castle. I have knowledge of everything and everyone. But what I don’t know is what the HELL I’m gonna do with this FREAKIN’ MONEY PIT!!??”
“The ominous hum given off by the orb is deafening, but only when you think about it,” reported McFlurble’s neighbor, Heather Jones, who now exists in a perpetual state of universal being, experiencing all moments of human history simultaneously. Researchers are unclear whether this sudden burst of cosmic perspective was caused by the orb or the way the new Kenmore refrigerator seamlessly compliments the neo-colonial design of the brownstone.
Jeffery Gialto, the head contractor hired weeks ago by McFlurble, tripped on a tool box and fell into the sphere. Though he re-emerged minutes later, Gialto reported that from his perspective he was gone for a billion lifetimes. “I have touched the face of celestial creation,” said Gialto, “Each and every atom, a universe in itself, meaning within ourselves are trillions upon trillions of universes, each as unique as the next. We are born from stars, and to the stars we shall return. Thus sayeth the orb, ‘Gleeb Frahkmar Du Klaatu Vblanchy Gabuu.’ The upstairs bathrooms won’t be finished for another week.”
After revealing a previously unknown number, the orb, known simply as ➰, commented “I can’t believe McFlurble has doubts about this Brownstone. Vintage post-colonial exterior, exposed brick, updated appliances. The museum district is literally a ten minute walk from here! A sentient folding chair could sell this place!”
➰ then granted a nearby folding chair with sentience and a red jacket. Foldy McSqueakyseat closed on his sixth property yesterday and is on track to be Hartford’s Realtor of the Year.