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Local Dads Say “No” To Father’s Day Gifts, Insist Winning Tee-ball Team Only Option

in Holiday/Local/Sports by

By: Mackenzie Moore SHERMAN OAKS, CA—A conglomerate of Los Angeles dads have raised a request to their children this Father’s Day: no gifts, just a winning team. The drive past the Balboa Park tee-ball fields is indeed grim these days. On any given Saturday, kids can be seen throwing handfuls of grass at each other, or striking out time after time at the tee. “We’ve noticed a decline in the quality of the league over the past few years,” assistant coach Ben Renck bemoaned over his iced cortado at Little Wizard Coffee. He leaned in, covering the ears of his…

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Pelosi Urges Caution In Removing Writhing Squid Meat From Charcuterie Spread

in Food/Drink/Health/Local/Politics by

By: Simon Tessmer WASHINGTON, DC—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is urging caution to those in her brunch party eager to initiate removal proceedings against the pile of writhing squid meat slithering all over their charcuterie spread. Though the historic nature of the squid meat’s abuses of stomach health have long been public to La Jambe’s other customers, Pelosi fears attempting to oust the glistening mound of twitching tentacles may backfire during later courses. Those seated to Pelosi’s left are making the most impassioned arguments for scraping the viscous sea-legs off their now slippery shared plate of meats and cheeses.…

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Guide: Is Your Flight Attendant Flirting Or Trying To Get You To Open An Emergency Exit?

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By: Graham Reinbold Hey Word Brothel! My name is Richard Sampson, and I’m constantly traveling for work. I’ve had the same problem every time my flight makes an unexpected landing. I can’t figure out if flight attendants are flirting with me, or just trying to get me to open the emergency exit? During my last trip to Dallas for example, all the signs were there. This flight attendant was showering me with attention, and couldn’t keep her eyes off me! I felt like the most important man in her world, but something was off. I just couldn’t figure out If…

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Local Dude Turns Funeral Into Crunchy Jam Sesh

in Entertainment/Local/Music/Obituaries by

By: Ross Childs BOSTON, MA—A man, nay dude, improved an otherwise dreary funeral when he whipped out his acoustic guitar and played his tune. Richard Parker, a music student at Boston University, attended a funeral for a fellow classmate’s cousin. He noticed the totally depressed vibe permeating through the funerary establishment. Richard Parker, who goes by the stage name “Dicky P”, pulled out his paint-covered Jasmine acoustic guitar and started picking out a rendition of Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way”, and according to Ric…ahem…Dicky P, the vibe, “totally shifted towards the joy nexus,” and his control over the…

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Advanced Reading Seven Year-Old Bursting With Potential For Online Radicalization

in Local/Politics/Social by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Grant Wilson, an adorable second grader recently placed in an advanced reading group at The Nettelhorst School, is bright-eyed and bursting with potential of online radicalization. Whether it’s extreme far-right groups or homespun anti-vaxxers, Grant’s early grasp on independent and dependent clauses makes him a promising fit for social isolation and getting caught up in toxic web forums. “On day one when we read aloud passages from Because of Winn-Dixie, I could tell Grant’s comprehension was head and shoulders above the rest of the class,” said Nettelhorst teacher Judy Belanger. “It’s a real treat to teach…

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Guy With Quarter-Jewish Ancestry Too Comfortable Making Holocaust Jokes

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By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—In a drastic misjudgment of the cultural leniency afforded by his slim quarter-Jewish heritage, Wicker Park resident, Anthony Becker, frequently jokes about the Holocaust. Becker has never actively practiced Judaism, and has attended only half of one friend’s bar mitzvah, yet he considers edgy references to World War II his way of connecting to his family’s past. “I’ll never forget the first time my father mentioned that my grandmother fled Nazi Germany with her family when she was three years old,” said 22 year-old Becker. “From then on I knew I had to honor my lineage…

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How To Dance Like Nobody’s Watching—Except That Guy Who Drilled A Peephole In Your Bathroom Wall

in Health/Local by

By: Josie Benedetti CHICAGO, IL—You only live once, but so many of us are more concerned with looking silly than we are with cutting loose and having fun! Whether you’re feeling self-conscious about your body, your voice, or the Swedish man who watches you through a hole he drilled into your bathroom, these tips will help you forget all and enjoy yourself again! Turn up the music! Letting loose is easy when you’re belting your favorite jams! Put on your go-to feel-good song, turn your speakers up to 11, and drown out the heavy breathing of Johan, the Swedish man…

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Little League Ump Finds New Passion Reffing Drunken Dad Fights

in Local/Sports by

By: Graham Reinbold JEFFERSON CITY, MO—Most little league umpires don’t leave the field covered in blood, but Jefferson City’s Brett Sullivan isn’t most umpires. After spending five years as one of Missouri’s most sought after officials in fourteen and under baseball, Sullivan turned his attention to the stands. The 48-year-old has found a new passion reffing the fist fights breaking out between day-drinking dads at little league games. “Drunk parents getting into brawls is a quintessential part of youth sports, always has been, always will be,” said Sullivan, wiping dried blood off his forehead. “Reffed a good fifteen, twenty scraps…

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Employee Late To Meeting Still Delaying Agenda With Excessive Apology

in Business/Local by

By: Simon Tessmer CHICAGO, IL—Accounting manager Mark Stevens arrived fifteen minutes late to his company’s Tuesday morning staff meeting and is still delaying its agenda with his excessive apology. Though Stevens’ fellow Razor Marketing employees generally agreed his lateness was not a big deal, the 47 year-old team member’s marathon apology has stretched into its second day, resulting in a continued colossal dive in company productivity and morale.   Stevens’ initial excuse for being tardy was “perfectly reasonable” according to sales associate Lisa Beasley. “He said ‘traffic was bad,’ we all shrugged, and our boss Jen started her quarterly earnings…

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Oscar Mayer Commercial Shatters Beauty Standards

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Has society made you feel less beautiful? Well if you said yes, Oscar Mayer is here to tell you that you’re perfect just the way you are! Love the casing you’re in.

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