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Obituaries

Local Dude Turns Funeral Into Crunchy Jam Sesh

By: Ross Childs BOSTON, MA—A man, nay dude, improved an otherwise dreary funeral when he whipped out his acoustic guitar and played his tune. Richard Parker, a music student at Boston University, attended a funeral for a fellow classmate’s cousin. He noticed the totally depressed vibe permeating through the funerary establishment. Richard Parker, who goes by the stage name “Dicky P”, pulled out his paint-covered Jasmine acoustic guitar and started picking out a rendition of Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way”, and according to Ric…ahem…Dicky P, the vibe, “totally shifted towards the joy nexus,” and his control over the…

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Man In Urban Pipeline MaxFlex Cargo Shorts Finally Dies Of Exposure

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By: Zack Peercy LANSING, MI—Blake DeWitt, 24, finally died last night on his way home from an early friendsgiving party to which he wore a Hawaiian shirt and Urban Pipeline’s new and affordable MaxFlex cargo shorts. You should not miss Blake, because he was always going around at every party being like, “I’m not even cold!” just like you should not miss Kohl’s upcoming Summer Savers Sale on items like Men’s Urban Pipeline MaxFlex cargo shorts. Wearing any Urban Pipeline brand shorts in the middle of winter was DeWitt’s “thing” that got him noticed at parties. He’d walk through the…

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Marvel Already Announcing Stan Lee Reboot

By: Darren D. Daly Unwilling to let a franchise die, even in the midst of Stan Lee’s passing, Walt Disney subsidiary, Marvel Studios, has made a major announcement about the future of its biggest moneymaker. Rather than taking a minute to mourn, they have instead released a teaser poster for the reboot of the beloved creator of such iconic characters as Spider-Man, The Hulk, and Mr. Candelabra. Working under the title Stan Lee: Again, indie movie writer/director Bo Burnham has already penned the first draft of Lee that producers are predicting will be the year’s best source of money. President…

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Succulent Dies Along With 29-Year-Old’s Hope Of Ever Becoming A Parent

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By: Josie Benedetti MANHATTAN, NY—Jillian Fogle, 29, who had been told that succulents were one of the hardest plants to kill, was devastated to find her impulsive succulent purchase molding, untouched, on top of her book shelf Monday morning. Fogle, who had been using the succulent to see if she was ready to finally have and raise a child on her own, Gilmore Girls style, commented, “I guess this is it. I don’t deserve children. I can’t even keep a fucking succulent alive. A FUCKING SUCCULENT!” Fogle said she had recently successfully hung out with a baby at a friend’s…

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Obituary: FACE, The Original Host Of Nick Jr., Dead At 51

Dutifully written by: Patrick Webb The on-air mascot was found dead in his studio apartment in Van Nuys of an apparent, accidental overdose. Born and raised in Orlando, FL, FACE struggled as a working actor through the late 80’s and early 90’s doing the occasional regional theatre until booking his dream roll as the “face” of Nick Jr. in 1994. He starred in over 400 on-air promotions for the network until 2004 when he left the company to try to break into film. After losing the role of the titular lead in the 2008 film Hancock to Will Smith, FACE…

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