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Local news from around the world! We provide coverage of happenings from regions worldwide.

Man’s Family Held Hostage Until He Posted 10 Concerts He’s Seen And Made One of Them a Lie

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5/2/2017 By: Jason Elewski BRECKSVILLE, OH—With the click of a button, a family was saved from a tragic fate. Dylan Haywood, 34, an avid opponent of all Facebook list games, woke up this past Wednesday to a devastating email with his morning coffee. “I just thought everyone was sleeping in, ya know, that is until I opened this weird message,” said Haywood via Twitter. The message in question turned out to be a ransom note from the still unknown assailants. Their demands? That Haywood participate in the Facebook trend in which people list ten bands that they have seen live…

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Oh No! Your Stoner Friend Got Too High, Forgot To Post About How High He Was Today

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4/20/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Jason Peters of Denver, Colorado got so high today that he completely forgot to update everyone on his social media accounts about his marijuana usage on this of all days. Don’t worry though, he still got very stoned and we have all the exclusive details he wanted to post, but was simply too baked to tell you about. Here is some well needed closure. His morning started bright and early at the crack of noon, when he ripped his bong, still packed from last night, without even getting out of bed. After a bowl of cereal…

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7 Songs Jesus Might Have Walked Out Of Tomb To If They Came Out 2,000 Years Earlier

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4/16/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is Easter and almost 2,000 years ago Jesus woke up from the dead after a 3 day trip to the afterlife. While we don’t know for certain what his musical tastes were, let’s just go ahead and assume an entrance this grand would have been accompanied by an amazing song. While we’re at it, let’s imagine popular songs from today came out 2,000 years earlier and he could choose from any of them. 7. Jesus Walks- Kanye West This one should be obvious. Like a major league baseball player’s walk out song, this one has…

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Guy Who Slept Rent-Free On Your Couch All Winter Attending All 13 MSG Phish Shows

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4/11/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte This summer, as Phish prepares to play a baker’s dozen at Madison Square Garden, your jobless “roommate” is gearing up for a great time in New York. He’s overcome the obstacle of his joblessness and procured tickets to all of the shows. The only question is, will he have any extras for you to repay you for your kindness? Born Benjamin Washington, he is now known by various aliases in the jam band community. Whether he’s “Dirt Nap”, “K-Hole Ben”, or “Lil Scabies”, one thing remains certain: he slept on your couch and he owes you…

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Lady With Netflix Account Acting Like The People v. O.J. Simpson Is a Brand New Show

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4/4/2017 By: Jason Elewski The People v. O.J. Simpson WAS a marvelous show. It successfully walked the line between real life tragedy and melodramatic cable television fodder. You couldn’t talk about television LAST YEAR without hearing about the Emmy winner for Outstanding Limited Series in 2016. Old news right? Wrong! Not for Linda Winkler, at least. Winkler, a Netflix subscriber since 2013, was seen today at work, waxing poetic about the 2016 Golden Globes favorite as if it were a brand freaking new thing. Like a woman awoken from a cryogenic freeze, Linda remains in awe over the wonders of…

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Students and Employees Protest President’s Day, Go to School and Work Anyways

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2/20/2017 This President’s Day was unlike the holiday in past years in many ways. Most notably, the extremely low approval rating of the current president. President’s Day is a holiday where we not only remember presidents past, but honor our current president as well. Some workers and students who would normally enjoy the day off have decided to protest this year by going to work and school anyways. Marcia Tallbreath, a bank teller in Chicago, has been against Trump since he was nominated as the Republican candidate. “I was at the Women’s March and I will continue to protest this…

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Local Man Risks It All On Business Meeting Fart

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2/9/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Earlier this morning, Alan Gardner went into work like he does every morning at Integrated Business Solutions. He had his morning coffee and cigarette, stopped by his cubicle to prepare for the big meeting, and headed to the board room eager to share his newest project. Except today he didn’t have time for one important part of his morning routine. “Normally I like to go hit the bathroom around 9:15 and let that early morning deuce drop faster than our earnings per share did this quarter. Today, I just didn’t have time to prepare for the…

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New Record: 12 Chicago Cars Turn Left After Light Changes Red

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1/31/2017 By: Maximilian Stolte Today is one for the record books as more cars made left turns through an intersection, get this, AFTER the light had changed from yellow to red. Only in Chicago could a feat like this be accomplished and boy are we glad to see this record shattered. It all started at the intersection of North, Milwaukee, and Damen where three cars had crept into the intersection, awaiting their chance to turn left. A break in traffic never occurred so they were forced to do what all Chicago residents are: just wait until the light turns red…

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Austin Powers in Goldmember is a Christmas Movie and Nothing You Say Can Disprove This Fact

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12/25/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte Each and every holiday season families the whole world round get together. We eat, drink, give presents, and most importantly watch classic Christmas movies. A Christmas Story, Elf, Home Alone, and The Grinch all come to mind when one thinks about holiday related cinema, but there’s one that is commonly overlooked: Austin Powers in Goldmember. I know what you’re going to say, so spare me. Just because a movie doesn’t center around holiday related activities does not mean it isn’t a Christmas movie. Let’s look at some of the facts in favor of my claim. In…

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Local Boy Fairly Certain “Uncle” Joe Actually Just Nailing His Mom

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12/17/2016 By: Maximilian Stolte A young boy by the name of Alan Richards has recently had an epiphany that will likely change the way he looks at everything in his life from this point on. He has a sneaking suspicion that his mother has been deceiving him, not just about Santa Clause or saying he is special and can grow up to be anything he wants either. No, Alan’s mother’s deception goes much deeper than that. The man Alan has affectionately called “Uncle Joe” is no more than a suitor knocking upon his mother’s door and ringing upon his mother’s bell. The…

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