By: Jack Hutsey
The freshman pledge class of the Pi Omicron Gamma Fraternity knew there would be hazing, but nothing could’ve prepared them for what they have experienced in the past six weeks. Other fraternities on campus are famous for their embarrassing stunts like streaking nude through the library and asking Ms. Crobbins, the octogenarian librarian who always says yes, out on a date. However, the brothers of P.O.G. had a hazing ace up their sleeve that nobody was ready for.
“Cleaning, getting yelled at, wall-sits, beer runs, picking people up,” P.O.G. house president Devin “Truck Nutz” Pfeifferberg said about the hazing process, sitting upon a throne of Natty Light empties. “It happened to us so it’s gonna happen to you. If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.”
Some freshmen knew what waited for them, but they didn’t know about Desmond. “Part of every freshman’s day is going up to the attic to hang out with Desmond,” Pfeifferberg said.
Some of the pledges were hesitant to speak about their time with Desmond. For the sake of anonymity, the ones with whom we spoke will be given pseudonyms.
“The first time I had to hang out with Desmond, I was really scared,” Slamhound said. “But then, we ended up working on a 3-D puzzle of St. Peter’s Cathedral.”
“I helped Desmond paint 57 Civil War figurines for his Battle of Fredericksburg display,” Misty Fisty said, nervously.
“I’ve heard bad things about fifth year seniors, but he made me watch five episodes of Jeopardy! and made me keep score.” Saint Taint said. “That guy is smart. Like crazy smart. Like why is he still in school smart.”
Pfeifferberg gave a crucial detail about Desmond, after some prodding. “So, we tell the freshmen that Desmond is a fifth year senior, but technically, he’s a ninth year senior,” Pfeifferberg said, loading a lightsaber bong. “Nobody was living in the attic and he pays his rent on time, so what else am I going to do?”
When we reached out to Desmond for a comment, he called us “pawns of Big Website”.
According to our anonymous sources within P.O.G., Desmond has plans for a full wall Lorax mural in the attic.