Firefighters Call For Body Positive Calendar
By: Josie Benedetti
NEW YORK, NY—Firefighters across the country are on strike this week calling for a body positive calendar for the 2019/2020 calendar year. The nationwide strike has left city blocks burned to the ground, countless adorable kittens stuck helpless in nearby trees, and even talk of the wildly popular second Grey’s Anatomy spinoff “Station 19” in danger of not being brought back for a third season. Most disheartening of all is not the lack of identifiable bones from the piles which now line the streets but the lack of lady boners which have left piles of dry panties that can now wait one more cycle without a wash.
For years, the public has counted on the American Fire Service to quench dangerous fires and their insatiable thirst for hot, naked men in appropriately themed backdrops. James Leonard, chief of the New York City Fire Department, commented on Monday, in regards to the nation wide strikes, saying, “In 2018, a firefighter should be put on our calendar based on their ability to heavily drench a wild flame, not a wild suburban mom’s Victoria Secret thong.”
The strikes have been met with heavy backlash across the states. Millions are joining in a counter strike to get those flirtatious firefighters back on the frontlines and an oiled-up pole wearing nothing but a dalmation print banana hammock.
PTA Head Joan Riviera commented, “This strike is a threat to our school systems and frankly the loss of these calendars is a threat to my marriage.” Joan, who has three children with her husband Ryan Riviera, has counted on these soft porn calendars for years as a way to keep the spark alive for both her and Ryan. “Neither of us are able to fully commit physically to our marriage without the assistance of these calendars and we can’t just have any Joe on them either. I mean if I wanted to look at a wet, balding man with a beer gut, I would just start having sex with my husband again.”
Firefighters are saying that the calendar choices are affecting their work and heavily impacting their self esteem. Mark Hammerdick, a local firefighter, commented, “I don’t mind the calendar, I just want it to include representation for all members. With a name like Hammerdick you would think I would be a natural choice but not once in the last 26 years I’ve been here have I been considered. Even during our hammer themed slumber party shoot.”
He’s not the only one. Chief Leonard said he wouldn’t mind the opportunity to drop his paperwork, pick up a dirty martini, and get to work. Booty work that is. And this reporter wouldn’t mind it one bit either, with a side smirk like that you know he’s good for it.
Regardless of personal stance, the country will need to reach a decision within the week, as the burning spreads across acres of residential homes and the nether regions of millions.